RiffTrax

Jaws 3 (2x22)

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Et Tu, 3-D? What was once a fairly harmless novelty now seems to have taken over multiplexes across the country. Flying houses, animated dragons, Ga’hool Owls and unleashed Krakens are spilling off the screen, fatiguing our eyes and migraining our headaches. Waaaay back in 1983, audiences experienced a whole new kind of headache with the third installment in the should-never-have-been-a-franchise Jaws film series, in which a baby shark and its pissed-off momma spend more than one afternoon in SeaWorld and thus start eating people (I think we can all relate). If the effects department can’t stop them (and they try), then Dennis “Crap…I’m in this?” Quaid, Lea “Thank goodness Back to the Future is just around the corner” Thompson, and Louis “I JUST won an Oscar and chose to do this next” Gossett, Jr. will. And, yes, it’s all in eye-poppin’ THHHHHREEEEEEE DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD! Except…that it’s not. Not on your home DVD. But shhhhhhhhhh…it still thinks it is! Waiting ‘til it’s safe to go back in the water are frequent RiffTrax Presenters Cole Stratton and Janet Varney, who are going to need a much bigger boat to get through this not-so-great-great-white-flick that makes them long for the days of shirtless Patrick Swayze and dancin’ Kevin Bacon.