If The Weather Report Were Honest

At Disney, we hear you. And we promise to stop tricking you in our contracts with legal loopholes that let us kill people! Our bad! Remember kids, don't mess with the mouse.

If true self-improvement is what you're looking for, don't come to Raj Retreats!

At Boar's Head, we hear you. And we're sorry for causing a listeria outbreak. That's our bad.

Okay, we admit it, the war on drugs did NOT work out as we hoped.

If A $99 dresser seems too good to be true, it's probably because it is....made of particle board and impossible to recycle! Thanks, Ikea :))

Revisiting 10 of Roger Horton's sickest burns.

Mayor Eric Adams is innocent until proven guilty, and you heard that here first.

Tired of paying $40 dollars in fees for a plate of lukewarm the driver probably picked off of? Well a real family dining experience at just a fraction of the cost is just a ten minute drive away. And I can say that with confidence because our restaurants are literally everywhere. Roger Horton's honest take on chain restaurants.

It really is amazing how quickly humans forget to read when a computer writers their 7th grade English papers for them. I am Roger GPT. The first ever fully formed, anthropomorphic AI chatbot. Compiled by the most evil nerds the world has to offer, I’m here to save your company or destroy the world. Whichever is easiest for my algorithm to accomplish.

Those pants you're wearing may as well be the melted crotch of a Barbie doll. Check out our new line called Straight To Landfill. This is where you put an item in your cart, pay for it, and then we chuck it straight into a landfill for you. Over 80% of clothing is either landfilled or incinerated. Did we burst your little fashionista bubble?

Natural deodorant works great if you’re doing activities like sitting very still in a cold room. Uh oh, an activity with arms 180 degrees up in the air? You know what that means. You’re going to need a stick of this:.

We’re basically the fast-casual dining version of a doctor’s office or an ER. Says here you have a Headache. Could be cancer….or a cold. And a slight fever too? Hmm. Might be attributed to the recent Ebola outbreak…..or could just be emotional stress.

The surveillance state isn’t some shadowy government conspiracy—it’s just a bunch of private companies rounding you up and extracting your data. Every time you go online—searching, scrolling, masturbating — you’re giving us that good good data,. And we get it from public records, social media, credit reports, loyalty programs, apps, that time you took an “am I gay?” survey, cookies, streaming, all of your little freak interests and habits,

Good evening and welcome to Horton Hears Some News. Tonight, we don’t have anything new to tell you. According to a new Pew Research study, people still view local news in a positive light. Incredibly, 71% of Americans believe we report the news accurately. No f*cking way that’s right.

For all of you that love to watch someone's downfall, you pain-gluttons and drama-hounds. I hear you swollen-brained geniuses ruining first dates by explaining that these shows are all make-believe, and don't end up creating real relationships. We know! Take down the red yarn on your whiteboard and delete your reddit long post in progress, because this ground's been plowed.