Idiot Detective

People's motives were always easier to read back in the 40's, at least that's what our Irish fathers would tell us. What do ye' mean we didn't have a father? What do ye' mean stop yelling drunkenly at this Chuck E Cheese?

This job gets a whole lot easier when you trust everything everyone tells you. The hardest part is ignoring all the signs: mouth gape, scratch and look down, and even the sassy eyebrow raise from the "I can't believe I'm getting away with this!" look.

The arid landscape of the Hollywoodland valleys boiled my skin, and made even my soul perspire. My pocket-watch clicked on without a single worry to the surrounding circumstances that carried its fate. I flipped it open with a gentle process, the sweat from my fingers threatening to betray me like the many women in my life prior, one hanging in the balance even now. Its dull and blank face read 10:02AM. I brought the device to my ear to hear the small mechanics moving better, but I already knew it wasn't broken and the time it held could only be the truth. I rose from the couch with groan, both in part from my aging body and the couch itself that rocked back and forth. How many times had I fallen asleep there, and would continue to do so? I pushed the thought from my head and replaced it with another dollop of grease for my hair and ran my fingers through it. The day outside was humid, and busy with people bustling around for the lunch rush. Nobody around could have guessed the terro

Q: Which is the coolest hat in the world: Fedoras, Homburgs, Pork Pies, or Trilbies? A: Trick question. Everyone knows the answer is a tie between Giant Foam Cowboy Hat and the "Who Farted" Golf Visor with Attached Ponytail.

Working in online media is nice because we get to avoid all those disgusting Hollywood casting couch situations. Sure, I DID jack off Harvey Weinstein on my first day at Funhaus but that was just a coincidence.

The rusty tire iron: 3rd most popular post-war bludgeoning weapon right after lawn jockeys and the hefty base of Mommy's amphetamine bottle.

My favorite St Patty's day tradition is going up to someone who isn't wearing green, asking if they think they're better than me, then beating them unconscious with brick. Maybe it's just a Boston thing.

"Well, we just defeated the Nazis and fought back a global tide of fascism. What should we do now?" "I dunno. You wanna fuck into existence the most self-involved generation in history then watch the world burn around our grandchildren?" "Sure. Lemme just nuke half of Japan real quick. I'll be there in a minute."

Extree! Extree! Body found in local park. Police conclude mouthy dame probably had it comin'! Idiot Detective on the case! Will not rest until every commie hobo gets treated to some chin music!

If "Short People" is just meant to be a satirical look at the absurdity of prejudice, then why do I have this crawlspace full of jockey skeletons?

If it weren't for Ronald Reagan swimming across the Bering Sea and personally banging the collectivist ideology out of every Soviet citizen, we'd all be slurping borsht right about now.

Jazz is just something lame that people pretend to enjoy because they think it'll make them look cool, like Wes Anderson movies or James Willems.

You'd probably murder a bunch of women too, if all you had to beat off to was your neighbor's brassieres hanging on a clothesline and one dogeared photo of Betty Grable in a one piece.

You think if we throw a monkey in the kitchen at In N Out we could actually get some half decent fries?

The term "Vice Squad" was coined by law enforcement in the late 1800s after they found that "Let's Criminalize Everything That Brings People the Slightest Amount of Joy in This Brief Yet Torturous Slog Called Life Squad" took up too much space on their paperwork.

I prefer to wear the same color skin suit every day, like Einstein. That way, instead of worrying about fashion I can devote all my brain power towards mimicking normal human emotion in public.

Of all the movies that feature Molly Shannon getting blasted in the face by an infected pimple, Osmosis Jones is easily in my top three.

It's always the little things that get you caught cheating, like late night texts, a crumpled hotel receipt, or that tiny smear of lipstick she finds on your taint.

Finally, a comedy channel with the courage to take on the fourth most popular band of the shortest musical trend of the last half decade of the twentieth century.

I really thought I'd make it through my entire life without ever having to imagine what a prolapsed urethra looks like. Funhaus, however, had other plans.

Some guys will try and tell you that sex doesn't feel the same when you wear a condom, but believe me It feels just as shameful and embarrassing no matter how many rubbers you slap on.

This case is truly the "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" of twelve year old sandbox games featuring insurance claims investigators.

Don't worry, fellas. Many women have told me that 3 inches is plenty, and that I shouldn't be embarrassed but should probably stop crying and that their Uber is waiting outside even though I didn't see them pick up their phone.

The conclusion of this twenty-something part saga has finally reached its conclusion.