Deadly Premonition

The Gang plays Deadly Premonition 2. Probably the most cursed game play the team has ever endured

Jacob's new favorite sexual position is called The Agent Cooper. That's when you have your partner put on a red suit and talk backwards while you finish yourself off onto a slice of pie.

Ryan's memory palace is a double wide trailer full of notes written on used Krystal Sackful boxes and old mannequin legs.

I never had braces when I was a kid. I was already a short, obese, swing dancer with a ponytail and bad skin. The orthodontist said if they were gonna give me braces they might as well save some money and buy me a length of rope and a rickety stool instead.

In Ryan's defense, it is super annoying when the TSA makes you remove the drawstring of your pants and the kleenex boxes you've been wearing since your shoes got caught in the gears of that tilt-a-whirl.

Motility classifications of sperm: Non-motile - No movement at all. Progressively motile - swim forward in an essentially straight line. Non-progressively motile - Swim in an abnormal path or tight circles. Hailey motile - Lose their way, are later found asleep on a discarded futon mattress two towns over.

How can Australian police ever figure out if someone was murdered when every biological obscenity on that charred hellscape of an island is constantly trying to kill you?

Being crowned "The Sexiest Man Alive" on a cruise ship is kinda like winning "Best Smelling Unicycle Seat" at Burning Man.

Once, a few years ago, Jacob's Magnum condom tore under the strain of his considerate yet determined lovemaking. Nine months later his girlfriend gave birth to a shrieking litter of Gundam models and gently used copy of Truce at Bakura.

This just in: Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law is now representing any and all child Bengals fans who bullied and/or asked "Whose house?!" during/after the events of Super Bowl LVI. If you or someone you love under 4'11 has suffered emotional distress following these events please contact the law office of Ryan Hailey 5% Irish Attorney At Law .

I once asked Ryan if he got his Covid vaccine and he kicked me in the dick so hard that I pooped a fully dewormed Clydesdale.

Look. I'm not say that Ryan's secret hidden room is filled with nothing but countless jars of backup seed. There's probably a few crumpled Filet-o-Fish wrappers laying around too. Watch your step.

Seriously, where do we go from here? The next episode will probably just be twelve minutes Ryan singing "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" over home movies of his circumcision.

This is why whenever I start dating someone, I always hire a guy to follow them around and bring me back samples of discarded hair and undergarments. You don't want to end up with a creep

Next week on Deadly Premonition: Ryan visits the Renaissance Faire and impregnates three silversmiths and a gallowsman atop a pile of discarded turkey leg bones. Huzzah! `

Ryan drives a Hyundai? I would've pictured him rolling around town in either a condemned ice cream truck, a hearse, or a rusted bumper car with two lawnmower engines strapped to the sides.

Next week on Deadly Premonition: Ryan reveals he once organized a popper-fueled kickball tournament where the grand prize was twenty minutes in that bottomless chair from Casino Royale.

Funhaus Dating Tip #84: A little chivalry goes a long way. If your date is unsatisfied with her meal, impress her by smacking the waiter across the face with a thin white glove, then running him through with a lance.

The judges really should've known that guy was cheating when he referred to the Knight pieces as "little horsey guys" then came all over the clock.

The death of a child is never EVER something to laugh about. Unless they were brutally murdered by Las Vegas funnyman Terry Fator, performing live every Thursday, Friday and Sunday at 7:30 and 9:30 PM, only at New York-New York Hotel and Casino!

Thank you all for watching the Ryan Hailey Seed Retrospective. Stay tuned for the In Memoriam segment in which we honor all those slick, squirming little troopers that were mopped off the clinic floor.