All we know about this short is what it isn’t: it’s not Lauren Schwartzard’s New York Film Academy project. It’s not Kosovan director Samir Karahoda’s short about local architecture. And it’s not a short film by Canadian social media personality Inanna Sarkis. Don’t watch those. Watch this one. There are teens, bikes, pools and vague dilemmas. Join Bridget and Mary Jo and we’ll all try to figure it out together.

Don’t be fooled. “Beauty” is the red herring in this short about Racine, Wisconsin’s seamy underbelly. Yes, that Racine: S.C. Johnson Wax's headquarters and meddling mothers-in-law. WARNING: graphic depictions of insoluble non-glycerin substances.

If you can suspend disbelief enough to think that Phyllis Diller ever had a garage sale, then you’ll appreciate the practical tips and corny jokes in this how-to video from 1987. It also features Brandon Scott in his Golden Globe-nominated role of “The Nitpicker,'' which forever changed how hagglers were portrayed on screen. Eagle-eyed fans of second-hand merchandise instructional sales videos will also spot the incomparable work of Russ Vogel, best known for, according to the sole notation on his IMDB page, “his work on How to Have a Money-making Garage Sale.” Join Bridget and Mary Jo for this straight-to-video video - which you’ll probably be able to find at a garage sale near you!

There are two kinds of RiffTrax shorts. The first are the straightforward ones, the ones where they teach a grown man not to use poisonous snakes as suspenders or a sentient belt sander shows a girl the error of her ways. Then there’s the nutty ones. The ones where, say, a depressed kid drowns his teddy bear, a guy dropkicks a turtle, or parents sleep in separate beds because their kid is too big of a weiner. ALL of those things happen in Fears of Children! It tells the story of Paul, a boy whose general vibe is “shellshocked Urkel.” He’s terrified to do things most boys love, like “riding bikes”, “exploring caves” and “being in the same room as your father.” This of course produces some of the best Angry RiffTrax Parenting this side of David & Hazel. If you had a nickel for every laugh-out-loud moment in this short, you’d be able to afford all the roast beef you want. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Fears of Children.

Rain. Skin. Fabric. Peanut butter? Your guess is as good as ours! Bridget and Mary Jo try to figure it out together, and you’re invited!

When a family moves to greener pastures, it's up to one housemaid to bring the American dream to a screeching halt. Who is the mysterious Mrs. Swenson and why does she threaten to destroy a loving marriage and break up a happy family? All in the name of housework? There’s no way to prepare yourself for the shocking twist ending of this short. Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they Meet Mrs. Swenson!

Do you think it might be “groovy” or possibly even “outta sight” to try those funny cigarettes your friends have been smoking? As Tom learns the pros and cons of getting high, the police keep showing up, and whaddaya know, they’re always level-headed, helpful and cool! Meanwhile the potheads are selfish greedy jerks out to ruin Tom’s life. Maybe the police were the real “hep cats” all along? Like we said, it’s completely unbiased! It’s like Reefer Madness, if Reefer Madness put on a hippie wig and peace sign necklace and said “how do you do, fellow kids?” Stay safe out there, join Mike Kevin and Bill for Keep Off The Grass!

She’s a lady. He’s a rocket. Can they make it work even though they’re different molecular compounds? A talent scout whose name we never get and his pal Flash are in search of the All American Sweetheart. Thus begins the feeble narrative of this short film showcasing the 1952 line of Oldsmobiles. Ya know, the kind of promotional film automakers made until they figured it was cheaper and easier to have bikini-clad women at car shows. Anyhoodle - and for all you This Island Earth fanatics: if you’ve been wondering whatever happened to Joe Wilson, have we got a surprise for you!

The Talking Car is also slightly misnamed, because it features not one but SEVERAL talking cars. A little boy playing in the street is nearly hit by a car, and next thing you know another car sprouts some eyeballs and a mouth and starts talking to him. In fact, the boy finds himself in a cloudy nether world full of talking cars… so maybe that car really did hit him, after all? A dark potential interpretation the short leaves unexplored! Instead, the boy and his growly little dog get many lessons and scoldings from the talking cars up in the clouds, including a cranky old jalopy who must’ve had kids saying “Do I really want to drive? Or even be inside a car, ever again?” Join Mike, Kevin and Bill up in Weird Car Heaven for The Talking Car!

The title of the short is Rhythmic Ball Skills, I mean, what else do you need to know? It’s Rhythmic Ball Skills! Rhythmic Ball Skills is set in some kind of gym class purgatory nether realm. There, children are instructed by an offscreen presence to go through the motions of waving various balls around in what no reasonable person would call “exercise,” let alone “fun.” The short itself describes what the kids are doing as “activities for demonstration,” which is maybe the most Orwellian phrase you’ll find outside of 1984. When the ball skills are this rhythmic, you really don’t wanna miss out. Brace yourself for the demonstration of activities and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Rhythmic Ball Skills!

An amalgam of film footage in search of a narrative, The Box is a short film featuring a box in its breakout role as a box. You may never look at a square or rectangular container made from corrugated raw paper with a flat base and sides the same way again.

Is corn masks? The freaks at ACI Films return yet again with a twisted spin-off of the classic At Your Fingertips short. The parents have signed the waivers and headed to a bar, leaving their unfortunate kids to assemble “masks” out of various types of refuse. They’re potentially problematic, and definitely swarming with pests. One thing is for certain: nobody learned a damn thing the day this was shown in class. But it may have inspired a cult or two! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Masks of Grass.

His name is Manners in School, but you can call him Chalky. Chalky the chalk demon, that is, with a little stick figure body and a big round Charlie Brown head. Chalky is accidentally brought to life by Larry, a surly lad who has to stay after class and clean the chalkboards on account of his poor manners. From there it’s a battle of wills between Larry, a boy who talks like a 1930s gangster, and Chalky, an upsetting 2D lifeform who loves to shame children. Who will win? It’s impossible to say, but one thing’s for sure - Chalky and Coily the Spring Sprite come from the same dark hell-realm. Clap some erasers together and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Manners in School!

Sentient burlap sacks are running wild in our city streets, terrifying children and threatening to contain our yard waste! They dance, they ride horses, they generally just writhe in an unpleasant fashion. Meanwhile, they are pursued by their cruel master, a guy who could frankly use a bit of bag coverage himself. It’s possibly the most pointless short we’ve ever done, unless the point was to make you wonder what was in the bag, a shark or something? Originally debuted at RiffTrax Live: Summer Shorts Beach Party, please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for this studio version of The Baggs.

When You Grow Up is a deeply 70s look at what becoming an adult and having a job might look like for kids in the 70s, from the 70s. Did we mention the 70s? This short is about what happens when the kids from At Your Fingertips: Grasses have to put away childish things, take off their headdresses made of weeds, and face the harsh realities of joining the workforce. From factory work, to paperwork, to construction work, then back to factory work, the world is your oyster, kids! When You Grow Up might sound ominous and grim, but at least it isn’t If You Grow Up. Plan your future and what kind of sideburns you should grow with Mike, Kevin and Bill!

In a world increasingly devoid of inspiration, firefighters are true heroes. Selflessly entering burning buildings, putting themselves in harms way to the ravages of wildfire, getting the occasional cartoon cat out of a tree. They are such heroes they make Captain America look like a mere Hawkeye. So what this short puts forth is: A chimp can do their job. A chimp named Shorty. Just put him in a funny hat and let him rescue the old lady who’s screaming from a second floor window, the rest of us human firefighter have a poker game that needs our attention. Oh, and see if the chimp will pick up some Thai while he’s out! They say to never work with children or animals, but to always riff monkeys. So we did. Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Chimp the Fireman.

It’s a rainy day, and the humanoid Frances and her pet bunny Hopper have nothing to do. After ruling out a cross-country bank-robbing spree, remodeling the kitchen, and space exploration, the two get their crayons and start drawing. Will what she ends up drawing blow your mind - or will it be approximately ten minutes of aimless doodling narrated by a disinterested man? Find out as you hop along onto the latest short from Bridget and Mary Jo!

A pleasant family camping trip goes horribly awry when Dad gets didactic about the virtues of science. In this 1950s nuclear family, teenager Jack wants to go to the moon some day; sister Betty wants to get married someday. Dad brings the hammer down with some tough talk about how much they’ll need science in their lives - and lots of it!

The Magic Shop is almost definitely the only short we’ve ever riffed that was based on a story by H.G. Wells - though there are rumors his work was a major inspiration for Moose Baby. It’s a tale as old as time. A young boy pressures his dad to take him into a magic shop. The creepy magic shop owner pressures them to join him in the back room where the REAL magic happens... and for some reason they actually go. The dad is stressed out by how much everything costs, but you’ll be stressed out by the creepy gorilla-hippo hybrid creature that even Dr. Moreau found “a little upsetting.” And the “magic” only gets more unspeakable from there. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for the stone cold literary classic that is H.G. Wells’ The Magic Shop!

The title of our new short Basketball Is Fun comes off a little desperate. Basketball Is Fun! Everyone should hang out with Basketball! Basketball’s mom thinks Basketball is really cool, no matter what the kids at school say! But the title makes sense as a sales pitch when you realize this film was made roughly 10 minutes after the invention of basketball. On an endless field of black & white asphalt, young boys with letters on their jerseys instead of numbers try to understand wild new concepts like “passing.” The concept of “actually making a shot” apparently hadn’t arrived yet, though. Basically, these kids suck at basketball. Before man could run, he had to learn how to dribble. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill for a sports film from the dawn of time, Basketball Is Fun!

Long before Garfield gorged on lasagna, the Little King was feasting away and, presumably, hating Mondays. The Little King: Christmas Night is an animated short that allows the raw, unadulterated roundness of the king explode across the silver screen. He feels lonely at Christmas, so he picks up a couple of old-timey hobos and takes them back to his castle. There he feeds them (nice) and makes them take a bath with him (maybe not so nice?). What will happen to the Little King and the hobos when Santa arrives? A power struggle? Long underwear with butt-flaps? Unexpected tattoo reveals? One thing’s for sure: it’s never quite clear if the Little King is a child with a beard or just a deeply immature man. But he is fun in a weird, confusing kind of way. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill and help us try to make sense of The Little King: Christmas Night!

There’s a Jingle Bells music video that would be unimpressive even if you learned an ape had animated it. Then some toys come to life and bump into each other. And just when you think you couldn’t possibly take anymore Christmas cheer, there’s a short where a poorly animated guy goes into poorly animated space to get a poorly animated star for his Christmas tree, which is shockingly a lush, detailed animation, worthy of a Flemish master. We're just kidding - it’s poorly animated as well. Then, just because they’re sickos, the Canadians tie the whole thing together with a clown. There’s also a bit of trivia here that is one of the most shocking things in the history of RiffTrax, but you’ll have to watch the short all the way til the end to learn it. It would ruin the surprise to tell you before you’d experienced the magnificent lump of coal that is Christmas Cracker.

“Silent night, holy night…” Yes, you’ve probably heard the famous carol dozens of times in your life. And every time, you surely thought to yourself “What is the story of this Christmas carol? I must know!” No? No, not even once? Even now, you find yourself nodding off at the idea of learning where this Christmas carol came from? Well snap out of it, because Coronet Films is here to give you the origin story you never asked for! Join the live-action kids watching the weird cartoon and wondering “Is this really all we get for Christmas? Does dad hate us?” He might, but Mike Kevin and Bill don’t. All aboard the poorly animated sleigh to Toyland!

Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol opens on a family being bothered by carolers, ironically making the night less silent with their droning. From there a narrator whisks us off into history, specifically the tiny village of Oberndorf, Austria where the song was born. We don’t want to give away too many spoilers, but it involves a priest walking down a hill, a musician with the sideburns of a 60s country singer, and the true hero of the tale: a traveling organ-mender. Yes, somehow wandering remote European villages and asking if they had any organs to mend was once a job. Nowadays doing that would just get you dirty looks, and possibly arrested. We’ve had enough depictions of Batman and Spider-Man’s origin stories, it’s time to learn one that nobody else at the holiday party will know. Buckle up for the soothing ride of your life, join Mike Kevin and Bill for Silent Night: The Story of the Christmas Carol!