Wheelhaus

You think you've seen this show before? YOU AIN'T SEEN SHIT, PAL. This is a brand new concept.

Welcome to Mars, colonists! You have been selected for your intelligence, your engineering and scientific skills, and most importantly, how well you fill out that spacesuit. I'm looking at you, Colonist Jade! ;)

Honestly, I feel like we got duped in this week's Wheelhaus. There's so much opportunity for a Meet'n'Fuck, and nothing came of our efforts. You know what this means? We're creating our all-new gaming platform that's BETTER than Steam. We're calling it: Anime Porn Steam. It's all anime dating games, all the time. Never worry that the game you're going to play WON'T include dumb, convoluted dialogue trees to navigate in the eventual chance of seeing a cartoon boob. Our guarantee is that if you DON'T engage in carnal relations with an questionably-aged character after 8 minutes of gameplay you get your money back. That's the Anime Porn Steam promise! If you want to subscribe to Anime Porn Steam, all you have to do is send us all of your credit cards and your birthday and social security number, and your mom's maiden name, and YOU TOO can have access to our extensive library of Anime Porn games on Anime Porn Steam. What are you waiting for? Subscribe today.

Papa Joel is on vacation for about 7 weeks, so guess who's writing descriptions?!? NOBODY. Welcome to the new age. To the new age. To the new age. It's an age of no poetry. No song lyrics. No choose your own adventure. Only dry, boring descriptions like this one: Wheelhaus is a website. http://www.thewheelhaus.com

My plan for this description was to look up the actual theme song from the movie Cars, because I had forgotten what it was. I was going to write like a little parody of it, with different cool rhyming lyrics and stuff. Like I sometimes do. Turns out it was a song called "Our Town," written by Randy Newman and sung by James Taylor. I looked it up and watched it on YouTube. Do you remember this thing? It sucks. It's a sucky song. If I wrote a parody of it, no one would know what the fuck it was. They'd think I wrote a crappy piece of original poetry or something, I don't know. So instead of a clever, fun description, you get this: a bitter kinda-apology. Don't blame me. Blame Randy Newman and James Taylor.

The wheels of the haus go round and round, round and round, round and round The wheels of the haus go round and round, all through the town The Adam of the haus goes click click click, click click click, click click click The Adam of the haus goes click click click, all through the town The James of the haus makes edgy "jokes", edgy "jokes", edgy "jokes" The James of the haus makes edgy "jokes," all through the town The Bruce of the haus say "Quit that game!" "Quit that game!" "Quit that game!" The Bruce of the haus say "Quit that game!" all through the town

Only a king could impress the lesser nobility, so King Fernando welcomed his guests to his wedding banquet as only a king could. Small dishes of grouse liver mousse baked in a puff shell, olives from the colonies on the sea, and chilled Sicilian wines loosed the tongues of the gentry, as everyone paid compliments to the king and his young bride. When the fiddlers started playing, the guests knew the feast was truly about to begin. Servants brought skewers of goat, dripping in their juices. They brought a cold soup of chestnuts and cream, and a plate of greens brought still planted from the southern reaches of Portugal. This was followed by peacock-and-pigeon pie, and the fruit of the all the seas: lobsters, crabs, scallops, mussels and clams, salmon three ways: tartare, baked, and grilled. There was black bread and white, and cakes of oatbran, with bowls of honeycomb and butter for dipping, each to his own. Heaping bowls of steamed vegetables followed to accompany the meat - peas and turnips, onions charred to a crisp, lightly wilted greens with slivered almonds . Here the chefs outdid themselves, bringing forth a haunch of ox, rare and bloody; swan in its plumage stuffed with game hens; lamb chops and racks; the ribs of a boar glazed with honey; a deer, roasted whole and studded with cloves, with skewered persimmons on its antlers was the centerpiece. A train of sweets came out next: creams and candied lemons, stone fruit poached in mead, wheels of white cheese with blue veins, and spun sugar in the shape of small crowns. After the wedding feast, his wife was imprisoned for life.

My fellow American. Today is a day. That cannot be denied. And I declare, on this day, that we, the people of America, will be Americans. Being American isn't a right. It's a privilege we are entitled to. In other words, a right. A right that we have. It means we're the best, but I think we can be better. Better Americans, for a better world. Eagles. Big hamburgers sizzling on the grill. Babies flying. Fireworks handing out meals to the homeless. Balloons shaped like cartoon animals. These are the things that make America uniquely American. If you vote for me, because I'm running, I want to tell you that we can do all these things. May we all be blessed, because this is a thing I have to say to make a certain segment of the electorate happy.