“Aspen and Volaré were introduced in 1975, but they should have been delayed a full six months. The company was hungry for cash, and this time Chrysler didn't honor the normal cycle of designing, testing, and building an automobile. The customers who bought Aspens and Volarés in 1975 were actually acting as Chrysler's development engineers. When these cars first came out, they were still in the development phase. “Looking back over the past twenty years or so, I can't think of any cars that cased more disappointment among customers than the Aspen and the Volaré. … But the Aspen and the Volaré simply weren't well-made. The engines would stall when you stepped on the gas. The brakes would fail. The hoods would fly open. Customers complained, and more than three and a half million cars were brought back to the dealers for free repairs – free to the customer, that is. Chrysler had to foot the bill.” ---Lee Iacocca, Iacocca: An Autobiography (pg. 160)

The Corvette C7 represents America's desire to be taken seriously in the eyes of Europe. This is nothing new. We've been doing it since Henry James Ex-Patted his way from coffee house to coffee house trying to capture the perfect Portrait of a Lady. The C7 goes off faster than I do when I refrain from TOUCHING MYSELF for a week. You can't see out the back because the ass of the car is higher than your head. Plus, this car is so hyped in every blog...so we'll see.

The BMW E30 is the prerequisite to "being a car guy" even more than the Mazda Miata MX5. The M42 engine was not put into E30 sedans until 1991, although it did exist in E30 318is coupes. It was in every E36, so in a lot of ways my E30 is sort of unique. This car is one of the few E30s to not have a sunroof. The point is most people weren't as cheap as the original owner who bought this car in 1991. In fact, This E30 only has one optional extra: a digital clock/temp gauge. That might have been standard in 1991. I'm not sure but it wasn't at the start of the E30. It is the cheapest E30 you could buy in 1991. The fact that it doesn't have a sunroof is sort of a subculture thing; I've heard them referred to as "slick tops". This E30 is untouched in terms of performance; as slow as BMW wanted it to be. Lots of E30s are slammed or track-day focused, but mine is stock as a rock. Still great to drive. Ask any E30 owner, maintenance is expensive and sucks. In a lot of ways, owning an E30 is like dating a super-expensive high-maintenance MILF who cheats on you and sometimes abuses you, but whom you live anyway.

The Chrysler Conquest is a grey import Mitsubishi Starion. This is a car in which you can transform yourself into that guy who tells the same story over and over at every party. "This is an American car right? Nope! Bet you thought it was! Nope! Let me tell you what it really is..." and then the girl you're talking to looks for a bass player to bang.

You ever been to Moab? You gotta take that Runner to Moab, man. Come on, you gotta get the rubber up on that slick rock over there! Sandstone! Petrified sand dunes! Black tracks as far as the eye can see! The rock is like sandpaper, and it grips the tires like a dick in a Chinese finger trap! You just don't know, man! YOU JUST DON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU'RE UP THERE.

I'm a male. I'm sorry. I want to have sex. I'm sorry. I find you attractive. I'm sorry. I drive a Subaru Forester. I sympathize with you. I'll pay for everything. I won't look at you. I will look you in the eyebrows. Look how I am behaving. See my hands? They're in my pockets. You had a bad day. I'm sorry. I know it's my fault. Everything is my fault. You are listening to member-supported Public Radio.

We revisit Bryce's Hyundai Veloster Turbo, now with a new tune and new supporting modifications. We take it on a drive around the Appalachian foothills of Pennsylvania.

What are we doing? This isn't a regular car. How can the beauty of an Aston Martin Vantage shine and dry my soggy feelings of unworthiness and envy?

My mistake. An I6 is smoother than a V6. Oops. If the Countryman is so British, the Jeep Wrangler is INSURMOUNTABLY American. It's hard not to want to dig into that V6, to take it through puddles and out into the city, out past DePaul University and its village of Big 10 transplants in yoga pants with bearded boyfriends who tweet out pictures of craft breweries. You want to just gun this thing, get the wind in your nostrils, to take in the smell of patchuli and scones and unauthorized snuggles.

The Honda Pilot is a box for Dad Jokes. I was cleaning the mirror and a dad walked by and said: "I want that so clean that I can see myself in it!" (Dad Joke provided by my good friend Tom). Also, hello to r/dadjokes!

Suzuki Hayabusa: For the straight man who lingers around a gay bar. He doesn't know why loiters by the door. Why does he do it every Saturday night? If asked why he is there, he responds with a rehearsed bellow: "If someone touches me, I'm gonna deck him!" But he doesn't leave. "This is MY neighborhood," he adds. He always wears his cleanest jeans.

This is the most dangerous car ever made and it is also a perfect expression of The Human Condition. We want to know where "The Limit" lies and damn self-preservation. This is the most dangerous car, because it is cheap, accessible, and exists in great numbers. This is opposed to a Porsche 911SC which is more dangerous in a mechanical sense but is not as accessible as the MR2.

The Honda S2000 is the Final Fantasy 6 of cars. The S2000 is the car you are to like if you want to be cool. Braggers like the S2000 because all the power lies at the top end where they never have to reach and face-facts. This car isn't as fast or powerful as everyone says it is.

The A4 is a gym teacher power-trip on wheels. You buy an A4 because you want a Subaru Outback but you don't want to look like you support organic sustainability.

This is a car for someone who wants a Hummer H2, but who also reads The Huffington Post, and folds the word "sustainability" into every conversation.

BMW out R1'ed the Yamaha R1. This BMW S1000RR is a machine for making your mother wring her hands. Look, it's a bike with the flick-ability of a 600cc with the power of a 1,000cc.

Here is the real video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vTHX... The Unites States never got the Civic Type-R. This is as close as we came. My name is Harold Slovinski. I'm on the road with this little number and, oh, erree, yea MY WIFE is at home with our buddy DAN. He's takein' good care of you don't you worry. I was in the hot tub with some gearheads and some breeews.

The Honda Civic Si is a nameplate dripping with pus and symbolism. This car has to win. This car must win because it's the Little Mac hero for all of us.

Hey HEAY we have a Cadillac CTS for our Noon-day, Lunch bunch, uppercut, with me: DJ Double Lunch! It's a car for your EX WIFE!