The Bald And The Beautiful

'Twas a dark, menacing Los Angeles winter's eve, with nary a soul walking the deserted streets of West Hollywood. A strong, dry Santa Ana wind blew down from the mountain passes to make one's skin itch and nerves curl. On nights like this, anything can happen. Even a sudden knock at the door of Kelly Mantle's palatial mansion as the clock strikes twelve. What is waiting on the other side? Why, it's Trixie the Cable Girl, wearing overalls and threatening to climb the gutters to sabotage your cable connection. If you don't check out Kelly's amazing new podcast "The Kelly Mantle Show" at: https://bit.ly/TheKellyMantleShow, don't be surprised if you're also visited by Trixie the Cable Girl at the stroke of midnight, for all that we see or seem is but a dream within a dream.

Our hearts go out to all those affected by the catastrophic wildfires in Los Angeles County. We hope that this week's episode, recorded in our car as we evacuated Hollywood due to the Sunset Fire, offers a brief respite from the ongoing devastation in Southern California.

All aboard! This year, book a tantalizing stay on The Queen Mary as you evacuate any one of Southern California’s various natural disasters. Our arousing accommodations await in your very own Self-Love-Stateroom, offering the perfect atmosphere for an auto-erotic experience while you watch KTLA’s 24-hour local news forecast. Self-Satisfaction is virtually guaranteed, with packages that include horny goat weed cocktails, personal massagers, perfumed body oils, and many other scintillating amenities to encourage extraordinarily loud climaxes that can easily be heard by your neighbors in the next room. Place self-love and self-care at the forefront of your magnificently masturbatory stay at The Queen Mary, with master rates starting at just $999.

It's that time of year yet again! Are you ready for the big sports game? If you have lots of manly men coming over to root for their favorite athletic team, you're gonna need quite the spread, Jack! Introducing scratch-cooked, ultra-fresh, hand-made hot loads made from quality ingredients and spices, crafted daily to nourish more than just the body, Deborah. Trixie and Katya's Bald 'n Fresh Hot Loads offers community-inspired dishes crafted with ingredients, flavors, and viscosities that we all love. Our freshly-delivered meals are perfect for now or later, lunch or dinner - so you can get a hot load whenever (and wherever) you want! Go team!

The opposing forces of the yin and the yang are alive and well in 2025: Blake Lively and Justin Baldoni; TikTok and the Absence of TikTok; Emilia Perez and Good Taste. With the dizzying start to the year that has many of us stress-eating Thin Mints and Taco Bell while practicing scream-therapy techniques into our pillows, we'd like to devote this week's episode to helping you cast off 2025's discordant yolk of asymmetry and find the true inner balance that was previously only achievable with vagina eggs and bee sting enemas. As living embodiments of the yin and the yang, Trixie and Katya subscribe to the theory that opposing forces can negate each other while simultaneously combining to form a new, more powerful entity that redefines what it means to be "c*nty." A "Megac*nt," if you will. This year, discover true inner balance through purposeful c*ntiness.

Do you ever glance over at your partner and feel like they're a million miles away, both physically and emotionally? While we all know that building a connection is hard work, it also requires vulnerability and a willingness to accept your partner as they truly are. But with your weekend already full of buying groceries for Jenny's scouting jamboree, carpooling to Michael's Taekwondo steamed vegetable social, and making sure little Damien stops pinching the dog's privates lest Spot rip his cherubic face off, you might be wondering how you’re supposed to carve out time in your schedule to work on relationship intimacy. We have two words for you: pillow talk. And Trixie has ten words to help start your pillow talk escapades.

I believe in one god, the Noodle Almighty, maker of marinara and meatballs, of all pasta visible and invisible, born of the semolina before all ages, fettuccine to fusilli, ravioli to rigatoni, bucatini to capellini, begotten, not overcooked, perfectly al dente, topped with parmesan for our salvation, he came down from heaven, and by the spirit of a stripper, touched his noodly appendage to her, thereby creating a beer volcano, in accordance with the scriptures. He ascended into heaven, and is seated at the right hand of the garlic knots. He will come again in glory, to judge the hungry and the full, and the unlimited breadsticks will have no end. I believe in the Divine Carbohydrate, the lord, the giver of life, who proceeds from tomatoes and garlic, who has spoken through the prophets. I believe in one holy book of tortellini. I look forward to the resurrection of the rotini, and the life of the almighty acini de pepe to come. Amen.

From the makers of The Fast and the Furioustest and 2 Fast 2 Fastiest comes the highest-octane installment of the hit movie franchise ever! When convicted felon and secret drag queen Jonathan "Turbo Titties" Callahan (Trixie Mattel) tries to start a new life on the south side of Milwaukee, his obsession with street racing sets him on a collision course with the head of the Wisconsin criminal underworld, Brian "Boo Boo Butterfinger" Baker (Katya Zamo). To survive an icy crash in his Dodge Intrepid during a blizzard race, Turbo Titties will have to master the art of peeing in a water bottle - a new style of racing where the drivers of tricked-out cars slide through hairpin turns, defying gravity and death for the ultimate golden release. With more mind-blowing stunts and heart-pounding racing sequences than ever, The Bald the Beautiful: Tokyo Drift puts you in the totally straight-man driver's seat with cars and guns and explosions and sh*t.

Blueberry season is on its way and this Summer, prepare for that special vacation to Disneyland by clearing out your tired old mocktail recipes, your social calendar, and your stomach contents! This week we're making our signature non-alcoholic weight-loss aperitif, "Katya's Berry Bad Decision". It's a refreshing, subtly sweet concoction filled to the brim with blueberries, mint, and regret; all mixed together to get you the Summer beach-bod of your dreams!

In a historical socio-political context, "appeasement" is defined as a diplomatic negotiation between parties where one party makes political, material, or territorial concessions to the other party (the aggressor) with the express intention of avoiding conflict. While we will never admit that the blue set exemplified anything but unadulterated aesthetic perfection, we grew tired of seeing you heathens leave copious numbers of comments calling the gorgeous shade of blue an ocular crime against humanity. Hence, we embarked on the path of least resistance and have chosen appeasement over conflict. Behold the flawless magnificence and timeless beauty of our new set. If we hear one word about this set. One word, people. ONE. WORD.

This Summer, visit beautiful Australia and experience Brisbane’s sights, sounds, and especially the smells! You can island-hop by helicopter, hike to hidden waterfalls, or relax at one of Brisbane's acclaimed new restaurants! Explore the city with your mate as you sip spritzes atop a rooftop bar, down pints at a craft brewery, or order cheeseburgers and fries with a side of automobile adhesive at Macca's! You definitely won't have memories that last a lifetime after you take a magical olfactory carpet ride on that chrome duster to a magical netherworld!

Dearest Trixie and Katya fans: it has come to our attention that ye, the huddled malodorous masses of the proletariat who worship at the altar of our eternal magnificence, have come to the falsely-held belief that encountering us in a public space grants you the privilege of speaking to us, thereby forcing us to acknowledge your meager existence. In many cases, the most squalid amongst you have risen to unbelievable heights of insolence and requested that we engage in the appallingly putrid act of taking a photograph with you. It is this transgressive act that has forced us to make the following public declaration: moving forward, we shall no longer tolerate such disgusting displays of impertinence, for we have ascended to a plane of existence that your feeble minds cannot even begin to comprehend. We have spoken. Let it be done. (PS - we actually really love you, and Katya specifically wants to thank you for tuning in so the ad revenue will grant her the ability to live her life.

Is your spouse sick of your night terrors involving narrow driveways and parallel parking? Does the thought of merging onto a freeway during rush hour make your perineum perspire? We here at The Bald Driving School are here to help. With dozens of days of driving experience, our two instructors will guide you through blinkers, beeps, blind spots, and barefoot driving techniques. The Bald Driving School: if you "Can't" drive, we'll teach you so you "Chaka Khan"!

In a world where Amish tradition meets secular temptation, six Amish youths will be tested like never before. Watch as these impressionable young adults from Lancaster County are thrown into the outside world where their innocence doesn't stand a chance. From the barn to the bar, this ain't your Uncle Jedediah's Rumspringa. This Summer, Tee-El-Cee Network presents a journey from farm to filth. Stop churning that butter and throw away that bonnet: it's Extreme Rumspringa! Sundays at 9, only on Tee-El-Cee.

As we enter the final lead-up to Easter Sunday, let us all reflect on the many blessings we have in our lives, including the magical marshmallow carbohydrate bombs: Peeps. This Lent, download CruciPeep from the App Store and join Peeps devotees from all across the globe in our special 2025 Bald & Beautiful CruciPeep Challenge! For the week leading up to Easter, make Peeps a part of every single meal while you pray to the nutritional gods of Red Dye #3, Carnauba Wax, and Potassium Sorbate. From Peepgels (Bagels with melted Peeps in place of cream cheese), to Peepuna Melts (Tuna Melts with melted Peeps in place of mayonnaise), to Peepzas (Pizzas topped with Cinnamon Churro-flavored Peeps), there's something for everyone this Lent! Join celebrities like Trixie Mattel, Katya Zamo, Gwen Stefani, and Starship Troopers' Casper Van Dien in prostrating yourself before the golden Peeps gods, lest we feel their sugary wrath!

Chunky or creamy, innie or outie, hot or cold, tall or short, spicy or mild, text or call, sweet or sour, clean or dirty, gentle or rough, baked or fried, wet or dry, pizza or pasta, confetti or glitter, loud or quiet, elbows or knees, sparkling or still! Whether life serves you lemons or lemonade, give yourself a kiss today, 'cuz honey you were born some way.

In the depths of the city of angels, where devilish sinners prance, There live two drag queens, luring innocent souls to Gomorrah with their twisted dance. With rainbow flags flying, amidst the woke chaos no one can hear, The cries of good 'ol Americans drowning their sorrows in watery domestic beer. But down in the South, where mint juleps flow like water and the bayou air is pure, The laws of the Crawdad and the Bible are the only cure. So put down that wig, makeup, and butt-plug, and travel with us to where cornfields sway, Escape the madness of the big city of L.A., and order a bowl of Crawfish Étouffée.

Greetings, you luminous kitchen sprites! Today, we’re embarking on a journey — not just of baking, but of awakening your lifestyle & fashion demon through the delicate magic of edible flowers. Because why just eat cake when you can also accessorize it? STEP 1: DON'T GET YOUR BEGONIAS IN A BUNCH To avoid a trip to the E.R., avoid begonias and instead find manufactured spiritual enlightenment with freshly-picked rose petals, pansies, or marigolds. STEP 2: CLEAN THOSE FILTHY FLOWERS Rinse your petals in a bowl of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo a Modigliani from a secret spring in France, which you can find on sale for $80,000 per bottle, as regular bottled water tastes of mediocrity. STEP 3: BAKE THAT CAKE, B**CH Today, we’re making our signature probiotic pistachio lavender cupcakes with 24-carat gold flakes, Bavarian yak yeast, and crushed rose petals. As you whip the batter, be sure to say a prayer to a deity of your choice...

From the new OUTtv series Wish You Were Queer, Michael Henry and Tim Murray regale Trixie and Katya with epic tales of suburban cruising permits, the epicurean superiority of Chili's, and a hook-up debate as old as time: to chomp or not to chomp. Don't miss the May 22nd premiere of Wish You Were Queer on OUTtv!

Do you love the idea of space travel, but hate the color blue and happen to be super gay? Introducing Pink Horizon! The universe’s first fabulously queer space exploration company. Final frontier? More like fierce frontier! Ooh there ain't no other way...to the cosmos, that is! Powered by science, pride, and just the right amount of interstellar trimix, we're gaying up the galaxy one phallus-shaped rocket at a time! Pink Horizon: to the Moon, the Goon, and beyond!

If you need answers about your past life, we're here to help. As we gaze into the swirling mists of the unknown, we're seeing you. Not "you," but rather a past you. You're wearing a funny hat and white stockings. You're Henry Picklethorpe Wigglesworth IV, the Viscount of Golden Balls, Oxfordshire. Your estate, Hairy-Knob-upon-Fanny-Bottom, was famous for its 27 chimneys, haunted marmalade cellar, and the location of the only documented UK marriage between a man and a swan. You routinely bathed in earl grey tea and while loathed by most of the village, you were beloved by the local cabbage farmers due to your penchant for drunken cabbage copulation in the town square. Your current life is still echoing with aristocratic absurdity, so go forth knowing that whatever happens to you in this life, it'll never be quite as embarrassing as humping a cabbage under a full moon after drinking three bottles of absinthe.

Lords, Ladies, and Theydies! By royal decree and under the ever-watchful eye of our potentate and monarch King Emmanuel Podcast IV, Esq. — prepare thyselves for a presence most prodigious and profound! Now entering the Bald & Beautiful Grand Hall of the Dolls...we present to you: the Duchess of Deadpan, the Empress of Eccentricities, the undisputed Queen of Comedy, KRISTEN SCHAAL!