Your Brain On Cracked

Have you ever wondered about the relationship between Santa and parents in Christmas movies? Ever been curious as to why nobody has asked Edward Cullen why he’s retaken 12th grade seven times? Ever thought you could kick Arnold Schwarzenegger’s improbably sculpted ‘80s butt? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to take a look at recurring movie plots only possible if everybody in the movie failed to graduate third grade. Which he definitely will soon.

Have you ever wondered why Keanu Reeves really loves funhouses? Ever wondered why movie presidents kick so much butt? Ever thought about head butting a wall? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to take a look at bizarrely specific movie tropes and the weird stuff they seem to imply.

Alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is no-nonsense this week as he takes a deep dive into the “Star Wars’ Sequel Trilogy and proves it was already doomed from “The Force Awakens'" opening crawl.

Have you ever wondered why Jurassic World hired a velociraptor trainer? Ever felt sorry for Filch in Harry Potter? Maybe thought Avatar was even dumber than you initially thought? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to call out characters whose useless jobs could only exist a movie.

Is Gerard Butler’s goofy 300 accent actually brilliant? Is there a good reason for Twilight werewolves' lack of shirts? Does Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade imply God wants us to be skilled tumblers? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding returns to explain why some of film’s stupidest moments are secretly genius.

Doctor Jordan is off the clock this week as he slips into something more comfortable and makes us all extremely uncomfortable reading from some incredibly randy novelizations of the films “Rambo First Blood: Part 2”, “Face/Off”, and “Halloween.”

Have you ever thought Loki could have done more in "The Avengers"? Maybe thought the Beastie Boys are "Star Trek" prophets? Wondered if anything in “Harry Potter” should have happened at all? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s back in his normal work clothes to look at small ways sequel movies wreaked big havoc on their series’ timelines.

Ever wanted to see a luchador wrestle a little person? Maybe you've longed for additional ‘sploitation genres? Do you have any interest in Jesus firing a rocket launcher? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding has some good news for you! This week he uncovers several (insane) genres guaranteed to liven up your movie nights.

Ever wondered if there are tons of people who can drive like Letty in Fast and Furious? Maybe you’ve wondered if The Village should have reconsidered sending blind children to scrounge for medicine? Did The Prestige miss the whole point of cloning? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and this week he’s unraveling some of cinema’s most needlessly complicated movie schemes.

Is Mowgli a piece of crap in “Jungle Book"? Is it possible for “The Iron Giant” to be even sadder than it already is? Is Mater from “Cars” literally Satan? This week, Pediatric “Doctor” Jordan Breeding puts on a non-threatening baseball cap and dives into several kids' movies that are way darker and sadder than we ever realized.

“Doctor” Jordan Breeding only has one thing on his mind this week: does Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” grow up to become the crazy dude who invents fight club in “Fight Club”?

Have you ever wondered if you should bad mouth your co-worker while taking a dump? Considered pumping yourself up in the mirror before lovemaking? Sat in a bathtub fully clothed? Well, if you have you’re probably living a movie, and this week “Doctor” Jordan Breeding sits in a fully-real bathtub and discusses some of the strangest bathroom movie tropes.

Have you ever wondered what a Christian movie starring Gary Busey as a Pomeranian would be like? Well, you’re in luck, because this week, Reverend “Doctor” Jordan Breeding forces himself to watch “Quigley” which is a real movie, apparently. Also, he debates some theology if that’s your thing.

Have you ever wondered why video games don’t explode better like Red Faction: Guerilla? Wished you had more opportunities to surf on gas barrels like in Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy? Ever wanted to build your own sprawling criminal empire like in The Godfather II? Well, this week “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is joined by the Editor-In-Chief of Hard Drive, "Doctor" Jeremy Kaplowitz, to discuss which video game mechanics should get ripped off more often.

Have you ever wondered why anybody assumes Godzilla is a good guy? Contemplated if theft is ever a good thing? Maybe secretly thought Captain America was a big dumb idiot? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to point out how blockbuster movies should avoid morality lessons and just blow things up.

This week, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is laser-focused on one thing: Rick Deckard from "Blade Runner" is a human. He’s not a Replicant. He’s a human. Ridley Scott can eat it.

Have you ever wanted to see Kevin Costner’s Untouchables? Pondered why Denzel Washington doesn’t kiss many white women? Wondered what Rudolph the Reindeer would be like if it was way sadder? Well, this week, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding and his “mustache" employ a one-man, in-studio test audience, just like real Hollywood movies. Also, like Hollywood movies? Changes will probably need to be made before this goes to theaters.

Have you ever felt like nobody laughs at your jokes? Ever wondered if your baby has been swapped? Compulsively banging anything with a pulse? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is here to diagnose you as a sitcom character. Sorry about that.

Have you ever thought velociraptor roars in Jurassic Park sounded suspiciously similar to turtles doing it? Wondered if McLovin’s mom was in the room with him? Debated whether Michelle Rodriguez knew how to drive at all? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is give you the behind-the-scene info you need to know to ruin all your favorite movies.

Twists abound in the shocking first season finale of "Your Brain On Cracked.” Are the zombies in I Am Legend, idiots? Is there any reason to send a one-armed assassin in The Fugitive? Is Kaecilius trying to lose in Doctor Strange? All this and more will be revealed in time here at the end of all things (well, for at least this season, anyway).