Chef Gordon Ramsay pays an unexpected visit to the show to drag me into Hell’s Kitchen. Not the TV show, his crappy PC game. Whose cuisine will reign supreme?

Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! Welcome to the long-awaited resurrection of my review of Final Fantasy VIII: the game that has plagued my existence for years.

My contribution to That Guy With the Glasses’ donation drive was a special entry of FMV Hell where I take on the dreaded Borg menace along with the omnipotent Q! How many stupid ways can I find to die in the future? Is there a cure for transporter psychosis? Does Q have testicles? Find out!

In this episode, we serve a high-risk warrant to a suspected kidnapper, murderer, and rapist who still lives with his mother. And let me tell ya, she’s one tough old bat!

Looks like the Triads are selling illegal firearms, so it’s time to shut ‘em down. Will it go down smooth, or will it end up like the beginning of Hard Boiled?

What? Why are you calling me? I don’t care that there’s a hostage situation at the Quik-Stop. I’m not even supposed to be here today!

There’s a gang war at the A-Bomb Club downtown. Let’s suit up and take ‘em down! Maybe we can pick up some hip, swingin’ hostage chicks while we’re there.

Some would-be car thieves are barricaded inside a body shop. Will these Pep Boys prove to be 2 Fast and 2 Furious for SWAT, or will they be gone in 60 seconds?

Disc 2 starts off inauspiciously as our heroes have been imprisoned by the nefarious Sorceress! What horrors await them at the not-so-tender mercies of Seifer and his electric bed? Is there any hope of rescue from this mobile, subterranean prison, or will its anti-magic field spell doom?

To understand why Final Fantasy VIII sucks so hard, you need to take a trip back to the past– 2000 years into the past, to be exact. But will we be able to get back to the future with our sanity intact? April Fool’s Edit: Okay, in case the joke was over your head, it was that I was doing an exaggerated, manic review of a classic, good game. I was parodying my own style in overanalyzing the plot of a game during a time when games basically had plots no more complex than “your girlfriend was punched in the stomach and kidnapped.” I’m a little surprised people weren’t able to pick up the extremely thickly-trawled layer of sarcasm over my usual tone of voice (“OOOOOOOH, that’ll pay the rent!”) and my rant about “what could possibly stop the lady made of fire who throws fire,” but I guess that’s the fun of April Fool’s, that some people will believe anything. This was essentially my way of doing a funny review of a good game, and seeing who would take the flamebait. The “Rise of Insano” sketch is a possible origin story, since the origins of Doctor Insano are shrouded in mystery and may never be truly known.

A botched bank robbery has several heavily-armed suspects holed up in a nearby office building known as the Red Library, which is likely to be a secret socialist software developer responsible for pushing Marxist dogma on our fresh-faced American youth! Needless to say, the pressure of the situation combined with the underlying communist menace has the entire team a bit on-edge. “You’re in my spot, sir.”

An undercover cop’s cover is blown while investigating a bookie operation, and it’s up to the stalwart defenders of peace and justice to rescue him before the UC sleeps with the fishes! The SWAT is going bust on these Mafia goons! How many tries will it take? Place your bets!

The planets are aligning, R’lyeh is in ascension, Halley’s comet is returning, and the Taronian Cult has gone stir crazy in preparation for the return of their unholy alien god emperor! They’re hoping to ring in the dawning of this new age with a titanic liquid fertilizer bomb that could destroy the entire block! Will SWAT be able to thwart these mad cultists’ plans, or will they be able to complete their dark summoning ritual? Why couldn’t they just make my job easier by going out Heaven’s Gate style?

A crew of highly-organized thieves have hit the Du Plessis Diamond Wholesalers, but they made the unwise move of bringing along Mr. Blonde. Civilians are dead, the escape plan went tits-up, and now they’re barricaded inside. Worst of all, they’re heavily-armed, armored, and prepared for a prolonged standoff, complete with gas masks! Can SWAT break the standoff and restore order? Someone call Michael Mann, there’s a movie in this!

The city is in chaos. A new drug lord has taken over, flooding the streets with Colombian cocaine. It’s not safe to set foot outside your door because of the roving gangs of lawless, heavily-armed, desperate criminals. Heck, it’s not even safe inside your door because of a sudden, cataclysmic plague of deadly, coked-up snakes infesting the city tenements! Only Harry Callahan can put an end to this crime wave. He’s officially off the case, but trust me, he’s had it with these motherf*cking snakes in this motherf*cking game.

The Ripper’s reign of terror begins, but it’s not your mama’s Ripper of Whitechapel. It’s the Ripper…OF THE FUTURE!

The Russian mob is dealing guns and illegal explosives, and the ATF is asleep at the wheel! It’s up to Lieutenant Spoony and his hardy crew of SWAT comrades to break some Eastern Promises and some Russkie skulls!

Beware! Next year a deadly cyboplasm virus will sweep the Earth and all of our planetary colonies, turning us all into violent, mindless superaliens! Only Ken, king of the Street Fighter circuit can leap between worlds and save us all! But who is the mastermind behind the cyboplasm, and what horrors will Dr. Insano unleash upon the galaxy when he steals it? PS: Suck it, Nerd! I was here first!

In this final part of the review, I attempt to defeat Final Fantasy VIII once and for all using all of my scientific knowledge to compress time. Witness as I bring about the end of an era in this explosive conclusion to my most epic and notorious review. Nothing will be the same again!

New house, new camera, same old Spoony! Well, a clone’s basically as good as the real thing, isn’t it? In this special two-part episode, we take a look at the phenomenon of Brucesploitation and one of its most tasteless examples: The Clones of Bruce Lee, a movie that not only dares to rip off Bruce Lee’s good name, but does it several times! The first part covers the Clone Bruce’s first mission: to infiltrate the crime syndicate of notorious gold smuggler Chi Lo by going undercover as a martial arts motion picture star. Think they can pull it off?

The Bruces’ second mission leads them into the clutches of the most brilliant, diabolical mastermind of SCIENCE to ever blight the earth: Dr. Nye. What super-weapons has he created? Will three Bruce Lees (and one Chuck Lee) be enough to end the Science Guy’s reign of terror? Find out!

A crazed militia seizes the top floors of a major hotel and plants explosives all over the place! It’s the SWAT team’s deadliest mission yet! Will Lieutenant Spoony be up to the challenge? Or did the title spoil it for you?

The investigation begins! Ace reporter Jake Quinlan starts out by checking out the police station for case reports on the Ripper case, but will Detective Magnotta hamper his efforts? Will Catherine recover from the Ripper’s attack? Will Marion be able to elude the Nazis and give the headpiece to the Staff of Ra to Indy? Find out! It’s un-fuckin’-believable!

Quinlan does some footwork around town, following Catherine’s tracks to the Virtual Library and Jimmie Walker’s “Smoke Shop.” But the star-studded celebrity parade continues as we also encounter 2-time Oscar nominee Burgess Meredith! And he’s mean!

Quinlan ransacks Burgess Meredith’s house for vacuum tubes, and begins the search for Joey Falconetti, the outlaw brain surgeon! Will he succeed, or will the appearance of the dreaded Cyber-Walken spell his doom?

Reb Brown, star of Space Mutiny and Yor, returns in his greasiest adventure yet! Can he and the elite BAM Squad survive the terror of the Robowar?

The earliest FMV games were played on your VCR, unearthed from the deepest, darkest blagole in the Netherworld. This Halloween, the Spoony One experiences his worst Nightmare!

It's time for Spoony's final showdown with the things that suck in the night!

Bolted doors and windows barred, Guard dogs prowling in the yard, Won’t protect you in your bed, Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead.

What will Quinlan and Falconetti find when they hack their computers into Catherine’s brain? Who will the Ripper rip next? Will Quinlan ever hit that huge funky leather jacket with some Febreeze?

The plot thickens and the puzzles cheapen!

Before Reb Brown became a B.A.M., he was an elite strike commando in ‘Nam! It’s another Bruno Mattei action extavaganza, and it rips off another action movie classic, so you know it has to be good!

Last year, the Ultimate Warrior did more than just steal Christmas, he raped it! Whatchagonna do, brother, when it’s Hulkamania’s turn to run wild on the holidays?

A hospital is under siege from a mysterious Asian wetwork team, and only SWAT has a chance to save their target, a South Korean diplomat, in time!