Who Dares Wins ...

A Camping Holiday in Beirut. The first of a new series which will pose such crucial questions as: What do solicitors do for their money? Is the London Marathon your body's way of telling you to stay in bed? Answers to these and many more in this unexpurgated, unrepeatable comedy. [source: TV Times]

A Ticket for the Cup Final. Football fans should not miss this golden opportunity to go to Wembley and actually watch some football rather than a procession of TV commentators interviewing players' wives, children, Jack Russell terriers and favourite bits of furniture. [source: TV Times]

A British Passport. Yes, this week you can win the chance to become a true-blue Brit, if you can run the 100 metres in under nine seconds, play cricket without tripping over your laces, or beat the world at flower-arranging, bathroom-decorating, long-distance spitting, cracks-in-the-pavement dodging, or heavy-weight tantrum throwing. [source: TV Times]

A Racehorse. An Earthly out of Comatose Donkey. This fine specimen of equine grace could catapult you to fame and fortune. He could immortalise you in the winners' enclosure at the Derby. [source: TV Times]

Frank Bough's Cardigan. This you can't miss. For the first time 'Frank Bough' talks openly about his cardigan: the early days, the ups, the downs, the buttons and the little piece of wool that hangs off the sleeve and really irritates him. Also, in tonight's programme, exclusive film of a cabinet minister's lobotomy. [source: TV Times]

A Night of Sexual Abandon. If you've got sexual problems, this programme could possibly make them worse for you with another hour of unexpurgated late-night comedy. [source: TV Times]

Martina Navratilova's Wristband. A special Wimbledon edition asks important questions such as: Why does a certain tennis player grunt like a ruptured buffalo every time he serves? And most important of all: Why doesn't a top commentator take those marbles out of his mouth? [source: TV Times]

A Mysterious Rash. The last in this series of useful tips for hypochondriacs looks at the link between a certain astrologer and migraines. Plus, how to develop a phantom hernia, and three ways to turn yellow. So tune in and find out some painless ways to get time off work. [source: TV Times]