Water... the most dangerous of the elements. Except for fire. Or earth, if you happen to get caught in a landslide. Then, there's air, too. Remember that Gary Larson cartoon where some poor bastard is skydiving, pulls the ripcord and a grand piano comes out instead of a parachute? And let's not forget lightning. Actually, lightning might not be one of the elements. Let me check on Wikipedia and get back to you on that. Sorry, drifted a little there. Where were we? Oh, yeah – water. Deadlier by far than your regular water, it seems, is Dark Water. It can make people act in strange ways, such as encouraging Hollywood executives to greenlight far too many remakes of superior Japanese horror movies. Just as well, then, that this version of Dark Water is packed to the seams with today's top acting talent. Talent such as... that chick who won the Oscar for that movie... that guy who looks like he was grown from one of Ned Beatty's scabs... that English guy who always plays Americans... and that other English guy who always plays Americans. Anyway, it's a quality product, and you're guaranteed to walk out of the movie theatre humming.* RiffTrax is proud to present Matthew Elliott riffing on Jennifer Connelly’s wettest and darkest opus. *Provided you took your iPod with you.

Rifftrax is boldly going where no Rifftrax has gone before, and it’s not just a hokey cliché, we really mean it! Rifftrax Presents veteran riffers Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy, beaning on (or is it “beaming?” I can never remember) the most ambitious exercise in fan fiction since that really good Civil War reenactment! These are sumptuously produced “new episodes” of the original Star Trek series, authentically detailed and produced by Trek fans, yet with the beefy swagger of a roomful of Shatners. Rifftrax Presents: Star Trek: Phase II: World Enough and Time! A title that has more colons than a gastroenterologist’s waiting room, and also contains more delicious hamming than Smithfield, Virginia at Easter. Original Series veteran George Takei reprises his role as Sulu, but as an older Sulu, due to a spontaneous fluctuation in the space-time…Okay, it doesn’t really matter, does it? It has Sulu, pretty women, pretty men, time-warping, and enough wigs to fill Phyllis Diller’s closet.

Not since Beckett’s immortal Waiting for Godot has the drama of two men locked in a filthy bathroom and brutalized by a crude ventriloquist dummy on television captured the hearts of audiences everywhere. RiffTrax Presents Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbett riffing on the original, jaw-splitting, skull-drilling, Danny Glover-ing, fat naked dead man-showing movie that started it all, if by “all” you mean a five-movie franchise that’s now as tired as Bruce Willis at the end of 16 Blocks. PARENTAL ADVISORY!!!: The Movie Saw is rated R for its extremely graphic and grisly violence and excessively foul language. This RiffTrax is intended for Mature Audiences only. Parental discretion not only is strongly advised, it just makes plain good common sense.

Continuing in the fine tradition of aftermarket sci-fi Series accessories, Rifftrax Presents is proud once again to jump into the fan-licious world of Star Trek Phase II – or Star Trek New Voyages, which appears to be the series’ maiden name. It’s the amazing all-volunteer fan-created continuation of Star Trek, the Original Series but has better sound, cornier corn, pointier Vulcans, paunchier paunches, Scottier Scotties, and it riffs like a dream. This time around, Riffers Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy pitch their pith at the episode To Serve All My Days, the story of a waitress in love with – no wait, that’s Waitress. This one features the character Pavel Chekov, who after a freak accident becomes the actor Walter Koenig, an affliction for which there is no cure. You get dueling Chekovs, pre-head-bulge Klingons, and a surprise ending that’ll have you standing up and shouting, “Well-it-they-what-the-hunh?” What are you waiting for? Beam it down, Snotty! Riff long and prosper!

Stop anybody on the street and ask them what their favourite Paris Hilton movie is, and chances are they'll say: “Is this a real survey? Why don't you have a pen or a clipboard? Oh my God, are you mugging me? Please, take everything, just don't hurt me!” Or they might, just might reply: “House of Wax”. I'm pretty certain Vincent Price is dead, so I can say with tolerable confidence that this remake of his 1953 classic would cause him to turn over in his grave. I'm not sure why, it's just something the dead are supposed to do when they're ticked off – when Bill O'Reilly finally throws a seven, he'll most likely come close to perpetual motion. But the sight of the insufferable, uber-spoilt heiress being stalked by a raving psycho intent on ramming a metal pole through her skull isn't the only reason for watching this movie. OK, it is the only reason, but damned if it ain't a good one. If they could've found a way to work it into Norbit, I would've watched that, too. In fact, it'd make the basis of a terrific reality series. Excuse me, I have to put in a call to Fox...

Ladies and gentlemen, the Future has been pushing us all around long enough. We here at RiffTrax think it's high time we fight it! And who better to join our battle against That Which Is To Come than two maladjusted, mumbling FBI agents from a cancelled TV show? Yes, in anticipation of this summer's decade-later sequel, RiffTrax Presents takes on this first X-Files movie... which evidently had little success in fighting the future, since, you know, we're IN that future. And this future still contains Hot Pockets. (...Yeah, real ace work, future-fighting 1998 people!) Bill Corbett (a.k.a. Burrito Eating Man) is joined by former MST3K colleague and current Cinematic Titanic diva Mary Jo Pehl (a.k.a. Nap Taking Woman) in their attempt to decipher just what the hell Duchovny is saying. Does this man's contract stipulate that he be allowed a mouthful of porridge on set, at all times? Join us and find out!

Hey you young whippersnappers -- you thought that "Alien" was just Predator's sparring partner, didn't you? Not so, Padawans. "Alien" (who, in a series of HUGE coincidences, happens to BE an alien, AND stars in the movie ALIEN! Weird!!) first took Hollywood by storm during the heady, Jimmy Carter-filled days of 1979....back when a long, long pan over a hot-glued spaceship miniature made the first generation of geeks wheeze in delight, and reach for their inhalers. ALIEN starred a pair of plain white underpants worn by a young, little-known actress named Sigourney Weaver.... who later went on to start in ALIENs 2 though 37. (The underpants retired to Sedona, AZ. shortly after filming.) It also featured a pre-Hobbit Sir Ian Holm, a pre-wand-wizard John Hurt, and a pre-Mormon Mafioso Harry Dean Stanton. And you'll never forget Bursty, the impish-but-loveable little chestbursting alien baby! Join Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy as they riff on this sci-fi / horror / underpants classic.

Of all the movies made in the last eleven years, only one could bravely fill the gap between Spider-Man and Spider-Man 3. That film, of course, is The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing. However, in order to satisfy the purists in the audience, Rifftrax Presents presents our very special riff on Spider-Man 2. This time, young Peter Parker must choose between the brave yet thankless life of a shadowy crime-fighter in a groin-crushing leotard, or the life of a relentless, uncle-killing failure who makes Jonah Hill look like Stone Cold Steve Austin. Alfred Molina co-stars as Doctor Octavius, AKA Doc Ock, AKA a man who ought never ever be seen with his shirt off. Kirsten Dunst returns as the pale ginger werewolf MJ, and Rosemary Harris sizzles as the sassy, sexy Aunt May. Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy welcome special guest-riffer Josh Fruhlinger, the legendary Comics Curmudgeon, author of one of the web’s most irreverent and popular blogs (check him out at http://joshreads.com). Josh has made it his life's mission to survey, and hurl invective at the daily comic strip page, and he knows more about Mary Worth than any living soul, a thought which ought to send chills down your spine. Join us as Josh brings his rapier wit and encyclopedic comic strip knowledge to this favorite of the Spider-Man series, and we promise you'll never have more fun watching a man jump around in tight clothes.

Leave your Prius in the garage and cash out your carbon debts! It's time to watch the end of the world, which is our fault of course, as RiffTrax Presents Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy's razor-sharp political analysis of The Day After Tomorrow - which, by my reckoning, at least for today, may also be called Friday (day of the week may vary in your area; check your local calendar). Director Roland Emmerich lends his usual subtle style to this story of a world in which we should constantly feel guilty for driving to get the pizza instead of walking. Dennis Quaid stars as hard-driven scientist Harrison Ford, who discovers that a humble meteorologist, given enough power, can kill us all. Jake Gyllenhaaaal sizzles as the guy they get when Toby Maguire is busy, and his congenital smirk lights up the screen. Ian Holm adds the weensy bit of English charm that makes the other performances go down like overdone rump roast. An ethnically balanced mob of nobodies rounds out the cast, but a special mention is merited for Kenneth Welsh, who plays a Cheney-esque Vice President so bilious, so bitter and acrid, that his performance actually eats a hole in the floor.

Ah, the summer of 1963—and what better place to spend it than with your family in the Catskills, dancing with the guy from Road House to pop songs from the 80’s! An oily Patrick Swayze, naïve Jennifer Grey and Jennifer Grey’s old nose star in this beloved(?) musical dramedy choreographed by Kenny “High School Musical” Ortega. Also starring Law & Order’s Jerry Orbach (who’s around so much dance murder he should be on the case) and a pre-Seinfeld Wayne Knight, this is the film that will make you think twice about putting your baby in ANY corner. You’ll have the time of your life (or at least be glad you have one) watching this 80’s classic that holds up about as well as a paper mache bridge with Kirstie Alley crossing it. Join Cole Stratton (Who?) and Janet Varney (Wha?) as they try to look on the bright side* and deconstruct this celebration of dance and watermelon-carrying. *film could have been Mannequin or Freejack.

Only one film dared to confront the twin menaces facing America during the 1980s—terrorism and aggressive male-pattern baldness—and that film is Die Hard. So it's fortunate that I'm writing about that particular movie, or something would seem to have gone terribly, terribly wrong—like an emu wearing a Stetson, or anything involving Tom Green. This fearless fly-on-the-wall documentary charts the everyday struggles of vest-wearing cop John McClane, a man who swears like a longshoreman with tourettes and who, we imagine, has real problems getting insurance coverage for any aspect of his life, since he can't seem to walk across the street to use the automatic teller without becoming involved in some sort of automatic weapon-related unpleasantness. When Alan Rickman takes John's annoying big-haired wife hostage, only one response is appropriate. But instead of sitting on the couch in his underwear, scratching himself and watching Phil Donahue, McClane improbably decides to rescue her. And the surprises don't end there! Unless you've seen any action movie made since Die Hard, in which case, they pretty much do.

Have you ever wondered what the inside of a computer looks like? So did Disney, and it’s pretty clear they didn’t do any research when they made Tron. RiffTrax invites you to join internet superstar Jonathan Coulton and less-famous-but-still-kind-of-funny comedy/music duo Paul and Storm on their adventure through a luminous blue world of phallic helmets, light-up Frisbees and tight white unitards. A pre-Dude Jeff Bridges stars as a hotshot video game programmer who gets laser beamed into the world’s dullest rave by David Warner’s evil supercomputer. Cindy Morgan, fresh from the Denise Richards school of unlikely scientists, maybe has a thing for Bruce Boxleitner, who I think is really good at playing this one motorcycle game or something? We can’t say for sure, there were a lot of flashing lights and Casio synth music and we kind of fell asleep for a little while. One thing is certain: beneath the silly costumes and bad CGI there’s a powerful message about humanity, communication and freedom, not to mention a studio executive whose creative judgment was impaired by a bad case of Pac-Man fever. Insert coin to continue.

If messy wet clay and the brothers Everly are your idea of foreplay, look no further than this Jerry Zucker-directed (yes, THAT Jerry Zucker) surprise smash hit of 1990. Test your credulity as our beloved Patrick Swayze trades in his dirty dancin' shoes and his blue collar bartending meat hooks to give a turn in the role he was destined to play: an intelligent, educated, high-powered account executive. Feel his pain when he is prematurely ripped away from Demi Moore while she is upstaged by her own Hobbit haircut. Drown in misery as you discover that the only way he can communicate with her is through a scenery-gnawing con woman. But cheer up! You also get to feast your eyes on some of cinema's worst special effects in the form of crudely animated shadow demons.* Cole Stratton and Janet Varney return for another Swayze classic with Ghost, a movie cloaked in profound questions about the existence of an afterlife, whether the living can communicate with the dead, and how in the world Whoopi Goldberg ended up with an Oscar. *We are not referring to Tony Goldwyn.

Are you ready for running? LOTS of running? Running done by…a man? Then you’re ready for The Running Man, the 1987 Arnold Schwarzenegger vehicle, a movie so powerful that it launched the political careers of two of its stars! Yes, I’m talking about Yaphet Kotto and Professor Toru Tanaka. Didn’t know they were governors, did you? Welcome to the many surprises that The Running Man has in store for you. It’s 2018 and helicopter pilot and ESL language coach Ben Richards has just been framed for a crime he refused to commit. He escapes from prison, gets captured again and is forced to participate in a sadistic game show where he must fight for his very life! It’s pretty dystopian. Thrill! – as Arnold outwits and overpowers various cartoon-like stalkers with names like “Dynamo” and “Buzzsaw”. Squint! – as you try to understand the barely-comprehensible gibberish that spews out of Maria Conchita Alonzo’s mouth. Laugh! – as Jesse Ventura minces around in what is surely the gayest role of his career. The Running Man has something for everyone. Plus it has Richard Dawson playing the villain, a performance that can only be described as “Regis-esque”. Come join us as Matt, Aaron and special guest Chad Vader riff on this 80s sci-fi classic. Why is Chad Vader riffing a non-star-wars movie, you ask? Well, he’s got a lot of free time.

If the movies have taught us nothing else—and plainly, they haven't―then they've at least shown us that astronauts and evil supercomputers are similarly cursed with a stunning lack of imagination. Just as Skynet can't seem to come up with a better plan than to repeatedly send a Terminator back in time to eliminate John Connor before he gets fat, starts wearing a checkered shirt and marries Roseanne, so, with all the planets in an infinite Universe to choose from, NASA's best and brightest only seem capable of crash-landing on the Planet of the Apes (which turns out to be Earth all along, by the way). Chuck Heston began this trend in 1968, demonstrating his right to bear arms as effectively as his right to bare chest. So, if you've ever felt the need to rail against unnamed maniacs who blow “it” up, this is your big chance to do it alongside the guy who played Jason Colby. Also Moses.

Have you ever worried that your favorite super hero might be nothing more than a passing fad? Well, Joel Schumacher is here to put your mind at ease with a film that he based on a slogan he once heard some kids shout after leaving Tim Burton's Batman film: Batman Forever*. A movie so terrible that we still don't understand why people were surprised at how bad Batman & Robin was. Val Kilmer, fresh from his declining career, dons the pointy-eared rubber man suit. He's aided by Chris O'Donnell, fresh from his separate, but equally declining career, as Robin, the "not quite a boy, not quite a man" wonder. Nicole Kidman surprises everyone by proving she doesn't need Tom Cruise to make bad career choices and somehow actually having a career after this film. Tommy Lee Jones follows up his Oscar winning performance from The Fugitive as the scenery-chewing Two-Face, playing him as though he were a Dick Tracy villain. And finally, Jim Carrey appears as crossword puzzle writer Will Shortz, affectionately known around the office as "the Riddler". RiffTrax Presents is proud to bring you this riff by the team from THATGUYWITHTHEGLASSES.com. The GUY himself: Doug Walker, his brother Rob and perpetual hanger-on: Brian Heinz. Join them as they prove that Batman Forever isn't just a bad idea, it's also a bad movie. *Batman Forever does not, in fact, last forever. Effects typically last anywhere from one and a half to two hours; if effects last longer, please consult a physician. Batman Forever has not been approved by the FDA, and should be used only as directed.

Let’s hear it for the boy! What boy? Why, Ren McCormack (Kevin Bacon, at his Baconiest), an outspoken, rebellious lad with anger dancing issues and feathered hair that would make Sally Jessy Raphael jealous. The small town of Beaumont, Texas isn’t ready for his skinny tie ways—certainly not the tall, awkward town preacher Shaw Moore (played by John Lithgow, in a…tall and awkward performance), who spearheaded a law banning dancing after a fatal accident. Can Ren bring some joy to the youth of Beaumont, like Carrie Bradshaw-in-training Sarah Jessica Parker? Can he bring any emotion or semblance of acting to romantic interest Lori Singer, literally the last actress in Hollywood to be offered the role of the Reverend’s daughter Ariel? Can he teach Chris Penn a myriad of ridiculous choreography all the while sharing a walkman blaring Kenny Loggins “music”? And what the heck is Dianne Wiest doing in this? Skewering this celebration of beat-up pickup trucks, mom jeans, shameless Coca-Cola product placement, and illegal rug-cutting are RiffTrax Presents regulars Cole Stratton (who was in Around The Fire with Stephen Tobolowsky, who was in Murder In The First with Kevin Bacon) and Janet Varney (who was in Catwoman with Sharon Stone, who was in He Said, She Said with Kevin Bacon). Everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy…everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy…everybody enjoy, everybody enjoy, everybody…everybody enjoy Footloose!

Let us start by saying that Ghost Rider is the greatest movie ever made. The acting, direction, top-notch storytelling and awe-inducing special effects add up to what can only be called the most amazing achievement in the history of cinema. Please note: we are being forced to say this by Satan. You see, a few years ago we sold our souls to the devil so that Chad Vader would become famous. The Dark Lord kept his promise…but the Devil always gets his due, and we are now forced to reap the bitter fruits of our infernal alliance by watching and riffing the unholy turd known as Ghost Rider. Did I say unholy turd? Sorry, I meant the greatest movie ever made. Joining us is Nicolas Kage, a man who bears a striking resemblance to Nicolas Cage. Same person? A spawn of the underworld sent to torture us? Only Peter Fonda knows for sure.

1982 Tobe Hooper-directed/Steven Spielberg-produced supernatural tale in which the Freeling Family deals with some seriously messed up/crappily-rendered spirits that ghost-nap their young daughter Carol Anne, who communicates with them through a television set (unlike text messaging, which is all the rage with the kids nowadays). A pre-Coach Craig T. Nelson and a pre-, um, Poltergeist JoBeth Williams star alongside Beatrice “I got an Oscar for a 5-min and 40 second performance” Straight, a creepy bedside clown, a ravenous tree, buckets and buckets of Star Wars product placement, and everyone’s favorite lil’ clairvoyant, Zelda Rubinstein. Running towards the light to provide RiffTrax commentary are Janet Varney and Cole Stratton, who previously underwhelmed you with their RiffTrax Presents of Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Footloose. We promise it will be more entertaining than The Bounty Hunter (since everything is). Which dictionary did this definition come out of, anyway? Am I right, people?

So many important historical events would have turned out so differently if people had only thought to voice their concerns when it really mattered. For example, the Amok Time episode of Star Trek would have had a running time of about 20 minutes if Kirk had said: “Listen, before we get started... this isn't to the death, is it? Similarly, just think how much happier we'd all be today if, back in the 1990s, Adam Sandler had said: “You will be honest, and tell me if my movie is an utter piece of crap, appealing only to the lowest common denominator, won't you?” And what if a giant asteroid were heading for the Earth, and the likelihood of the extermination of the entire human race was 100%, don't you wish someone at NASA would speak up and ask: “Look, I know we've got our hearts set on sending some obnoxious, illiterate roughnecks into space in the hope that they'll be able to drill a hole in it and detonate a nuclear weapon on a fault line the screenwriters neglected to mention 'til three-quarters of the way thru the movie... but does anyone agree that we should stop for just a millisecond and ask ourselves whether this is a remotely good idea??!!” This important question remains unasked during Armageddon's absurdly inflated running time*...until now. So join That English Guy(TM) as he considers this and other issues. And probably makes fun of Ben Affleck, too.

Let’s get one thing straight: Vampires don’t sparkle in the sun; they burst into flame. Yes, they sleep all day, party all night, wear dangly earrings, ride motorbikes on the boardwalk and enjoy concerts by long-haired shirtless greasy saxophone players, but they JUST. DO. NOT. SPARKLE. Joel “Can we please stop talking about how I put nipples on the Batsuit?” Schumacher’s 1987 teen vamp flick The Lost Boys is everything Twilight wishes it could be and then some. SWOON over pretty boy Michael (Jason Patric) and his vamp nemesis David (Kiefer Sutherland, peroxided beyond recognition)! LAUGH at those wacky comic-book collecting vamp hunters The Frog Brothers (Corey Feldman, who probably doesn’t remember making this movie, and Jamison Newlander, who probably doesn’t get remembered for making this movie)! SCREAM at Corey Haim’s horribly dated wardrobe! And SIGH wondering why Dianne Wiest and Edward Herrmann signed on to be in this thing. Oh…and… something about Jami Gertz. Returning to the RiffTrax booth are Cole Stratton (who seriously loves this movie) and Janet Varney (who seriously loves that Cole seriously loves this movie). They hope you’ll give it a download…since they have so much at STAKE. Get it? Stake?* *Janet Varney wishes that it be known that she strongly disapproves of that last joke and that Cole takes full responsibility for it.** ** Cole Stratton is wearing sunglasses indoors and thinks it’s hilarious.

Et Tu, 3-D? What was once a fairly harmless novelty now seems to have taken over multiplexes across the country. Flying houses, animated dragons, Ga’hool Owls and unleashed Krakens are spilling off the screen, fatiguing our eyes and migraining our headaches. Waaaay back in 1983, audiences experienced a whole new kind of headache with the third installment in the should-never-have-been-a-franchise Jaws film series, in which a baby shark and its pissed-off momma spend more than one afternoon in SeaWorld and thus start eating people (I think we can all relate). If the effects department can’t stop them (and they try), then Dennis “Crap…I’m in this?” Quaid, Lea “Thank goodness Back to the Future is just around the corner” Thompson, and Louis “I JUST won an Oscar and chose to do this next” Gossett, Jr. will. And, yes, it’s all in eye-poppin’ THHHHHREEEEEEE DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Except…that it’s not. Not on your home DVD. But shhhhhhhhhh…it still thinks it is! Waiting ‘til it’s safe to go back in the water are frequent RiffTrax Presenters Cole Stratton and Janet Varney, who are going to need a much bigger boat to get through this not-so-great-great-white-flick that makes them long for the days of shirtless Patrick Swayze and dancin’ Kevin Bacon.

Three is the magic number—Three Musketeers, Three Blind Mice, three trained marksmen stationed at different points in Dealey Plaza.* Jurassic Park III follows the great tradition of movie trilogies where the person or persons responsible for the success of the first two decided to do something else while they still had a career, leaving whoever happened to be available at the time to finish the job—for further examples, see The Mummy, Scream and The X-Men series. British guy Matthew J Elliott wishes the world at large to know that, in preparing this commentary (the first in history to mention vajazzling.**), he agonized over every single riff. Now it's your turn. *As outlined in my forthcoming book, How Elvis Killed JFK—check Amazon for further details, unless it's suppressed by Government Forces or poor advance sales **At least, I assume so. Hell, I can't watch 'em all. Maybe there's something about it in Casablanca or The Star Wars Holiday Special. But I sure as hell hope not.

The English—inventors of the internet and the language you're reading right now. But what have they ever done for us? Well, stretching a point, there's the famous English detective Sherlock Holmes (who was created by a Scotsman, but what the hell). Holmes has been depicted onscreen more times than any other fictional character, with the possible exception of the Wilhelm Scream Guy. For a hundred years, filmmakers have taken a reverential approach to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's beloved creation. Welcome to the 21st Century. Join Sherlockian Film Expert* Matthew J. Elliott as he guides you through Guy Ritchie's epic without the aid of a magnifying glass. This commentary is also available in 2-D for those who get a headache wearing the special glasses. *Yes, really. Who knew there was such a thing? Or that “Sherlockian” was a word?

Is there life after death? That's what sexy, sexy, sexy med students Nelson, Rachel, Joe, David and Randy* want to know. Through a series of medical experiments, they put each other under to see what's out there—and what follows them back. A growling Keifer Sutherland, permy Julia Roberts, non-dancing Kevin Bacon, testosterone-y William "Billy" Baldwin and foppish Oliver Platt team up with director and fan of the crane shot Joel Schumacher to bathe us all in constant blue light and test our collective patience. Yes, the film that we all remember was nominated for an Academy Award for BEST SOUND EDITING finally gets a RiffTrax ribbing from previously flatlining riffers Cole Stratton and Janet Varney (Where the heck have we been, anyway?). Today is a good day to die—from laughing? (We hope!) *Not so sexy. He's played by Oliver Platt. But...um...brains are sexy, right? RIGHT?

It's kind of tough for me to differentiate between movies and real life, but I'm pretty sure it's historical fact that the Nazis dug up the Ark of the Covenant, and when they opened it, their faces melted off (wow, Indiana Jones sure messed up not letting it get to Hitler – nice work, genius). The moral to this tale: some things are best left buried and forgotten. That being the case, here's Sly Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eric Roberts in The Expendables. I no longer have a DVD of this movie – it's being examined by top men. Top... men.

The Deadly Mantis showed us that the life of a palaeontologist is one of intrigue, romance, and unstoppable monsters. Horror Express does nothing to dispel this notion, so that presumably means it can only be true. Here, Christopher Lee plays Professor Alexander Saxton who, never having been told by his mother that he shouldn’t play with dead things, unearths a frozen ape man in Manchuria because…well, what else is there to do in Manchuria? En route to Moscow by train, the ape man comes back to life, and starts killing off passengers, all the while whistling a haunting tune, in spite of the fact that he doesn’t have any lips. Oh, and Peter Cushing is on the train, too. And Telly Savalas shows up, presumably in order to pay off a gambling debt. Nowadays, there are really only two things to be concerned about when traveling by train: lateness, and sitting too close to the stubbly guy who smells like urine and crazy. Compare that with two movie legends, a homicidal caveman and a bat-poopy insane Telly Savalas, and you'll see that the Horror Express is a ninety-minute ride not to be missed.

Guns, girls, grappling, gorillas, slightly gray looking greenery! This film has it all! King of Kong Island is the action-packed tale of a scantily-clad jungle girl, some people who speak English without seeming to understand it and sometimes without bothering to move their lips, a mad scientist friend of theirs they’ve lost touch with a bit and their very many cigarettes. It seems almost impossible for these many disparate elements to fuse together into one coherent and gripping narrative, doesn’t it? Well, that didn’t stop the makers of this bizarre Italian adventure story giving it a go anyhow. Hey, it was the 60s, a lot of people were experimenting. In this case they were experimenting with planting radio spares in apes’ brains so they could be controlled remotely. Everyone needs a hobby, don’t they? Our square-jawed and trapezoid-chested hero, Burt, is drawn into a world of intrigue, stock footage of wildlife, terrifying disco-dancing and advanced brain surgery in this extraordinary film that everyone claims features a relative of King Kong. With the help of your intrepid riffers, Matthew J Elliott and Ian Potter, you will be able to join those happy few who have made it through to the end to find out if that’s actually true. You may not be quite as happy as them when you get there, but you’ll laugh a lot along the way and you’ll never make it through Kong Island without us. Wherever it turns out that is…

Was there ever a more seminal film than Scared to Death? You heard me, seminal. It's a word. Look it up, it's not what you think. By kicking off with a body in a mortuary narrating the story, this classy horror­mystery served as the blueprint for Sunset Boulevard over a decade later. Granted, Sunset Boulevard was an all­time Hollywood classic while Scared to Death wound up being mocked by a couple of English guys, but that wasn't the only time it served as a basis for other more notable pictures. For a start, there's a reporter in it... just like Dustin Hoffman and Robert Redford in All the President's Men! Coincidence? Well, possibly, but consider this – you've also got Bela Lugosi (in his only color movie) playing a foreign guy! Now ask yourself how many films made after Scared to Death feature foreigners? Hell, foreign films are full of 'em! Can you really afford to miss this, the wellspring from which all modern motion pictures draw their inspiration?

You’re a citizen of the world, right? You know about Japanese cinema. You remember Ringu - that horror film you accidentally rented because you thought it was a kids' show about a penguin. You enjoy the majestic historical spectacles of Akira Kurosawa, even though he clearly ripped all his best bits off westerns. You’ve devoured the melancholy, dream-like animations of Studio Ghibli, waiting for a rude bit with tentacles. You’ve watched all the Godzillas - even the good one and Samuel Beckett’s disappointing Waiting for Godzilla. So why haven’t you seen Warning From Space? Eh? Hmm? What‘s not to love in a film bringing together a group of giant one-eyed alien starfish, the nail-biting drama of scientific research1, a rogue planet set on a collision course with our Earth, a lavish song and dance number, and a game of tennis with an alien duplicate? It’s dubbed into English. You won’t need to read or anything. If that wasn’t enough, you can now experience the movie with the added benefit of two Brits talking in the gaps between the weirdly dubbed Japanese people. Amazingly, many of their bits make more sense than the actual story2, and occasionally manage to be funnier than the alien starfish costumes3. 1 There is less drama in scientific research than you may have been led to believe. 2 Not a huge claim. 3 Massive claim. Your money back if you’re prepared to take us to court in an attempt to dispute it and manage to convince the jury.

If you die in your dreams, do you die in real life? That's, like, the conceit of this Sci-Fi classic(?) from 1984 in which a young psychic played by Dennis Quaid (who really shoulda seen his brother Randy's weird behavior on the horizon) works with a sorta-understandable scientist Swede Max Von Sydow to go inside people's dreams. See Kate Capshaw's mega-80s hair! Listen to a barely-awake Christopher Plummer as a steely government agent! Watch David Patrick Kelly creepily eat a sandwich! And throw in George "Norm!" Wendt in a bar no less! Oh, and did we mention claymation special effects?

September 29, 2015 – NASA scientists announce the discovery of water on Mars, entirely failing to acknowledge the far more significant discoveries made by a team of dedicated scientists (and Cameron Mitchell) made on their flight there in 1951. Water? Check. Grapes on walls? Check. No pants for ladies? Oh, hell yeah. David Bowie's query has finally been answered – there is life on Mars! OK, technically his query was answered decades before he recorded that song, but life on Mars there is, be­-robed, pants-less life, and it's the job of these intrepid travelers to explain “What is kiss, Earthman?” Flight to Mars represents everything you could possibly want in a sci­-fi movie, provided you don't ask for eye­-popping CGI effects you'll remember in your dreams, or anything not featuring the guy from Supersonic Man.

It’s Bridget and Mary Jo’s first feature film! Riffing-wise, that is. A routine trip to the moon runs amok when the astronauts encounter a race of women with feline tendencies, such as teleportation and wearing leotards. They are the last survivors of an ancient civilization, and they only have a couple of boxes of breathable air left. Desperate to migrate to Earth, the Cat-Women have been telepathically controlling Helen, the ship’s navigator (and girl) to aid them. Then the crew -- ooops - sorry, no spoilers! Starring Marie “The Queen of the Bs” Windsor, and urban legend subject and Laugh-In guest Sonny Tufts, Variety magazine wrote about the film, “...the cast ably portray their respective roles." So take THAT!

Don't Let Go! But the thing is - Commander Matt Kowalski (George Clooney), helming his last mission before retirement, does let go! And much much too early as far as Bridget and Mary Jo are concerned. It sorta seems like he wanted to die. Anyway, the point is he leaves Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) on her own with nothing but the keys to a Chinese space ship. And guess what? It’s a stick shift! Kooky chaos ensues! Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they riff their very first Hollywood blockbuster!

Beautiful sisters compete for the attentions of a charismatic hypnotist but Hollywood actor Richard Carlson senses something sinister (in a bland sort of way). Ravens, crystal balls, cocktails and ….MURDER! Run, don’t walk, to your computer screen and prepare yourself for The Amazing Mr. X. Sometimes also known as The Spiritualist, this film boasts the cinematography of John Alton, who won an academy award for An American in Paris, and features Virginia Gregg, the voice of Mrs. Bates in Psycho.

Take off your bra, perm your hair, and shine your love! Bridget and Mary Jo take you back in time to riff the 1979 classic Angels' Revenge. If you like slapstick crime dramas starring girls in bikinis with feathered bangs AND cast members from "Gilligan's Island," then this is the riff for you! Don’t have crisis of confidence - invest in RiffTrax and laugh your way to 1980.

Now the truth can be told! Wait, not quite now, give it another couple of seconds. OK... now. Hangar 18 tells the story of a vast cover-up involving a crashed UFO, the Man From UNCLE, Kolchak the Night Stalker, and lots and lots of mustaches. In fact, this may be the mustachiest film outside of full-blown 70s porn. Please take our word for that, and do not type "full-blown" and "porn" into Google. Your internet searches are no longer safe. I'm talking to you in particular, Tim. We know what you do, alone, in the dark. Everyone knows: us, the government, and especially your dead Na-Na, who is weeping in Heaven right now. So make it up to her, and enjoy Hangar 18 instead of - you know - that other stuff.

via https://www.rifftrax.com/deadly-instincts A meteorite has crashed in the quad of a women’s college in the faraway land of Boston/Scotland. Its passenger, an alien monster, mates with the student body to carry on his hideous species. Only the art professor, his star student/girlfriend, and the monster’s girlfriend (who’s been trying to break up with him) can save the campus before the big homecoming dance! Also known as Breeders, Deadly Instincts is just another fine example of weird, sci-fi schlock. Plus, lots of college! Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they navigate Deadly Instincts!

The Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas special is a full length movie! Beyond Christmas. The ghosts of three elderly industrialists killed in an airplane crash return to Earth to help reunite a young couple whom they initially brought together on Christmas Eve. It’s sorta like Ghost meets It’s a Wonderful Life... oh, and some Russians. A sweet Christmas love story with jolly riffing from Bridget and Mary Jo.

Come with us now, into the future. Actually, most of us were planning on getting there anyway. Slow going, isn't it? If only we could get there faster, like incompetent dirigible pilot "Buck" Rogers, and his young buddy, "Buddy", who manage to sleep through most of the 500-year trip. Still too slow? What if someone had edited that future down from serial length to one more or less movie-sized lump? Still not convinced? What if we got two Brits to yack over it? It's your future, squander it wisely. Remember when Reader's Digest published those books that whittled novels down to manageable length by removing all that bothersome atmosphere and character? Maybe they still do that. Hell, maybe there's still such a thing as Reader's Digest. I wouldn't know, I haven't been to the dentist in a while. It's not a big deal. You don't lose all that much blood from your gums, it's cool, I just get a little light-headed toward the end of the day. Planet Outlaws is the Mirror Universe version of one of those Reader's Digest books. Yes, it's cut down from something much longer, but instead of keeping the bits that made sense of the story, they put together a movie from all the other stuff, but not before holding a ballroom dancing championship on top of the partial reels of film, just to ensure that they could never be reconstructed in a coherent order. These are the adventures of Buck Rogers, who may or may not be a planet outlaw!

Bridget and Mary Jo enjoy this 1946 “drama” (according to Wikipedia), which was the first of Monogram Pictures’ The Teen Agers series, way back before compound words were invented. Junior Prom follows the trials and tribulations of said teenagers as they navigate post war America in the microcosm of their high school.

Temptress of Pleasure or Mistress of Murder? Bridget and Mary Jo investigate as they riff Sherlock Holmes and The Woman in Green! Originally in black and white, the woman The Woman in Green was difficult to identify — but because of the wonder of colorization, Bridget and Mary Jo figure out who’s wearing green almost immediately! The rest of the mystery is elementary.

For thousands of years, mankind has wondered: were we visited by ancient astronauts? Was Stonehenge a UFO refuelling station? Were the Nazca lines of Southern Peru designed to guide their craft in to land? Are the pyramids proof of alien involvement in human development? Snowbeast answers none of these questions. I don't even know why I brought them up, quite frankly. No, Snowbeast is more of a 1970s TV-movie-of-the-week, detailing what happens when Bigfoot goes on vacation. Sadly, the big galoot didn't remember to take any snacks with him, and he's forced to make do with the guests at the nearby ski lodge. If you're one of those people who gets an almost indecent thrill from seeing lots and lots of snowmobile footage, then please get some help. But before you do that, settle in for the evening and enjoy Snowbeast. You'll be glad you did.

SHE: it’s not just a singular nominative pronoun - it’s the latest RiffTrax from Bridget and Mary Jo! Based on H. Rider Haggard’s novel, the eponymous She holds captive a group of explorers who have stumbled into the subterranean ancient civilization of Kor. One of the explorers might be her true love from a previous life. Another is a potential rival for his affections. And what about the third member of the group? Find out in this exciting adventure film starring Helen Gahagan, Randolph Scott, and Nigel Bruce, and excitingly Production Associated by Shirley Burden!

A super uptight type-A alien (Devil Girl) en route to London makes an emergency landing in the Scottish moors. While her spaceship is in the shop for repairs she reveals that all the men on Mars have been nagged to death so she has been sent to earth to collect new ones to cuddle and sometimes breed with. Who will she choose? The old scientist? The poor man's Sean Connery? The escaped convict? Pour a glass of scotch and join Bridget and Mary Jo as they riff this Sci Fi classic. P.S. The robot is awesome!

Regular High school student Freddie is mistaken for the most famous radio singer in the country who happens to be missing. Misunderstandings stack up, sardines are involved, and nobody knows who the baby belongs to! The chaos ensues until the big dance number puts everything right. This is the second installment in the (middle aged) Teenager series.

Rescue Me - from this movie, amirite? Woooot! High five! Rescue Me is a coming-of-age film about a high school loser, Frazier, who sets out to rescue his secret crush, Ginny, from a couple of thugs who have abducted her as collateral in a stamp deal gone bad. He meets up with war vet Mack, who wants his stamps back, and together they set out on a cross-country adventure from the Oklahoma region of Southern California all the way to Venice Beach. Join Bridget and Mary Jo for a journey of self-discovery, motorcycles, photographying, love, and laughter!

Dupe of S03E319, Charlie's Christmas Secret. All shorts are apart of Season 03.

Someone is trying to crash the economy of Great Britain! Can the world's greatest detective solve the mystery before it’s time for tea? When an old friend of Dr. Watson named “Stinky” gets hit on the head during a robbery attempt, Sherlock Holmes suspects more than petty theft. His suspicions prove correct and lead him to a diabolical plot involving three identical music boxes, Samuel Johnson, and an evil but well-dressed adversary. Warning: Extensive talk of biscuits.

Death comes in many colours: Black, which isn't a colour, Red (which was just wearing a mask), Green which at least recycles, and of course the colour Purple which takes two and a half hours but feels like more. Listen, this Purple Death isn't just from Outer Space either; it's dusty death as well. It gets everywhere and in black and white too so you can't even tell it's being purple. Who can save us from this monochromatic interstellar menace? Why Flash Gordon, Professor Zarkov and (to a much lesser degree) Dale Arden - that's who! Thrill to mustachioed men in tights who sound more British than your riffers! Swoon as sparky space ships swing through the stars like some things on strings! Gasp at the actually comprehensibly edited story that makes this serial turned movie almost 97% not just flying back and forward from Space committee meetings!

A hurricane strands spoiled rich girl Jeri and crewmates Fred and Sammy when their yacht runs aground on a remote island. They soon discover a tribe of beautiful women held captive by Nazis, led by mad scientist Col. Osler. Osler is conducting experiments to transfer the women's beauty onto his disfigured wife - and the lovely Jeri could be next. As if things couldn’t get any worse, a volcano is about to blow and the U.S. Air Force is test bombing the island. Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they take on the worst kind of demons - She Demons!

A bio-engineered monster is crawling the sewers of Los Angeles, feeding on human spinal fluid. Hot-headed novelist and former police detective, Ted Lonergan is the only man who can stop the monster. Despite his girlfriend’s life being at stake and the animosity of his former boss, Lonergan is as useful as if he’d never been brought in on the case!

Bridget and Mary Jo leave it all on the field with yet another Teen-Agers film, High School Hero, featuring zero actual teenagers. Freddie wants his big break in show biz, Whitney High wants to win a football game, Betty wants a big story for the school paper, Miss Hinklefink wants Owen, and Bridget and Mary Jo just want to go home. There are hijinx and shenanigans aplenty, and - spoiler alert - a totally different Tiny!

Wwhat we have here, as well as the first major example of transatlantic movie mockery, is the very British Sir Christopher Lee, taking time off from leading starship invasions to play Sherlock Holmes in a very German movie concerning the theft of Cleopatra's Necklace and—well, a lot of stuff, quite frankly. People die, things explode, cars crash. You won't understand it (even though it's been dubbed into English), but you definitely won't be bored.

Medical student Larry has lost his scholarship! Or has he? Desperate to pay for his last semester, he resorts to a heinous crime. But did he? And he’s falling hard for local waitress Eileen. But is she really who she says she is? A tenacious detective is determined to catch the criminal. But does he have the wrong guy? Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they find out the answers to these and other questions in Fear!

This one goes out to all you completists! It's the fourth of eight Teen Agers films, and the gang has graduated high school - and it just so happens Miss Hinklefink has inherited a ranch out west. Come for the antics, tomfoolery, and mixups - and stay for a surprising change of heart.

Once in every generation, a film comes along that truly lives up to its title. Had the people who dubbed Seddok the Heir of Satan from Italian into English not decided to rename what resulted in Atom Age Vampire, this could have been one of those movies. But they did call it that, despite the fact that there are no vampires, and nothing particularly connected to the Atom Age, and that's something we all have to live with. What we have here is a sordid tale of a not-really-hideously-deformed nightclub dancer, a horndog scientist and his bespectacled girlfriend or maybe wife, who maybe dies or maybe doesn't (it's all in how the movie's edited). People are then subsequently murdered by something that could fit into a variety of categories, but most definitely IS NOT a vampire of the atom age. It's all connected to the deformed dancer, who, honestly, is not that badly deformed - if she just styled her hair a little differently, not even her own mother would know. But how? Only you and the editor will know for sure.

This is not a movie. Moved to Shorts along with "Have a Mary Jo Christmas and a Bridget New Year", "The Second Annual Bridget and Mary Jo Christmas Special!", and "The Spring Collection".

The washing's piling up, you're drinking beer, talking nonsense and forgetting what day of the week it is. It's probably Friday, because you're having fish again. Have you ever felt that awkward atmosphere after your partner failed to notice your new hairdo? An atmosphere so awkward, in fact, that it's suffocating everyone not wearing scuba gear? Well, Ev's having one of those days, which also happens to be Doomsday, because the vaguest apocalypse in movie history just struck, leaving behind only Ev, her wife, Harold, and Harold's H.P. Lovecraft lookalike lawyer Martin. It's the end of the world as we know it, and Martin feels the gaze of the infinite void This is the spellbinding drama of an eternal triangle featuring three compelling figures and also Matthew J Elliott.

Deck the halls with boughs of Bridget and Mary Jo in their latest RiffTrax Holiday Special! With fresh riffs for the 90s - the 1890s, that is. Featuring a Grandpa, a Virginia, a sing-along, and a Doug Llewellyn, this very special special will warm hearts yonder and nigh at this special time of year!

“Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night, nor for the arrow that flieth by day.” So it is said-ith in the Bible. This movie has absolutely nothing to do with that quotation. Instead, here are Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, back again as Holmes and Watson, investigating a series of murders committed on a train bound for Scotland. None of the murders are done with an arrow that flieth, but they do all take place at night, so that's got to count for something. Holmes is customarily unruffled, Watson is ruffled pretty much all the time, and there are a bunch of interesting accents on display. So jump on board, for the greatest murder mystery ever to occur on a train and not involving a finicky Belgian detective.

Nora is a brilliant and beautiful scientist on the verge of an important scientific breakthrough. Unfortunately, she’s also a Female Lady Girl Woman, and the pressure mounts for her to abandon her career before her man falls for the ineffectual-but-available lab assistant. Enjoy mystery, mayhem, and mistaken identities with Bridget and Mary Jo in Strange Impersonation!

Susan Lucci is once, twice, three times a lady - mobster, that is! Multiple Daytime Emmy also-ran Lucci stars as the orphaned Laurel, who is adopted by a mobster family after her parents are murdered by hitmen. But being a high-powered attorney with a fine 80s wardrobe isn’t enough for this little lady. When the crime boss dies, Lucci steps in and organizes crime - her own way.

It’s double-ya double-ya two and Sherlock Holmes once again faces Professor Moriarty - with nothing less than the future of England at stake! Holmes must crack a secret - but cute - code to prevent Moriarty from selling an extremely accurate bomb site to the Nazis (we hate those guys). Bridget and Mary Jo join in a race against time in Sherlock Holmes And The Secret Weapon. (Hint: it ain't Watson.)

She’s a bride. He’s a gorilla. What happens when they meet and fall in love in the jungles of South America? Murder and mayhem, that’s what! Raymond Burr is a plantation foreman who kills his employer, then has at his boss’s hot wife. But the neighborhood witch just happens to witness the murder and puts a curse on him, which has him roaming the jungle doing a lot of things not on the honey-do list. (Bridget & Mary Jo)

It's the not-too-distant future of the not-too-distant future and mankind has breached the boundaries of space. Space armadas, hyper-dimensional anomalies, green-skinned ladies who demand to be told “What is kiss?” Assignment: Outer Space features none of these sci-fi staples; instead, we follow the adventures of journalist Ray Peterson - played by a guy who was Felix Leiter in that one James Bond film, and who may or may not be dubbed with his own actual voice for a change – as he makes it his business to piss off just about everybody in the cosmos. It seems like a Herculean task, but somehow, he's equal to it. But when an out-of-control rocket threatens life on planet Earth, our boy is looking at the story to end all lifetimes. Can he fearlessly report about it while other people do the actual hero work?

Scientist Carter Morton and his assistant, Oliver Frank, are working to create a medicine that will eliminate all disease among mankind. Little does Carter know that Frank is a descendent of Victor Frankenstein and has a secret project all his own. Then Carter’s niece Trudy and her boyfriend, played by cinematic vacuum John Ashley, start having suspicions about the Female Monsters in the neighborhood. Could it be curtains for Frank? Find out with Bridget and Mary Jo and Frankenstein’s Daughter!

There are enough plots and characters for everyone in this made-for-TV movie! It’s a who’s who and who’s not of ‘80s celebrities, like Michael J. Fox, Nancy McKeon, Anthony Edwards and more. Grab your bingo card and dauber, and play along with Bridget and Mary Jo in this hard-hitting look at life after middle school in these United States of America.

They come out at night, they feast on human blood, and they can only be repelled by a crucifix or the odor of garlic. They are, of course, vampires. But nobody ever made a movie about a vampire in a girls' dormitory, so there's this instead. A lycanthrope is mutilatin—okay, not really mutilating. He's kind of savaging—All right, he's not exactly savaging them. The werewolf just kind of nuzzles his schoolgirl victims (none of whom are of schoolgoing age, but not yet ready to retire to Florida, either) until they die in a nonspecific fashion because werewolf. But who could the werewolf be in his downtime? Is it the creepy teacher? The other creepy teacher? The other other creepy teacher? Or could it be the creepy janitor? Grab a round of silver bullets, then join the Brit-Riffers and find out! Something you should know: Contains a brief scene of simulated animal harm involving a dog.

Amanda is an aspiring artist Gen-Xer who works two jobs while being ignored by her parents and two-timed by her loser boyfriend. Amanda, played by Nicole Eggert’s midriff, is an aspiring artist and Gen-Xer who works two jobs while being ignored by her parents and two-timed by her loser boyfriend. Amanda’s whole world is turned upside down when she meets a hot alien and helps hide him from ruthless government agents trying to track him down. It’s Bridget and Mary Jo Go Time!

Do you lay awake night after night, tossing and turning, wondering... What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?? Sure, we all do! Bridget and Mary Jo bring you up to speed with the 1991 redux of the classic - this time with real live sisters: the Redgraves Lynn and Vanessa! This Grand Guignol of sibling rivalry is updated to feature modern inventions like VHS, stairlifts, physical therapy, and Billy Korn! (Is he a grass? We may never know.) Tune in, drop down the stairs, and find out whatever happened! (And be sure to hang around for the credits.)

It’s the bonkers-est Christmas Eve ever for the Becker-Hix clan! When last we left them, elder bride Margaret Becker had just married a much younger man, much to the dismay of her four grown children. In the second from the “...of the Bride” oeuvre, Margaret discovers she’s pregnant shortly after returning from her honeymoon. Her kids are aghast anew, including Mary, who’s just left the nunhood and is preggers herself. And yep, we all gotta go to Midnight Mass - and that’s when all holy heck breaks loose! Happy holidays from Bridget and Mary Jo and the whole Baby of the Bride team, featuring Rue McClanahan, Kristy McNichol, Ted Shackleford, and that guy who won two back-to-back Daytime Emmys!

Imagine Invasion of the Body Snatchers crossed with The Stepford Wives. Okay, now imagine it bigger, with extra nudity and making less sense. Now add honey. You're still a little way off imagining this extraordinary movie from the pen of Nicholas Meyer and the mind of a teenage boy. Thrill to the story of a conspiracy of wild women with bee enhanced DNA set on ruthlessly orgasming a small number of unattractive middle-aged men to death! Gasp at the nylon underpants! Weep as your brave riffers face more gratuitously exposed breasts than they've ever seen outside a STARZ mini series or outdoor music festival.

We've all been there: it's 1962 and you're a prom queen on your way to the big dance with your hot-head jerk of a boyfriend at the wheel when you meet your demise in a car crash! Voila, you’re an apparition whose only chance at redemption is to return to Earth and set things right. This means playing matchmaker for the high school friends you left behind, who seemed to have moved on just fine and never mention the traumatizing event. It’s Bridget, Mary Jo, and Earth Angel! Together with strange acting bedfellows Shakespearean actor Roddy McDowall; TV stars Erik Estrada and Cindy Williams; Miami Vice’s, 21 Jump Street’s, and Otis Elevator’s Rainbow Harvest; and Mark Hamill as the nerd whose heart was broken by Earth Angel lo, those many years ago.

In 1958, Hal Roach – the man behind Laurel and Hardy's greatest comedies – decided to make a horror anthology series starring Boris Karloff. That series then remained in a vault for the next thirty years, because it was exactly as good as you think it was. Now, RiffTrax Presents is somewhat proud to bring you three of those episodes, all of them with basically the same moral: that women are bad news, and you're best steering clear of them. See the guy from All Creatures Great and Small witness a premonition of his brother's murder, skilfully edited to remove the important detail that his own fiancée did it. See a creepy lounge lizard become improbably obsessed with a woman he almost runs over while driving at speed. And see Boris Karloff himself as a salty old sea dog who carries venomous snakes in his luggage while the rest of us pack sun tan oil and a John Grisham paperback. The Veil... Be warned, there's more of it.

It’s the be-spandexed and be-mulleted 1980s, and Diana Prince, AKA Wonder Woman, is living anonymously among mere mortals. Filmed entirely in ChaosVision, WW84 finds Diana gigging as a curator of antiquities, and in her spare time saving pedestrians from oncoming cars. Her new work bestie, Barbara Minerva, discovers a Dreamstone among the ancient tchotchkes, which grants the holder one wish. When it falls into the hands of Babs’s oleaginous crush Max Lord, anarchy and mayhem rain down throughout the world. Oh, and Barbara transforms into Cheetah. Join Bridget and Mary Jo and find out if WW can stop moping about Steve Trevor long enough to become the Shero the world needs!

Larry "Buster" Crabbe, Sam J Jones... These are the actors one automatically thinks of whenever "Flash Gordon" is mentioned. But the name Steve Forrest is always said in hushed tones... or maybe not at all, since you probably never heard of him. Now, it's time to join him on his adventures in the post-war TV series as his ship, the Skyflash, blasts off for the far-flung planet... Earth. The series was filmed in post-WWII West Germany, which means that most of the bit-players don't speak English, they just phonetically mime an English-speaker reading their lines off-camera. So there's that to look forward to, along with Flash, Dale and Zarkov battling aliens so crappy they make the special effects in Plan 9 look like CGI. Place your trust in Ian and Matthew to guide you through the unfamiliar territory of Flash Gordon - West German Style!* *Remarks to the effect that Hollywood icon George Segal is still alive are demonstrably false. Thoughts with his family.

When last we left the titular Bride, she’d married a younger man and had just given birth to a new baby, adding to her family of grown children. In the third of the made-for-TV dramas, the family is planning the wedding of unlucky-in-love daughter Anne, while former nun daughter Mary is falling for a biker dude. All goes haywire when their long-gone deadbeat father shows up, and tries to woo Margaret back. But all’s well that ends well - and it does end for somebody. Content warning: spontaneous “fun” dance sequence occurs.

Gregarious, whistling courier Bill has gone missing - and under suspicious circumstances. Nora, an aspiring actress and Bill’s friend, starts sleuthing. Whether it means reciting an elaborate story to exercise her Method chops, shrieking at the cops, grimacing at her accountant/novelist husband, or complaining that “Bill is missing” in every single scene, Nora will stop at nothing to find him. Hang on tight, because Lucky Day takes viewers on a thrill ride like no other in a TV movie adaptation of one of the thousands of novels by prolific novelist Mary Higgins Stuart Masterston Louise Parker Clark!

Nell McDermott’s mysterious husband has been killed under mysterious circumstances in an even more mysterious boat explosion. Now the search is on for who done it - and why. Joining forces with another widow, Nell (Sean Young, in her clenchest jawest performance ever) braves safe deposit boxes, an attempt on her life, and pressure from her grandfather to run for public office - and a nosy detective who seems to take an inordinate interest in her jogging schedule. Say "Hello" to another Mary Higgins Clark riff! Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they tackle Before I Say Goodbye!

This cautionary tale about youth and hormones finds high schoolers Tommy and Helen crossing state lines on a whim to get married by a justice of the peace. They’re grounded for life when their parents find out, but still somehow manage to find themselves involved with a gang of car thieves. Come for the gripping mortgage subplot, but stay for the Thelma and Louise denouement! With special guest appearance dialogue by Ed Wood!

A grateful world thanks Romania for its cereal and stuffed furnishing exports. And now: Teenage Space Vampires. ilmed in a housing development somewhere in Europe’s twelfth largest country, Bill is a nerdy high school student who discovers a UFO has landed in the neighborhood. Then, in the local abandoned mine, he and his friends discover their fellow students in the thralls of a vampire creature who is planning to take over the world by obliterating the sun. Bill, his friends, and a team of scientists must keep the sun shining for the good of all mankind! And interestingly enough, “Vlad” was one of the top ten baby names of 1998.

"Some might call this preposterous, but many still more extraordinary phenomena have oftimes been recorded by exemplary, trustworthy and upstanding individuals. Might such a thing be true, might I even, mayhap, be paid by the word? We may never know... this side of the gossamer veil that separates truth from utter bullcrap." - Boris Karloff, probably Those fellas from BritTrax semi-proudly present another three episodes of the 1958 anthology series that redefined television by not being shown on it for decades. First, Boris plays a beloved Italian doctor with a distinctive British accent, who's probably a ghost or something. Next, he's a horny French uncle with a distinctive British accent, whose nephew is peeping on his ex via a crystal ball. Remember, it's not stalking if it involves magic. Finally, Boris is back as a kindly American family lawyer with a surprisingly convincing American accent. Nah, just kidding, he's British again, and there's some weird stuff going on as usual. Will any of those stories provide, once and for all, definitive proof of the supernatural? The only way to be certain is to watch this riff! But, no. They won't. Sorry.

You demanded more Higginses Clarkses - and we heard you! He Sees You When You’re Sleeping is a Christmas fantasy based on the selfsame novel by mother/daughter team Mary and Carol. Self-centered and ambitious bad golfer Sterling Brooks is killed in a freak accident, ruining absolutely no one’s Christmas. On the way to the afterlife he’s accosted by Joe (B.J. and The Bear’s very own Greg Evigan), a guardian angel who gives him a chance to get to heaven. All he has to do is reunite a preteen girl with her mother, who’s run afoul of the mob after invoicing them for her singing gig at their holiday party.

The “Bride” that begat them all: Children Of The! Long divorced from her philandering husband, Margret Becker is about to remarry. Only problem is, the groom-to-be is barely older than her grown children - making them even more dysfunctional. It’s another Becker trainwreck as all four kids land on Margret’s doorstep for the nuptials with lots of baggage. The usual dramatis personae of Rue McClanahan, Kristy McNichol, and Anne Bobby are here, along with Patrick Duffy as the OG John, and the trailblazer Jack Coleman, the giant on whose shoulders all the subsequent Dennys would stand.

Brace yourself for four more thrilling adventures of Flash Gordon that will take you only as far as the budget will permit! See Flash's girlfriend Dale repeatedly strapped down! See Flash face off against an army of androids dressed as beekeepers, galactic criminals in relentlessly absurd headgear, and underground beings sporting trashbag haute couture! Can Flash prevail against technical and economic restraints, as well as some fairly impenetrable accents? He's just a man, with a man's courage... Join Matthew and Ian to find out!

Mary Higgins Clark has done it again. And we're so sorry! Frederica Dumay loves her new handsome husband. Even though he knows nothing about wine or business, she puts him in charge of her half of a Canadian winery. On the night of the new vintage launch her business partner's wife is found dead in a fountain. Freddi thinks her partner's new, hot, wine-guzzling, bikini-rocking girlfriend with a weird accent did it, so she enlists the help of an old computer geek boyfriend who suggests looking into her new husband's background instead. Everyone seems guilty except the loyal maid! Freddi is not sure who to trust or where to turn, but most importantly, whether to pair Burgundy or Sauvignon Blanc with poutine!

How do you tell a coherent story featuring Cuban mercenaries, a secret agent, a budding romance between individuals from entirely alien cultures, and a fearsome monster? Don't ask anyone who worked on this movie, because they don't know either. Legend has it that not everything filmed for Last Woman on Earth ended up on screen (let that sink in), and so Roger Corman, with his impeccable artistic eye, saw there was real potential in the excised footage that less bold filmmakers might have just thrown in the trash. So, using actors recycled from Last Woman on Earth, a plot and title recycled from Beast of the Haunted Cave, and a monster recycled from some recycling, Corman exquisitely knocked together this motion picture over he course of seven days, and still somehow had the weekend off. RiffTrax Presents is proud to RiffTrax Present this masterwork, lovingly recolored by unhappy people, and talked over by two guys with weird accents.

Dr. Bill Cortner has been busy defying the medical community's cautions by unsuccessfully trying to transplant stolen limbs onto his lab assistant. On a weekend getaway he drives too fast, rolls his convertible and decapitates his girlfriend Jan. As luck would have it he is able to wrap her head in his sportcoat, jog back to the lab and keep it alive in a shallow sauce pan. Now all he has to do is troll nightclubs and find her a new body! Most girls would be grateful - but not Jan! She does nothing but complain, nag and make everything about her! She thinks Dr. Bill is “unethical” and eventually convinces the closet mutant to turn against him and help her by saying, “I'm only a head, and you're whatever you are. Together we're strong. More powerful than any of them!" It’s enough to make you question Science!

Janet Varney and Cole Stratton riff this mess of an ‘80s fantasy film directed by Richard “Goonies” Donner and starring Matthew Broderick (Ferris Bueller-ing his way through medieval times with a Yonkers accent) as a young thief who aids cursed lovers Michelle Pfeiffer (just a few years away from sitting on chairs backwards in Dangerous Minds) and Rutger Hauer (acting the minimum required from a replicant).

Spoiler alert! In this mysterious thriller, a woman comes back! Specifically to Eben Rock, the site of long-ago witch burnings instigated by a preacher who got a little carried away. When a neighbor girl loses a doll, Woman starts to believe she, too, is a witch - yet a rekindled romance makes for a pleasant distraction.

Based on the Mary Higgins Clark novel of the same name and bearing .000001% resemblance, a woman is asked to identify a dead body and discovers it’s her exact double. From there it’s a half-thrill-an-hour, stopped-roller-coaster of a ride that makes absolutely no sense as she unravels her father’s mysterious death - and tries to avoid her own. In other words, standard Mary Higgins Clark.

All good things must come to an end, and so must the post-war, German-based adventures of Flash Gordon. So strap yourselves in, and know that Dale is already way ahead of you. See Flash and his pals turn entirely negative under the orders of yet another evil witch queen (this show has a selection). See one of the cast of I Was a Teenage Werewolf not being eaten by a werewolf this time! See Flash turn back time in order to save Dale from another evil witch queen! Join Ian, Matthew, and, who knows, maybe another evil witch queen as they guide you through the last ever space adventures of Flash Gordon!* *The early '50s TV version, we mean. It'll be a crime against riffing if Mike, Kevin and Bill don't eventually do the Sam J. Jones movie.

The Scarlet Claw takes Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson to the exotic locales of Canada (none of which we ever see) where they’re attending the Royal Canadian Occult Society Conference in Quebec City. Before they've even had a chance to attend any breakout sessions or pass out their swag, they’re tasked with investigating a murder. The nearby village of La Mort Rouge is beset with mysterious killings, which locals believe is the work of a monster who lurks in the surrounding marshes. But Holmes suspects the killer walks among them. (Bill Cartledge fans, you’ll want to keep your eyes peeled for his uncredited-yet-brilliant portrayal of Hotel Bellhop.)

Scientist Dr. Howard Denker gets the big idea to bombard an artificial radioactive isotope with alpha particles. We’ve all been there. But this causes the element, called serranium, to create matter out of energy and thus grow exponentially. Enter Dr. Jeffrey Stewart (Hollywood Actor and Minnesotan Richard Carlson), who realizes the isotope could become so enormous it could throw Earth out of its orbit which might cause some issues. With his sidekick Dan - played King Donovan, known for Invasion of the Body Snatchers and Mr. Imogene Coca - and the reluctant assistance of Canada, Earth is saved. (Spoiler alert: There was no monster.)

The Louisiana swamp lands: a rural community living on strong liquor and baked beans with pork in predominantly wooden housing. A community living in fear of one deadly spark... Oh, and the local werewolf, yeah, some of them are scared of that. But it's not all wood, ham, chewing the furniture and not following through emotionally; there are other types of acting on display, too. There's the magnificent "stoical sheriff who can't quite believe he's ended up in a horror-themed TV Movie" work of David Janssen. Then we have the exemplary "disreputable local doctor with a secret even bigger than his combover" characterization from John Beradino. And who can forget the incredible "being really annoying" performance of Barbara Rush in a role that surely only looked "faintly annoying" on paper? We can't, and, to be honest, it's making forgiveness harder. However, all of this pales into insignificance when set against some of the finest "incomprehensible Deep South accent" mumbling you'll ev

Winnie Cooper is all growed up and now a suburban mom who just can’t help herself when it comes to solving local crimes. The Wonder Years’ Danica McKellar is Maddie Monroe, a former newspaper reporter now raising her children in a deceptively bucolic neighborhood - but philandering, Mary Kay parties, and murder abound. And her very own husband could be a "person of interest.” Peanut Allergy Warning: this movie was prepared in a factory with various nut products.

A wealthy businessman discovers he has a brain tumor and seeks medical help. What should he do next? 1. Contact the Mayo Clinic? 2. Connect with family and friends? 3. Seek out a scientist who along with a lovelorn assistant is experimenting with transplanting monkey heads, then, fly to France to dig up the body of noted astrologer Nostradumas, cut off his head, put it in a carry-on bag and fly to London in hopes of having a full head graft? If you answered "Three!" and are wondering if insurance covers that sort of thing, this is the movie for you! Directed by Billy Wilder's brother and starring the head of Nostradamus, The Man Without A Body makes The Brain That Wouldn't Die seem like… um, well, a better movie.

A classic Romeo & Juliet situation that brings blandness to a whole new level! The Careless Years is the story of two high schoolers from opposite sides of “the track” who wash dishes together. Minutes later, they’re planning to elope, so they can have socially acceptable marital relations. Arthur Hiller’s directorial debut features Dean Stockwell, Barbara Billingsley, and little separate beds for the married parents.

Once upon a time, horror legend Boris Karloff hosted a supernatural anthology show that rightfully earned its place as a television classic. That show was called Thriller, and it ran from 1960 to 1962. You should check it out. Anyway, here are the final four episodes of The Veil, and the magic word is “problematic.” Gasp in astonishment at George Hamilton in brownface as a Hindu named Krishna! Grit your teeth in discomfort, as a series of real-life murders are recreated with little to no regard for historical accuracy! And for those of you who thrive on familiarity, there's the plot that makes up 90% of The Veil's episodes, with two different guys having two different (but at the same time, quite similar) visions of the future, or possibly the past. Maybe both, but definitely not the present. So brace yourselves for excitement – and for George Hamilton in brownface – as Ian and the other one pierce the veil one more time!

Lisa Monroe is a lady woman female cop who returns to the small town of her youth to take a job as a police detective. Just like Jessica Fletcher, people immediately start getting knocked off upon her arrival. All evidence points to the slimy, recently paroled townie who killed her best friend years ago and vowed revenge on those who testified against him. Featuring Scent of A Woman's Gabrielle Anwar, exciting shopping mall locales, and an old-school detective who pooh-poohs Lisa’s investigative abilities - and a shocking twist ending!

It’s the mid-aughts and ballroom dancing is all the rage. How will Maddie Monroe squeeze in lessons between her weekly newspaper column, her pilot hubby, and all the inspecting and momming? In this episode of the short-lived Inspector Mom series, it’s somewhat concerning that the neighborhood gals are getting kidnapped and held for ransom one by one. But when her bestie Sandra disappears, Katy, bar the door — our intrepid minivan driver and peanut butter monster is coming for ya.

Susan Lucci is the conniving and calculating Isabelle Collins, who cycles through husbands like tubes of lipstick. First, she manipulates her lover into offing her rich and handsome hubby (the rich and handsome John O’Hurley). Then, in her grief, she marries said lover, who is subsequently nailed for the murder. What’s a serial wife to do? Why, she beguiles the new husband’s lawyer into framing him for the crime. Then it’s off to a foreign country with her pre-teen daughter to heal from the Major Life Events!

Barbara Stanwyk is Kathy Ferguson, an ambitious, shoulder-padded dame of an advice columnist. Until a coupla dicks from the El Lay P.D. stop by the newspaper on a tip about a local murderess. Despite vowing never to marry, she falls in love with flatfoot Bill Doyle and moves to Angel Town, baby - but soon learns she ain’t cut out for the homemaker lifestyle. To keep busy between coffee klatches, she becomes obsessed with Bill’s career - even if it means bloodshed and hanky-panky for a coveted promotion.

It’s one suspicious death after another at Drearcliff House in remotest Scotland, where an odd fraternal organization, the “Good Comrades,” gathers yearly to do some comrading. Holmes and Watson arrive at the behest of an insurance agent who suspects someone is trying to collect on a huge life insurance policy on the seven men. The duo think it best to take up temporary residence at Drearcliff in hopes the killer will reveal himself. Despite the warm hospitality of the vivacious housekeeper Mrs. Monteith, three more suspicious deaths occur right under their noses.

Tom Stewart (Hollywood actor Richard Carlson originally from Minnesota - woohoo!) is a successful Jazz musician with a perky fiancee named Meg. A few days before their Cape Cod wedding, his ex-girlfriend Vi shows up wanting to reunite. Tom and Vi have an argument at the top of a lighthouse, during which Vi’s badonkadonk breaks the railing. She hangs on by one very strong arm, while Tom has an existential crisis. Eventually, he lets her plunge to her death. Vi becomes a vengeful ghost and starts haunting Tom, ruining couples' showers, walks on the beach, kid's magic shows, and eventually the wedding. Oh, spoiler alert: Tom ends up married — but, there's a macabre twist!

Don’t watch this movie unless you’re prepared to Rock Rock Rock! Considered an early jukebox musical, it features Chuck Berry, LaVern Baker, The Moonglows, The Flamingos, and Frankie Lymon & The Teenagers - all served up by disc jockey Alan Freed himself. And there’s a plot plot plot! Teen Dori simply must have a dress for the prom but what’s a girl to do when Daddy has cut off her allowance? If you’re able to catch your breath among the musical performances, heartache, labyrinthine financial machinations, and extortion, keep your eyes peeled for a young Valerie Harper.

Sherlock and Watson investigate a series of so-called "pajama suicides.” But Sherlock suspects a female villain as cunning as Moriarty and as venomous as a spider is actually murdering London's finest so she can cash in their term life insurance policies. Holmes fakes his own death, Watson stumbles, Mrs. Hudson worries. There’s murder, fly fishing, mailman humor, and plenty of fiduciary responsibilities! Will Sherlock squish The Spider Woman? or will she trap him in her web of deceit as she pours him tea?

On the lam after one of them kills a guy, brothers Jim and Chris are shipwrecked on an island and rescued by a mysterious village of gals galore! Chris falls in love with young Mahia, but island house mother Pua wants Chris and Jim gone ASAP. They try to escape - but they’re no match for Shark Reef! Is this Roger Corman nugget a hula dancing film with sharks, or a shark movie with hula? Scientists may never know the answer.

Are storm clouds gathering overhead in your late 1930s European home? Are you a useless arse who wants to make peasants dance in your bedroom (purely for research purposes), or a plucky gal embarking on a depressing bachelorette party before settling into loveless British marriage (in other words, a British marriage)? Perhaps you're keen to commit adultery somewhere the papers won't spot you, or maybe you just enjoy openly disparaging foreigners? Then why not come to moderately sunny Bandrika, famed for its bloody awful music, accents of all nations and magical vanishing ladies of a certain age? Yes, at last you have an opportunity to visit this beautiful country in the company of expert guides who are conversant in English spoken loudly - the Lingua Franca of anywhere they use stupid foreign words like "Lingua" and "Franca." Yes indeed — due to popular demand, Ian and Matthew are riffing something with even more impenetrable English accents! But that's not all, you lucky people! Th

Everybody gets a shot at sinning in this made-for-TV movie starring Susan Lucci. The Looch is art gallery owner Victoria Robeson, happily married to high powered lawyer Tim Matheson. That is, until she decides to sow some wild oats and hot dogs with sinister con man Michael Dudikoff. Her best friend, complicit in the deception, wakes up murdered one day, and Mr. Fling Guy is nowhere to be found. Victoria must ‘fess up to the hubby and the cops in order to find the killer, and it turns out, everybody’s got secrets. Bring ketchup!

It’s not Christmas until a banker shows up at your door to foreclose on your house! Homespun widow Julia Stonecypher has just lost her job when yuppie moneylender Brian Harding arrives in a blinding snowstorm to deliver the bad news. The weather traps him, and he’s forced to accept her hostile hospitality. Their mutual loathing turns to mild non-annoyance, and then some kissing. Starring Olivia Newton-John, Gregory Harrison, and ONJ’s real life daughter, this TV movie was watched by 25.5 million people when it first aired in 1994. Now it’s your turn!