Doofenshmirtz's Daily Dirt

The interwebs are full of useless acronyms. I mean "LOL" ? Really? Well, ol' Doofy has a few brilliant ideas for some REALLY GOOD ones that EVERYONE should be using. Seriously, by next week I want to see #RIHNIHTWGIMHF trending on Twitter.

The internet is full of cats. I'm not sure why. I'm also not sure why they insist on terrible grammar and spelling practices, but I'm convinced that it is bad for the children of America. LISTEN UP SHEEPLE, IT'S TIME TO STAND UP TO THE INTERNET CAT CONSPIRACY.

I've got a bone to pick with Carly Rae Jepsen and her endlessly catchy song "Call Me Maybe." I mean, everyone likes the song, okay, but has anyone actually ever stopped to REALLY THINK about the lyrics? No? Sounds like a job for Doof!

I have just one question for One Direction: what came first, the band name or the hair style? Seriously, I'm looking at you Harry Styles...

Hey guys, has anyone heard of this awesome song OPEN QUANTUM STYLE? I think it's going to be a hit!!! Some people insist it's spelled "Gangnam Style" but I'm pretty sure they are totally wrong.

There are two things people are obsessed with that I don't understand: bacon and Honey Boo Boo. OK, well I understand the bacon...

I'M BACK MINIONS! Yesterday, my daughter Vanessa introduced me to something called "INSTAGRAM" and I'm already convinced it is pretty much the worst thing ever! Here's why you should too...

So in further confirmation of my personal suspicion that THE UNIVERSE HATES ME this episode is dedicated to my dear nemesis Perry the Platypus. Because in the long list of things that deserve to be celebrated, secret agent platipi really rank up there above evil scientists. Wait, is that right? Platipi? Or is it platypuses? Platypieces? Hmm. Seriously I'm gonna go look that up, otherwise it's going to bug me for the rest of the day.

WHAZUP INTERNET! Do you like movies like Twilight? Divergent? Hunger Games? Well, then you have TERRIBLE taste in movies! But, that's okay, because there are a TON of you, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon...

So in further confirmation of my personal suspicion that THE UNIVERSE HATES ME this episode is dedicated to my dear nemesis Perry the Platypus. Because in the long list of things that deserve to be celebrated, secret agent platipi really rank up there above evil scientists. Wait, is that right? Platipi? Or is it platypuses? Platypieces? Hmm. Seriously I'm gonna go look that up, otherwise it's going to bug me for the rest of the day.

The interwebs are full of all kinds of weird unknowns that people just ignore. Well, NO LONGER, in this groundbreaking exposé I'm going to tear the lid right off the internet crazy bin and reveal to you those dark questions that everyone is afraid to ask! PREPARE TO BE AMAZED AND EXCITED... or just confused.

HAPPY PI DAY. But seriously... First a platypus gets a day, now an irrational mathematical construct gets one too? BUT I DON'T? What gives!

What's up with all these yelling goat videos? And more importantly, why are they totally hilarious? I dive into these and other burning existential questions in this weeks episode!

So what do the Harlem Shake, Jeff Gordon and fad diets all have in common? I have three words for you: Involuntary Dairy Discharge.

Okay, okay! I know I said I was only going to do 13 episodes, but I'm having wayyy too much fun. Anyways, I have a SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT to make that will totally shock, thrill and amaze you. Without saying too much, let me just tell you that I'm WAY OVERDUE for this…

I have discovered yet more evidence that modern civilization as we know it is over: HAUL VIDEOS. Hipster clothiers are the harbingers of the apocalypse.

Listen up, internet! I have an announcement to make and it's SUPER IMPORTANT, so pay attention!

JUSTIN BEIBER COME ON MY SHOW! What's that? You thought I was going to give it up? Ohh no. Evil never gives up! But you know, if you actually DO come on my show, please keep your shirt on. Or not. Thanks.

You know what? The internet has perfected the human art of wasting time. To think, one second you're looking up a pair of shoes, and the next you are transformed into a crazed devotee to a TV show that was popular like a year ago.

What's that you say? Now Neil Patrick Harris is hosting the Emmy's, now? That's cool, because I'm going to completely Troll NPH and reveal all his evil scientist secrets on the interweb for everyone to see! Petty and spiteful behavior? CHALLENGE ACCEPTED! Ehh, what can I say? I'm evil.

“Phineas and Ferb’s” resident evil scientist and recent food enthusiast, Dr. Doofenshmirtz, dishes out $1000 to try the latest in culinary breakthroughs — THE CRONUT. In this week’s “Doof’s Daily Dirt” webisode, Doof’s inspiration borders on obsession as he attempts to trump the latest food craze in “Cray Cray Cronuts!”

Phil, Willie, Jase and Si were able to take over the world with a mere duck call, if they can do it, Doof can do better... prepare for the DOOF DYNASTY!!!

I just got a new smartphone this week, and already this amazing technology has conspired to completely ruin my life.

Did you know that "Food" is actually "Doof" spelled backwards? Pretty crazy, right? Anyways, what is it with all these hipsters and eating food off the back of a truck? I mean, REALLY? Eating at a stationary location is "too mainstream" for you???

Okay, I have to admit, this whole "interweb" thing is pretty neat. It's like a new surprise every day. I've recently discovered this thing called "Life Hacks" — which is way less nefarious sounding than it actually is, mind you — and I was so inspired that I decided to make my own: DOOF HACKS!

Everyone is so proud of Ashton Kutcher and his inspirational speech at that award show, but I think that during the flood of adulations and congratulations we're forgetting something much more important: ME. I intend to correct this grievous error with my own special awards show: THE DOOF CHOICE AWARDS!

So everyone is up in arms about this thing called "VINE." I don't get what the big deal is. What can you really say in only 6 seconds of video? Well — as it turns out — not a lot.

Hey Doofions! I was feeling generous this morning so I decided to answer a few of your questions in the comment section. What can I say? I'm a giver.

Watch out PLANKING, TWERKING and HARLEM SHAKING! Here comes the latest nonsensical internet trend of the minute: DOOFING!

October is nearly over and it's almost time to celebrate my favorite scary holiday! What's that? "Halloween," you say? Oh, no, dear Doofions — I'm talking about a holiday that is MUCH better, MUCH scarier and MUCH... uh... Doof-ier? That's right: HEINZ-O-WEEN!

Funny thing I noticed at the store the other day: suddenly Christmas decorations are, like, EVERYWHERE. What's with that? We haven't even gotten to Thanksgiving and we're already skipping to the next over-priced, massively-mechandised, consumer-obsessed cultural holiday: it's PRE-CHRISTMAS, everyone! The Christmas before the ACTUAL Christmas...

It's our 600th episode (that's a lie) and to celebrate I have a (less than) spectacular surprise for all you faithful Doof-ions! Trust me, you'll love it (probably not).

Hey Doof-ions! Your fearless and incomprehensibly handsome overlord has discovered a trendy, shiny, new web-thingie that only super-cool internet insiders know about: THE FACE BOOK. Let me tell you all about it...

Not to be an internet hipster or anything, but I just have to say that I was already dressing like a fox and Eurodancing in the woods WAY before it was cool...

Alright Doof-ions, your fearless and improbably handsome leader has a new topic he'd like to discuss this week. I know it's something you've been waiting for me to chime in about for weeks. Minecraft? No. Dr Who? Not really. Actually, it's something much more important than all those things: BAKE SALES, AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE TOTALLY LAME.

DOOF REPLIES -- PART DEUX ... or something. Hey Doofions, I'm back with another response to one of your comments. Honestly, if this was an Upworthy post, I might title it "A kid asks Doof a random question, you won't believe what happens next..." Anyways, ciaoy ciao!

Hey there, Doofions! Ready for another rip-roaring installment of everyone's favorite show hosted by an evil scientist whose nemesis is also a platypus? Me too! This week, I tackle the subject on everyone's mind: WHY GOING TO THE THEATER IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Real talk.

WHAZUP INTERNET! Do you like movies like Twilight? Divergent? Hunger Games? Well, then you have TERRIBLE taste in movies! But, that's okay, because there are a TON of you, so I might as well jump on the bandwagon...