The Cave (2019)

Welcome to Season 3 everyone. It feels so good to be back here in the YouTube description of The Cave. This past year was hard on all of us, and we at DOTS hope to provide a sanctuary from the devastating and overwhelming outside world. The Cave—at its best—aims to be a microcosm of what could be. A place without super spreader disease events, without perpetual war, invulnerable to the climate catastrophe all around us. In the Greek philosopher Plato’s seminal work, Republic, the famous allegory of the cave describes a group of people staring at a wall. These cave dwellers concern themselves with nothing except what’s inside the cave and what’s projected onto that wall. As objects pass through the light of a fire, shadows form on the wall and create their reality. They never leave the cave to find out what lies beyond, nor to realize that the shadows on the wall are not reality but merely a consequence of a larger reality. Philosophers of their time celebrated themselves for reaching out toward the sun, but maybe the cave dwellers were right to stick to what they knew, watching shadow puppets on the wall and chilling by the fire. That sounds better than most outdoor activities. What does this all mean? I don’t know, I don’t even think people read this far into the descriptions. You should be watching the video instead of scrolling this far down, truly. It’s Isaiah Rashad, arguably (actually, there is no argument) the most anticipated guest of this show’s history.

Cave Season 3, Episode 2. Back at it with ¼ Italian Mac DeMarco. We went for sort of a Godfather pt. II theme with this one. The cigar smoke wafted us into an osteria with every pasta shape you could imagine. Fusilli. Orecchiette. Tagliatelle. You name it. The music just developed organically from there. At some point in this video you may wonder: what the fuck am I watching? That’s a great question and I’m so glad you asked. But I don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I’m scared. I’m scared because for the first time, my anonymous identity as YouTube description author was almost compromised in this episode. I might as well get ahead of it so yes, I confess: I’ve been living in the attic of The Cave now for several months unbeknownst to Kenny or any of the show’s guests. I don’t take up much space, nor do I make much of a mess up there, so I don’t see why it’s such a big deal. I make my little meals every day, blow big gas (second hand from downstairs mostly), and I spend weeks at a time writing these YouTube descriptions. It’s my only creative outlet and it’s sacred to me. Rent in Los Angeles is steep as ever, and DOTS only pays me 15k per description. I need to cut costs somewhere.

Welcome back to the Cave. I’ve been living in the attic of Kenny’s studio now for several months. I think this is week 15. It’s hard to tell at this point. The days are running together. I’ve been surviving off Yerba Mate and Wingstop leftovers that I occasionally find on the studio floor at night. I feel like the SoundCloud Fantastic Mr. Fox. I make my moves swiftly and strategically, only when I know Kenny won’t be around to see. Sometimes I think he knows I’m up here and is just biding his time, waiting until the perfect moment to strike me with a vintage synthesizer. Occasionally, when he’s downstairs making beats at high volume, I’ll sing to myself or write little raps that no one will ever hear. I have this fantasy where one day I just go down there and he doesn’t trip or anything, just invites me into The Cave for a special guest episode. Oh wait, I think he just walked into the studio. I need to lie completely still. I don’t know if he can hear me typing this YouTube description. But this is my only remaining link to the outside world, and I’ll give it up over my dead body. Until next time my friends, please enjoy Episode 3 of this season, with our guest Kenny Mason.

It’s Day 112 of my self-imposed captivity in Kenny’s attic. I’ve started to become delirious, and I’ve lost at least 20 pounds. I haven’t found much to eat, so I’ve been subsisting mostly on wood shavings and insulation that I’ve been gathering from the inner walls of the space. One night, I got so hungry that I risked climbing down the ladder into the studio, hoping to find some kind of forgotten Postmates delivery, maybe a pizza crust. Unfortunately, when I reached the floor, I immediately cried out in anguish. I had stepped on a nail. I don’t know how it got there, but dislodging it from my foot was the most painful experience of my adult life. I had to think fast, because I was bleeding profusely and I was rapidly losing consciousness. I removed my beloved DOTS t-shirt and wrapped it around my wound, tightening it just in time. I hobbled my way back up the ladder and threw myself back down on my makeshift bed. And in that moment I wondered, was that a trap? Had Kenny intended for me, like a mouse in the night, to climb down those very steps and injure myself this way? Did he think it could stop me? I laughed to myself. It’s gonna take more than entry level Home Alone tactics to defeat me. All I know is this is an act of war, and I will have to respond appropriately. I cannot show weakness. I should have updates for you all next week. For now, please enjoy this episode of The Cave, starring the inimitable Teezo Touchdown.

I’ve been living in the attic of The Cave for as long as I can remember. It’s hard for me to picture life before. While harvesting my daily meal, wood shavings and insulation, I noticed what appeared to be a human-sized oval in the wall. There seemed to be no one else in this space, but there were lampposts glowing in the distance. Then, in the distance, I saw it. A red Tesla Model X. As I approached the vehicle I sensed something’s not right. I looked in the windows and there no was no one in there. Strange. Just as I started to panic, the wing doors of the Tesla lifted. With no other option in sight, I got in the passenger seat. The car started to move on its own. I’m typing to you now having been on this road for at least an hour. In the far distance I see a golden cityscape.Thats where this car is headed. Wish me luck everyone. I don’t know what the future ahead of me holds, but if you don’t hear from me in the next Cave YouTube video description, something terrible happened.

Day 209. Last time I wrote to you, I had just found a portal in the attic of The Cave and bravely stepped into a strange new world. For the last 55 days, a driverless Tesla has been transporting me down a long and winding road. The vehicle must be solar-powered because it hasn’t stopped once. To the left of the road is a vast expanse of solid blue landscape. To the right, a vast expanse of solid red landscape. What does it mean? I don’t know but I aim to discover the truth. I think I saw a moose with like 200 antlers one time but snow continues to fall in sheets so it’s hard to make out any details. The over-antlered mystical moose may have been a figment of my imagination or a dream. Within the first few hours on the road, I discovered a small space behind the backseats equipped with basic necessities. Food, water, a tiny but perfectly functional toilet with an equally tiny but tasteful bidet setup attached. After 154 days in Kenny’s attic, this all felt like the pinnacle of luxury. S

I followed the white cat, of course. It seemed to be taking me to the source of this deafening 808 sound in the distance. Sure enough, we ended up at the entrance to some kind of temple, an all interwoven blue and white ceramic structure. It was visibly shaking from the sound but I knew this was the place I needed to be. I stepped up to an entryway that seemed to beckon me. A massive door slid open and my cat friend did not hesitate. I joined the cat inside, where yet another doorway seemed to invite me in. There it was: an elevator in the middle of a wide open empty ballroom. I looked up but the column of the elevator seemed to stretch to an infinite height. I stepped inside and the cat jumped up on me as the door closed. At first I thought the cat might have been frightened, scratching at my back, but it simply wanted to climb up and sit on my shoulder. I petted it. We had become so close already. For some reason, I knew we could trust each other. Suddenly, I felt lightheaded. In

“I’m so sorry,” I blurted out. “For what?” said the 6’7” figure staring back at me. “Staying in the attic,” I said. “The hiding, the lying. Eating all of the insulation in the attic walls. I just really love The Cave YouTube series.” He blinked, then responded “Bro… what the fuck are you talking about?” I rushed to explain myself. “Kenny, I never meant to be there for that long, I just found a life in there that I never knew was possible.” He blinked again. “Who the fuck is Kenny?” he asked, genuinely confused. Now I was confused. “...Who are you?” I asked, dumbfounded. He leaned in toward me and smiled. “Have you ever prayed for inspiration?” “Yes.” “Well, I am the one you prayed to. Every artist that has ever made anything classic or iconic? I blessed them with that spark. Pablo Picasso. Leonardo Da Vinci. Tisakorean. They asked and I answered.” I couldn’t believe it. Standing before me was some kind of demigod. “Come with me,” he said. “Jump on my back.” “What?” I

Attic Chronicles 11/26/21...Last time I checked in with you guys, I was flying on the back of a Kenny Beats-esque demigod through the glass roof of the Temple of 808s. The following moments were definitely a blur, but when I found myself able to see again, we were overlooking this vast golden cityscape. From a bird’s eye view, I could see that the buildings were all arranged in a specific way. These massive shapes that on the ground appeared like skyscrapers, from up here looked like keys of a piano, alternating white and yellow gold. And they were moving as though some gigantic, invisible hand was playing them. Some keys would lower and others would rise back up, like a pneumatic player piano. I couldn’t make out the chords themselves, but it was advanced. Probably jazz. “What does it mean?” I asked the demigod. “It means it’s already written,” he replied. “I’m not sure I understand. What’s written?” “Everything.” “Who’s playing the keys?” “Exactly who you think.” If I was a

Attic Chronicles 12/10/21… Hello my readers. Where was I? Oh, right. So I had been flying on the back of the 808 demigod that looked like Kenny Beats with my cat on my shoulder and I had realized that the gigantic, bejeweled piano beneath me was actually the instrument of God and that God was invisibly playing out the time and space of our reality. I had decided in a blind rage to release my grip and drop down thousands of feet to my own death so that I could land on one of the piano keys and alter the nature of existence for all of posterity. As I tumbled through the air I wondered if perhaps I had made the wrong decision. I thought to myself, I must actually look stupid as fuck falling through the sky right now. I have no parachute, I’m just going to immediately explode on impact. But maybe that’s worth it? Probably not. God’s plan was actually going just fine so far. My life was pretty good when I think about it. Why couldn’t I just enjoy it? It was God’s plan, after all, that led m

“Yo.” A sharp pain in my back. “A-YO.” Another sharp pain. I open my eyes. I hear: “What the fuck are you doing here?” Standing above me is Kenny Beats. The surroundings become clear to me. I’m in the attic of The Cave. “Hello?” I muster. “Yo, I don’t know who you are,” he says. “But, you need to get the fuck out of my attic. I’m about to do the Toro Y Moi episode.” At once, it all becomes clear to me. I must have lost consciousness at some point, having eaten nothing but wall insulation for weeks on end. “Why is it so cold up here?” wonders Kenny. “I don’t know,” I say. “Well,” says Kenny. “Look, I’m too rich at this point to deal with you. Either you can step down that ladder or I can call my savages right now to remove you. And they won’t be as forgiving as me. Aris, Dylan, Dom… they actually like stomping people out. It’s what they do for fun outside of their day-to-day DOTS responsibilities.” I nod and begin my descent back down to civilization. Kenny steps down the l

Welcome back to The Cave. We’ve come such a long way you guys. Somehow we’ve made it to the finale of season 3. And who better to close it out than Griselda legend Benny The Butcher? It’s important to bring ourselves and everyone back to the classic Cave formula—no frills, a beat made in microwave time, and a rap verse worthy of a studio album. Thank you for joining us on this years-long journey, we hope we’ve brought you as much love and inspiration as you’ve brought us.