In this short film from the days of landlines, the great Jack Klugman does a lot of soul-searching about dialing long distance.

Scared of the dentist? Well, a hideous CLOWN should take care of that. Turns out the "this" in "Now I've got this to worry about" was gingivitis. There are two redeeming things about this short: 1) Nobody carves their initials into a young boy's fingernail, and 2) The clown does appear to be in quite a bit of pain.

o refresh you: it's all about lenses. And gangsters. And a mysterious villain named The Scorpion who wears a hood and also stole... a scorpion. But like, a statue of a scorpion. Which is also where the lenses came from. Billy Batson has a very high voice. So does his friend, Whitey. They all have fistfights and car chases, and just a general good time. Oh, and now and then some guy called Captain Marvel shows up. Last episode's big reveal: young Billy Batson hosts a major radio program. This episode? He's also suddenly a pilot. With his own plane. If only he had the ability to fly in some other way. Especially since there may or may not be a Time Bomb hidden on his plane.

A long long time ago before the invention of sweatpants by Thaddeus P.J. Comfy sparked a worldwide activewear revolution, the American woman was considered the best dressed and most dressed woman in the world.

It’s a big red flag for Nora when her boyfriend doesn’t order the Lobster Cantonese on their double-date with his brother and fiancée.

Medieval peasants had it pretty good. Bold trends in seneschal headwear. Exciting new plagues. Early retirement (due to death, caused by aforementioned plagues.) Plus, you were never more likely to encounter magic beans or wee little imps who would grant you wishes!

June 10 1967 – President Lyndon Johnson signs Proclamation 3700, designating "the week beginning June 11, 1967, as 'National Succeed With Brunettes Week' and directing 'the appropriate Military officials to begin training Naval personnel in appropriate dating techniques including, but not limited, to: Walking on sidewalks, putting on coats, ordering food, and shaking hands.'"

Gumby, everyone’s favorite malleable substance / god-king, is back in our first RiffTrax Gumby Double Feature.

We all know you can Shake Hands With Danger on a construction site. But did you know that bountiful opportunities to greet danger exist in the standard American office?* Deadly hazards lurk around every corner: cords to trip over, filing cabinets to get pinned under, and co-workers who insist on telling you about their fantasy football teams. And who better to teach us about these hazards than the U.S. Navy? It turns out that while the troops were off winning WW2, the Navy home office was full of people who needed helpful tips like “Actually, don’t slice your thumb off with the paper cutter!” Miss Dipple, Lockenbar, and Lumbering Louie are essentially the Jackass crew of the 1950s, injuring each other for our amusement. (Their antics came to an end after Lumbering Louie controversially stapled his sack to his thigh in front of the First Lady at the Eisenhower Inaugural Ball.) Uncle Sam wants you to lumber on down and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Safety in Offices! *You can get

In the fourth installment of The Adventures of Captain Marvel, we get plane crashes, kidnappings, and high speed chases. Remember, this is one guy’s quest to track down some lenses. Thankfully he’s not after something more interesting, like an atomic bomb or the Mona Lisa. Things could really get out of hand quickly! Billy Batson narrowly escapes a plane crash by remembering that he has insane super powers and doesn’t even need a plane to fly. This knowledge is somehow not enough to prevent him from getting tied up in the basement of a local antique shop soon thereafter. Evidently, The Scorpion didn’t have a lot of budget left for Plan B. Meanwhile, Betty is nearly taken out by a falling flower pot on her way to investigate an evil rental car agency. Just another day in the thrilling world of comic books! Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Death Takes the Wheel!

This educational short elucidates the fun and responsibility of urban pets, be they dogs, cats, birds, or rhinos. How deeply will rhinos factor into this short? You'll have to watch to find out! Learn the joys of pets, fun, and responsibility with Bridget and Mary Jo! Written by: Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl

Two children sit in an abstract shell of a house surrounded by mid-century modern details that would make HGTV swoon. They can’t stop talking about health and food groups - you know how kids are! And of course, the short reveals that the solution to all health problems is to eat more bread. White bread, cereal, more white bread: that’s the key to a healthy diet, kids! Might that have something to do with the fact this short was funded by the American Bakers Association? Nah, we’re probably just being cynical.

Why was such a thing produced? Were they focus grouping the two options in different test markets? Is “Moose Baby” some sort of horrible slur in non-English speaking markets? Were they blowing through absolute mounds of cocaine at the Moose Baby studios? No matter what, it’s an incredible historical oddity that fortunately found its way into the hands of the only group of people on the planet who would care about it. Thirteen years after we riffed that wet rat on stilts, Moose Baby, we’re riffing the same short but where the narrator says “Baby Moose” instead of “Moose Baby.” If that doesn’t sound like the greatest thing on Earth to you: A) What the hell are you still doing reading this? B) Please join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Tale of Baby Moose.

We’re living in the age of the Seneschal, baby! Seneschal T-shirts, Seneschal themed restaurants, and we recently learned that Seneschal was the number one baby name in 2022, regardless of gender. What is a Seneschal, and why is it so hard to spell? You can learn all about it with this newly recorded studio version of Life in a Medieval Town! But there’s more to the short than just the Seneschal - as if he wasn’t enough! The film gives us an exciting low-budget window into feudal society in Europe, and a real historical appreciation for how much life sucked back then. You want a new hat? Better bring your best cow to town! And don’t forget to pay the “bringing your cow into town” tax, or you’ll probably be executed. It was a simpler time, and a worse one. Unless you were the Seneschal, of course, then you were heaping green fabric on your head and living large! Pull up a milking stool, bleed yourself with leeches, and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Life in a Medieval Town!

The Scorpion’s goons have left Betty spiraling. Not spiraling in an emotional sense: literally spiraling down the parking ramp while passed out at the wheel. She’s unconscious, but still somehow guides the car to the bottom without crashing - a feat more impressive than anything Captain Marvel does. That being said, the marvelous Captain does eventually get around to showing up and helping out. Specifically, he helps out by casually murdering a guy who was no real threat, and just sort of annoyed him. Yes, they were still figuring out the whole “superhero” thing in those days, folks! Remember Chapter One, when the boy-turned-hero shot a bunch of guys in the back with a gatling gun? We sure do! Billy Batson becomes suspicious that the masked Scorpion might be one of the archaeologists he hangs out with – a reasonable suspicion, since they are the guiltiest-seeming group of men ever assembled. They scold Billy for his lack of faith, and next thing you know, he’s off to a showdown in a

Mad Libs? Some primitive 1950s version of A.I.? Perhaps they threw darts at a board covered in wholesome, bland words? We may never know, but rest assured after you watch the short you’ll say “Oh, I guess the title tracks… sort of? Hmm.” The “citizens” in question? 50s kids in striped shirts, slicked-back hairstyles, and frilly little dresses made from tablecloths. The “play”? All kinds of good clean moral fun, from roller skating to ping pong to baseball in the style of The Sandlot. And the “good”? Well, we’re still trying to find that part. Things really come to a head when this little gang of background characters from a Peanuts cartoon put on a play to raise money for the baseball team. The play’s theme is cowboys and Indians, of course, because it’s the 50s and nothing says “good citizenship” like violent struggle between settlers and indigenous peoples! Let’s riff shorts at play for good time happiness things, shall we? Grab a bowl of world salad and join Mike, Kevin and Bill

School Vandalism is from the 70s, when kids were wearing bell bottoms, feathering their hair, and just vandalizing the ever-loving heck out of their schools. The film follows four boys who decide to bust into school after hours on a whim. They don’t like the lunch lady, and that’s enough motivation for them! The vandalism they commit is… well, it’s pretty weak, really. They sort of mess up the cafeteria kitchen, and leave a stove on. But that’s enough to bring out the town’s entire police force and fire department to give these lads the public scolding of a lifetime! Death row penalties are strongly implied. Grab a handful of cherry bombs and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for School Vandalism!

The dimwit in question here is Jack, and you’re gonna watch him count to ten. You’re gonna watch him count to ten a whole bunch. Probably more than ten times, but we can’t be sure: the numbers that come after ten must be covered in another short. Jack is counting his army men, and we’ll consider it a success that he never gets one lodged up his nose. Then he moves on to counting real army men, and honestly, if Colonel Jessep had ordered a Code Red here, Tom Cruise probably would’ve just been like “Yep, kid had it coming.”

Where were you on November 12,1980? Were you highlighting shows that you wanted to watch in your TV Guide with a marker you took from your guidance counselor’s office? If so, this after-school special would have been of extra special interest, because it happens to star the very person whose photos covered your locker and Trapper Keeper. Wednesday, 4:30pm: “Jack Thinks Smoking Pot Is The Answer To All His Problems! Jack Melon is a good student, one of the best in class - but he's shy, has no friends, and can't talk to girls. Getting high makes Jack feel popular, but it also gets him into deep trouble. If you smoke pot, know somebody who does, or just want to understand what it's all about, don't miss this very important show. Stoned, Wednesday Afternoon at 4:30pm - starring Scott Baio of ‘Happy Days!’”

Little Jimmy is on a quest to discover how every animal on grandfather’s farm fits into their own little capitalist artifice. Eat your heart out, George Orwell! Cows are there to provide food. Chickens? Also food. Sheep? Clothing and food. Mink? Just clothing! Good for those lucky, lucky minks! Will more animals and their vocations be discussed at arduous length? You’ll have to tune in to find out. Join Bridget and Mary Jo as they look for a job down on the farm to learn How Animals Help Us!

By middle school, they’ve basically stopped asking questions. Around this time, the article points out, student motivation and engagement plummets. In our opinion this is great news for adults who can finally get something done because they aren't being bothered all the time with questions that could be easily Googled. This cautionary short film dramatizes actual situations in which youngsters ask questions about cats, cops, plants and death. You can really mess up a kid if you answer incorrectly, so pay attention along with Bridget and Mary Jo as they Answer The Child's Why.

Yes, words can be tricky, as the young star of our new short learns. Jerry buys some binoculars out of the back of a comic book, somehow resisting the allure of X-Ray Specs and Sea Monkeys. This is a good thing—Jerry seems like the kind of kid who would have definitely drank the Sea Monkeys and possibly tried to eat the Specs. The binoculars are advertised as “powerful”, and Jerry, who thought he would be able to gaze at neighboring planets with them, is disappointed. Evidently the lesson is, “Yes, words can fool you, if you’re as big a dope as Jerry.”

Unlike most educational shorts from the 50s, Don’t Be Afraid centers on the terror of being alive. Buckle up for the existential dread of simply being Billy, kids! Billy’s afraid of everything, and his mom’s not afraid to shame him for it. Things in the closet, warm stoves, climbable gutters, friendly school janitors - they all chill young Billy to his core. Mom tries to help Billy by pointing out that other kids are afraid of things, too, like dogs and bringing home bad report cards to judgmental parents. But those kids are wrong to be afraid, Mom says. The world is full of scary things, Billy, and everyone is afraid, but you shouldn’t be, because being afraid is wrong. Get it, Billy? Do you feel better now, Billy?? Suffer the icy fear of a 1950s childhood and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Don’t Be Afraid… if you’ve got the guts!

Specifically the Lens of Death, like when a soft contact rolls back behind your eye and you can’t get it and it’s driving you crazy and you just want to die. Or, perhaps more accurately, a lens-based scorpion contraption stolen from an ancient tomb way back in the first episode that can be used to melt mountains, trapping Captain Marvel in a gooey lava inferno. Both lenses are equally terrifying! But the real star of this episode isn’t the lens, or even Captain Marvel: it’s a butler. An anonymous, library defending butler who takes on all comers and kicks an extraordinary amount of gangster butt. We’re not kidding, the episode absolutely should’ve been called Butler of Death. Join Mike, Kevin, Bill, Captain Marvel, and the world’s most savage butler for Adventures of Captain Marvel Chapter 6: Lens of Death!

It’s the late 70s and Ebenezer Scrooge is mired in a deep malaise. Not about Christmas: his coworkers are begging him to join their carpool. Usually Scrooge is an unsympathetic character, but him not wanting to jam into a van full of chattering accountants before he’s even had his first cup of coffee is one of the most relatable things in the RiffTrax library. Scrooge needs to be taught a lesson about conserving fuel, and it was either “be visited by three spirits” or “be forced to watch a beige educational film.” You know the drill: Marley’s chains, Fezziwig, “Boy, what day is it?", etc. But no other adaptation has been bold enough to show a televised Jimmy Carter speech smack dab in the middle of the story! Too bad, that really would have been a bold choice for The Muppet Christmas Carol… As Ol’ Charlie Dick himself said, there is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor (this was the first quote on Goodreads, we didn’t even have to scroll!) so ple

The Christmas Spirit is set some time in The Past, an ambiguous era full of prairie dresses, wool caps, and men wearing wide ties too short to reach their belly buttons. The story centers on two young brothers obsessed with ponies - it’s boys who famously adore ponies, right? - and the gruff old man they rent the ponies from. Turns out the gruff old man is gruff because his son died. Bet you feel bad about judging him for his gruffness now, don’t you? Well you should! The great drama of the short is that the older boy may have to settle for a slightly inferior pony to the pony he really wants for Christmas. Can you imagine anything sadder?? Trust us, the gruff old man can. And so can his eyebrows. Join Mike, Kevin and Bill and spend a little time in the disturbing Norman Rockwell painting that is The Christmas Spirit!

Does this have anything to do with the fact that Daddy’s been getting out of bed around 11AM these days, unshaven and mumbling about how he’s gonna “show them all” as soon as the dog track lifts his lifetime ban? Who’s to say! The kids surprisingly take this in stride, probably because they know if they throw a fit it’s going to wake Daddy, and he’s been in such a bad mood ever since he stopped going into the office after that nice policeman brought him home that one day. They decide to turn the tables and give Santa a present this year. The viewer is left to wonder which will be worse: Santa’s crumpled, half-scratched lotto tickets, or their handmade “coupon book” you can redeem for things kids should be doing anyway like cleaning their room or eating their vegetables. Do they end up learning the true meaning of Christmas? Does Santa’s luck take a turn for the better? Is a puppy humiliated? Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for A Present for Santa Claus and find out!

Was he a plumber who climbed ladders to fight an ape? Was he pro wrestler Captain Lou Albano? Was he Bob Hoskins going up against a spiky-haired Dennis Hopper in an industrial dystopia? And again, the plumbing, how much was that a part of his deal? The animated Christmas adventure Koopa Klaus answers none of these questions, and raises several more. Koopa, who you may know better as Bowser, has a plan to freeze Santa’s workshop in the North Pole so he can’t deliver toys. Why would freezing the North Pole be a problem, when it’s pretty famously a cold place already? No clue. How long has Santa Claus existed in the Mushroom Kingdom, let alone the faith upon which Christmas is based? Hard to say. Does Mario use a plumber’s snake as a weapon at some point in the episode? Yes, yes he does. Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toad find themselves coincidentally in the North Pole as well, thanks to a “wrong turn” underground on the way to Hawai'iland. If you’re gonna steal, you might as well

In search of just the right Christmas tree to soothe their mother’s aching heart, three seemingly wholesome Canadian siblings go all “daring heist” and filch a fir tree from a crabby neighbor. Come Christmas Day, they set out to right the wrong, and give Old Man Neighbor Guy all the gifts they didn’t want.

When park ranger Uncle Hal (voiced by Hal Smith, Otis on Andy Griffith) tells bear cubs Chinook and Nikomy about Christmas they decide to skip hibernation and stay awake several months to meet Santa Claus. This makes Nana, their mother, (voiced by Jean Vander Pyl aka Wilma Flintstone) very annoyed and so she goes to yell at the ranger but ends up hatching a plan involving a fake Santa. A blizzard… oh wait, before the story even starts there's a live action part with Uncle Hal (not played by Hal Smith, Otis on Andy Griffith) who takes his nieces and nephews to a porpoise show at Ocean World, which is part of Pirates World in Florida. The nieces and nephews ask him to tell them a Christmas story which turns into the animated part and, um, oh just watch it so you can be as confused/enchanted as we are!

True to the original, The Little Match Girl is a heartwarming Christmas story of one child’s brutal struggle for survival against impossible odds. Ho ho ho! Enjoy a warm mug of cocoa while this penniless orphan dreams of an extravagant gift, like a crust of bread or a leather shoe to boil. But don’t worry, it all turns around when Santa appears to show the girl bizarre magical visions of dancing snowmen and toys and family members who are long gone and… oh no. Oh dear. This thing isn’t going in a Zindy the Swamp Boy direction, is it? Please open your heart and spare some pennies for The Little Match Girl, she ain’t doing so good!

Hansel and Gretel, the beloved fairy tale of neglect, torture, and murder, is finally a film the entire family can enjoy! Because everything with these old shorts has to be needlessly weird, Hansel and Gretel are played by two adults in their late twenties instead of grade school children. The effect is quite creepy, which is ends up feeling rather appropriate, given all the aforementioned neglect, torture, and murder!