Wheelhaus

PARENTAL ADVISORY: do not allow your children to watch this episode of Wheelhaus if you or your family is offended by the following: Comedy The rest of you can watch.

We're dicks out in space We're zooming around Farting all over the place We're dicks out in space If asteroids appear We give 'em a merry chase When pirates attack us We call up T-Max He'll shoot 'em right back in the face We're dicks out in space We're zooming around Farting all over the place

Ah, drift it Ah, drift it Ooh baby baby, oooh baby baby Ooh baby baby, oooh baby baby Ow Baby! Bruce and Adam's here Now wait a minute, y'all This game ain't for everyone Only the Funhaus people So all you Fun mothers, get on out there and drift DRIFT, I said! Bruce and Adam's here, and we're here with James Want you to play it, babe Playing by day then at night, playing lots of games C'mon bros, let's go show the subs that we know How to become number one in a hot Wheelhaus show Now drift it Ah, drift it - drift it good Ah, drift it - drift it real good Ah, drift it - drift it good Ah, drift it - drift it real good

Yesterday was Dogi-Style. Today is Gun-Dumb Style. It looks like we're getting lazy with our titles, doesn't it? I was a little worried about that. After a year here at Funhaus, and many, MANY years on YouTube previously, our well is starting to run dry. There are only so many exploitative titles. Only so many self-depreciating jokes. Only so puns you can come up with.....wait a minute... I've got it! We'll hire Barbara as our Official Video Titlesmith! It's the job she was born to do! My work here is done; I quit!

In order to train your dragon, first I'm going to have to tell you how to make a dragon. When a mommy dragon and a daddy dragon love each other very, very much, the daddy dragon and mommy dragon wish as hard as they can, for at least 6 minutes, with Barry White playing on Spotify, until the daddy dragon spums on the mommy dragons tummy. Then the Magical Love Dragonfairy makes circles and stars with the spum, and then a dragon's egg pops out of mommy's treasure basket. Then, after 9 months, the egg hatches and a baby dragon is born! That's when you, the viking, come in with a muzzle and a choke collar and a harness and tie that bitch dragon up. You tie him up! And you make that dragon yours. You don't let that dragon baby talk back to you, you're the fucking dragonmaster! Yeah. That's how you train a goddamn dragon.

Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, spinning around Playing the games it randomly found Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, chooses crap games Makes it frustrating for Bruce, Adam James Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, spinning around Grandpa takes grandgirl and gives her a pound Wheelhaus, wheelhaus, I wanna quit Each game we play is covered in shit

The guys get angry and a little racist right out of the gate this time, setting the stage for a cut-filled episode of Wheelhaus. Apples are eaten, Dark Invader fights a zomboid, and Sam Neill finally gets his due. None of this, however, can prepare you for the dice-rolling, box-clicking majesty of Steve Jackson Starship Traveller and his cartoonishly disabled captain. (R.I.P. Engineering Officer Big Tits)

Cr1tikal joins in to patch up and train dolphins, help Taylor Swift act out petty revenge fantasies, and throw Thor off of a cliff. Flash games are weird.

Bruce’s hallmarks of a classic indie game: 1. Collect stuff 2. Avoid obstacles 3. Cool music 4. Make Bruce want to smash his monitor to bits with a pool cue.

Z-Heavy stared down at the smoldering ruin that was his hand-held comp-u-panel. He had barely had time to de-jack from the sub-frame before it tanked. Shutting down Krono-tek's exo-terran missile web would be near impossible now. Back-hackers. Why did it have to be back-hackers? Hash Dodec will pay for this betrayal, thought Z, If I ever find the location of her secret moon-base.

XVIII: The blade hummed and shivered less than a finger-width from the strange man’s face. No matter how hard he struggled, Farinfoor could not persuade the axe to move. Suddenly, the man’s chantings ceased and his eyes shot open. A knowing, satisfied grin spread across his face. He casually placed his small hand on Farinfoor’s chest and pushed, propelling the confused warrior backwards across the room into the callous stone of the wall behind him.

It's really sad how little we know about the female reproductive system in light of how much we do know about arcane Sonic mythology.

What the hell are you talking about?! There is no way that "Mission to Mars" is better than "Red Planet"! C'mon! Coked-up Tom Sizemore running from space bugs with Val Kilmer and The Mentalist! Plus a killer leopard robot and General #&@%ing Zod! You're high.

Honestly, I don't even remember which games they played this week. I was completely mesmerized by James' sweet pecs the entire time. We was simply poured into that 4-buttoned long sleeve whatever.