Blood and Honey: Ancient Tales from a Promised Land

The Israelites, led by General Joshua, come out of the desert after forty years' wandering. They plan to take over the land of Canaan, a land "flowing with milk and honey." First on the hit list is Jericho. The walls are demolished, the city is reduced to rubble, and the population wiped out — except for a barmaid and her family who helped the Israelite scouts, and a student who accidentally gets a reprieve. (Joshua 6)

Joshua leads the Israelites in a strike against the Canaanite town of Ai. One of his warriors, Achan, runs afoul of the holy men after they find that he has been keeping loot for himself instead of giving it to the God of the Israelites. He is stoned to death. The mayor of another Canaanite town, Gibeon, tries to trick Joshua into making a peace treaty, but Joshua quickly gets the better of him. Nothing seems to stand in the way of the Israelites now — or does it? (Joshua 7-8)

The Israelites have settled all over Canaan and have become complacent. Following the death of Joshua, a nasty character named Sisera leads a Canaanite offensive, spreading terror as he goes. The Israelites turn to the wise prophet Deborah for advice. She appoints Barak, a head-banging street fighter, to lead the Israelite army against Sisera, but prophesies that Sisera himself will die at the hands of a woman. Barak defeats Sisera's army, but Sisera escapes and finds refuge in a tent... temporarily. (Judges 4-5)

Gideon is a young Israelite, working on the land and fed up with the constant persecution from Canaanite army patrols. Inspired by his encounter with an old holy man, in which the Israelite God sends him a message through a wet sweater (his "woolly"), Gideon strikes a blow for the Israelites by smashing up the Canaanite Corn Goddess and then proving her to be completely powerless. The Israelites rally behind him, and an army is raised to wipe the Canaanites from the face of the Earth. (Judges 6)

Gideon has raised a large army but not nearly as large as the vast Canaanite army. Most of the Israelites decide to go home or are sent packing by Gideon. Far from being dispirited, though, the cunning Gideon sneaks up on the Canaanites in the middle of the night with his tiny army. The frighten the Canaanites into a panic of blundering self-destruction. By morning the Israelites are victorious and completely unscathed. Little do they know that just up the coast another enemy is landing: the Philistines! (Judges 7)

Samson is very strong and not too bright. He lives with his Mom and Dad, who are Israelites. Despite his mother's objections, Samson becomes engaged to a Philistine girl and, in a wild fit of joy, kills a lion. Later, on the way to the wedding, he passes the lion's body and finds that bees have built a nest in the carcass. At the wedding, the Philistines are so abusive to the Israelites that Samson challenges them to find the answer to a riddle. This little game backfires, and Samson completely loses his temper, much to the Philistines’ later regret. (Judges 13)

Samson falls in love with Delilah, even though she too is a Philistine. She is easily bribed by the mayor and the chief of police into betraying Samson. She finds out the secret of his strength — it’s his seven beautiful dreadlocks — and cuts them off. This makes it easy for the Philistines to capture him and tie him up. But Samson has just enough strength left to bring the whole building crashing down on the Philistines, killing everyone, including himself. Canaan remains a divided land: on one side the Israelites, and on the other the Philistines. (Judges 14-16)

The city of Shiloh has become the resting place of the Godbox — the Ark of the Covenant — which the Israelites have been carrying around for centuries. Eli, the High Priest, is its guardian, assisted by his young protege Samuel. Shiloh has become corrupt over the years: a place where all manner of gods are worshipped. As Samuel grows up, he becomes respected and revered by the whole Israelite population. When the Godbox is captured in battle by the Philistines, strange things begin to happen to them: plagues of mice... and worse. (1 Samuel 1-7)

The Philistines and the Israelites are fighting each other as usual. The Israelites are led by Samuel, but they want a proper kingdom in Canaan, along with a proper King. Samuel, after due consultation with the Godbox, nominates handsome, charismatic Saul to lead the Israelites. Saul warms immediately to his task, buys new chariots, wins a lot of battles, but basically forgets all about the God of the Israelites. Samuel accuses him of getting too big for his boots and disowns him. (1 Samuel 8-15)

Saul is depressed and on his own. Samuel, meanwhile, is visiting his old friend Jesse. One of Jesse's sons, a voice prophesies, is to be the next King of the Israelites. The next morning he meets the young harp-playing shepherd boy, David. David has been invited to play at Saul's palace, and his gig is a resounding success. He is definitely in with Saul. And when David joins the army and volunteers for one-to-one combat with the Philistine giant Goliath, Saul agrees to let him try.(1 Samuel 16)

David kills the Philistine giant, Goliath, and the Philistine army flees in disarray. Suddenly David is a mega-hero. Saul, of course, is delighted — until he realizes that David has become more popular then he! Saul offers David his daughter Michelle, but only after David passes an unusual test. The wedding goes ahead, but Saul is becoming obsessively jealous of David. He tracks David down to Samuel's training school for prophets high in the mountains, where he is reduced to a quivering, naked wreck. (1 Samuel 17)

David is still on the run from King Saul, who sends his son Jonathan to track him down. Jonathan and David are friends, though, and David flees to the mountains. Saul discovers David's whereabouts and, once there, goes into a cave to take care of some personal business. This is the very cave where David is hiding, though, and he cuts a piece out of Saul's robe. Saul is totally unaware of this and rejoins his army, who break into laughter at the sight of his robe. Saul's humiliation is complete — and so is his determination to get rid of David once and for all. (1 Samuel 18-24)

David decides to cut a deal with the Philistines. In return for protection from Saul, he will join them in attacking his fellow Israelites. He has, in fact, no real intention of doing any such thing. Meanwhile, Saul is barely holding out against the Philistines and desperate oy turns to the Witch of Endor for guidance. The ghost of Samuel appears, but he refuses to help Saul and tells him he'll be dead by the next day. This comes to pass when Saul is finally defeated by a strong Philistine force and is killed, along with his son Jonathan. (1 Samuel 28:3-5)

Saul's death has plunged the Israelite forces into disarray. David has been proclaimed King of the Israelites — but so has Saul's weaselly son Ishaboshoth. One by one the Israelite leaders defect to David's side, but they pay for their desertion. Finally, David is in complete control and is crowned King. He takes over Jerusalem as the capital and can now sit back and relax with his three wives. But trouble looms when he falls in love with Bathsheba. The subsequent wedding is disrupted by Nathan, a wild-looking holy man, who paints vivid and frightening pictures of the past, present and future. (2 Samuel 1-8)