RiffTrax

Horror Express (2x27)

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The Deadly Mantis showed us that the life of a palaeontologist is one of intrigue, romance, and unstoppable monsters. Horror Express does nothing to dispel this notion, so that presumably means it can only be true. Here, Christopher Lee plays Professor Alexander Saxton who, never having been told by his mother that he shouldn’t play with dead things, unearths a frozen ape man in Manchuria because…well, what else is there to do in Manchuria? En route to Moscow by train, the ape man comes back to life, and starts killing off passengers, all the while whistling a haunting tune, in spite of the fact that he doesn’t have any lips. Oh, and Peter Cushing is on the train, too. And Telly Savalas shows up, presumably in order to pay off a gambling debt. Nowadays, there are really only two things to be concerned about when traveling by train: lateness, and sitting too close to the stubbly guy who smells like urine and crazy. Compare that with two movie legends, a homicidal caveman and a bat-poopy insane Telly Savalas, and you'll see that the Horror Express is a ninety-minute ride not to be missed.