With Spoony still missing, Doctor Insano takes over the show to talk about a particularly deceptive sci-fi/fantasy disaster.

Know that Britannia is about to enter a new age of enlightenment…

Reb and Lou Ferrigno form the world’s most devastating and beefy tag team in cinema history as they’re pulled into the bloody world of underground mixed martial arts cage fighting, run by the nefarious Mr. Takagi.

Mr. Takagi returns to enact his vengeance on Reb Brown and Lou Ferrigno in this action-packed, bone-breaking sequel!

Peter Fonda hires Reb and Super Fly’s Ron O’Neal to put down a tribal insurgency in a remote African nation. Will Reb get into the spirit of Black History month and stick up for his brother man?

I don’t exactly get the rock-star welcome I kinda deserve upon this return to Britannia.

It’s basically the same game, but there’s something about it that really makes me lose my head. Follow-up: I’m already seeing comments that I was unfair in not mentioning the other stages of this game, which are accessed by the Guardian’s teleportation gem at the bottom of the sewer. Through this, you access a number of other worlds the Guardian has already conquered. Yes, these stages add a lot more variety to the game’s look and feel, and there are many other monsters than common vermin once you leave the sewer. I’m just relating my experience playing the game, the extreme difficulty I had getting started, and my dismay at the story’s weak setup and the prolonged sewer level. Oh, I’m being completely unfair to the game, but it’s not like the game wasn’t being unfair to me with those fricking Gazers, and unarmed rogues who were invulnerable to battle axes. Before anyone starts bitching at me, I just want you to take another look at that goddamn albino rat ripping my face off. Yeah. I’m the Avatar. Almost everyone who plays this game agrees that (a) I stink at the game, and (b) the headless monsters are meant to be bypassed at first and killed when you’re a stronger level. Okay, fine, that’d be great if they weren’t in the very first rooms you encounter and, since you’re playing the goddamn AVATAR, your ability to kill even simple minions is on par with that of Eddie Deezen. If it was a monster I didn’t easily slaughter in every previous incarnation of the Ultima games, I might have better understood the need to gain more levels. But as it stands, I think you’ll understand my horror and confusion at the AVATAR being unable to kill a stinking minion in one-on-one combat.

In preparation for Beastmaster 2 (a much worse movie) we first have to talk about the original classic!

The world of Arok is conquered by a bulging idiot who discovers a portal to our dimension and a weapon of unlimited power! Will the Beastmaster be able to stop the maximum ruler of Arok from conquering Earth as well?

It’s Magick! We don’t have to explain anything.

The Avatar attempts to balance Order and Chaos before the conflict rends reality asunder. But the Guardian and Batlin have other plans… And Iolo becomes Dr. Insano.

Reb Brown loses his mind in this WW2 docudrama about the Brownout Strangler!

What can I do for you, except review another Final Fantasy atrocity? It’s the much-maligned sequel to a game I already hate! How much worse could it be? Follow-up: In hindsight, “predictable” wasn’t the word I should have chosen in describing the series– although the spinoff games outside of the main series definitely were. I honestly regret my choice of words there. Predictable? No. Reinvention has become something of a series trademark, actually. Just look at the changes between 7, 8, 9, and 10. The settings certainly are unconventional. If I could go back I’d probably revise that speech to explain myself a bit better. Perhaps it’s more correct to say that the series needed something new to correct its downward slide ever since FF7. Since then, the series has seemed strangely unfocused and uncertain what it really wants to be. Poor storytelling has really crippled the series with 8, 10, 10-2, 12, 13– each seeming to demonstrate a growing lack of understanding of narrative structure, or who should even be considered the protagonist of the story– be it Tidus insisting “this is my story,” or Vaan being cast as the hero of 12. This is more what I meant in terms of “predictability,” as in, “predictably awful writing,” but again, a very poor choice of words.

Our plucky heroines trot around the world so they can murder several women to steal their clothes, because those darn spheres are worth the effort!

We kick off a month of movies based on tournament fighting games with Tekken: The Motion Picture! Tekken is the key to life!

Spoony and Film Brain team up to fight the live-action adaptation of Tekken!

Prepare for a journey into a computerized alternate dimensional realm of imagination…type…thing, as the nefarious Rugal attempts to free a mystic dragon demon to gain unlimited power, or maybe not. It’s all a bit vague.

It’s a disorienting blitz of babes, boobs, and brawls in the most nonsensical tournament fighter movie of them all, DOA!

Spoony returns after a long absence to confront the last of his Dungeons & Dragons demons in the form of Skullduggery! Like Mazes & Monsters, it’s a far-out game.