...Oh you want to know the worst of it? Hm yeah guess that ominous ellipsis did sort of indicate that was coming, reasonable assumption. Okay, well the worst of it is...Bernard SINGS. And despite what you might expect from a clumsy troublemaking dog named Bernard, the singing is NOT VERY GOOD. He sings and stumbles his way through life, leaving a wake of bloodshed and tears behind him, and he feels no remorse! Bernard is unstoppable! Behave, Bernard!? Ha! You might as well ask a sandstorm to behave! Welcome to the century of Bernard, he’s running the show now! Hurry, while Bernard still allows it, and join Mike, Kevin and Bill for Behave, Bernard!

It’s time to crawl under your desk with Mike, Kevin, and Bill, then stick your head between your legs and kiss your Duck and Cover goodbye!

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for the *Rashomon* of educational shorts: Getting Angry.

Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill to learn all about how to go EEEEEEEEEE in a really high pitched tone Verbal Communication!

Joining these little tykes are teacher’s casual sexism, impressions of Indians that are still stuck in the 1870s (or 2015 NFL teams), and a completely needless frame story, and you’ve got our latest baffling “educational” short: Starting School!

Strap on your bib, crack the seal on a new bottle of barbecue sauce, and get ready to roast and broil the greatest stars of all: With An All-Star Cast!

The Myths of Shoplifting is here to clear up all of these misconceptions. It does this using the controversial “all dork cast” method that was so popular in the seventies. Watch as they attempt to steal makeup, records, and a pocket calculator! Even more impressive is that they are attempting all of these thefts in a Sunglass Hut, which to the best of our knowledge does not sell any of those things. We believe it sells sunglasses. Of course, this short was not very effective, since all the cool kids were already cutting class to shoplift stuff. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for The Myths of Shoplifting!

Join MST3K favorites Mary Jo and Bridget as they Riff you through a “Happy-Go-Spending-Whirl” of 1957 consumerism, lust and greed. BUY IT BUY IT BUY IT (

Riffing together again for the first second time in world history! Bridget Nelson and Mary Jo Pehl bring you... A WORD TO THE WIVES Bridget and Mary Jo get a few pointers in this “how to” film from the 50s about getting a new kitchen. Jane and her new dark-haired schemer neighbor without a name come up with a plan to trick Jane’s husband into a brand-new kitchen, complete with new appliances so they can have more time to go shopping. In their panting greed for a new refrigerator that makes ice circles (we don’t know what those are either) and with poor hapless Jane as a pawn in her neighbor’s sinister plan, poor Husband George never knew what hit him. In a bloody, horrifying twist of events they get their new kitchen - and a little more than they bargained for. Tune in and see the new kitchen for yourself - if you dare!

Animal Antics takes a look at the day in the life of a cute little bunny the old-fashioned way: through the perspective of a half-delirious newsreel narrator, babbling words as quickly as he can in a vain attempt to voice every animal character while still providing a coherent story. Also, it’s not so much a real “day in the life” as it is “a series of bizarre situations the film forces the bunny to deal with.” The narrator also decides that the bunny -- again, a bunny, and thus a child -- is aggressively flirting with every animal that crosses his path. And not just animals, he’s into dolls, too! It all culminates in a dollhouse date that’ll have animal fans of all ages asking “why, why is this happening?” Let’s get weird with nature. Join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Animal Antics!

Today’s Woman. She buys stuff. She buys stuff in a groovy way. If more merchants knew this simple fact then they would understand that they should sell things to woman. This short film teaches them that YES, women are in fact consumers and can, by law, be sold things they want to buy. Join Bridget and Mary Jo for more adventures in consumerism. Buy your copy of The Relaxed Wife and Consuming Women today!!

The sole plot keyword on IMDb about Naturally A Girl is “menstruation.” But Bridget and Mary Jo have plenty to add to this short health education film that tastefully and progressively explains the beauty of being a woman -- even boys are interviewed for their take on the matter. Hey, no matter who you are or how you identify, you’ll get lots of tips for having your period or someone else’s period!

Bridget and Mary Jo are your Riffers for Cindy Goes To A Party. A must see for those thinking birthday parties are supposed to be fun.

Harlem is a strange new world for William, as he struggles to get along with Calvin, a kid with an inexplicable and extreme hatred of tractors. When a terrifying hardcore gang (aka, a few kids who smoke cigarettes) attacks William and Calvin in the park, his small town values are put to the test. Will he survive? Will he remain “from Georgia”, and if not at what point does he technically become “from Harlem”? Will Calvin ever get over his weird tractor thing? Find out with Mike, Kevin and Bill as they take a trip with William From Georgia to Harlem!

Why, did you know prom is the most important social function? And viewers, play along at home, won't you? See if you can spot the product placement!

Weep with Bridget and Mary Jo as this simple question divides families, ruins friendships and ultimately cracks the very foundation of a prestigious east coast prep school. Rejoice with them as they celebrate the courageous teachers who dared to make a difference by implementing an afterschool program. Laugh with them as babies pee on people. Oh, Boy! Babies! will shatter all your sexist ideas about babysitting!

In The Snob, Sarah is a high school student who wreaks horror and despair in her small town by studying too much. She is regarded high-falutin' and snooty because she reads. Worry not - all Sarah needs to reign in the depravity is friends!

In this measuring adventure, our hero teaches young Tommy the basics of, well, measuring. Tommy has somehow survived to the age of nine without learning concepts like “bigger” or “smaller.” Fortunately, Measuring Man is here to help. He uses his terrifying cosmic powers to whisk Tommy from the safety of his kitchen off to Measuring Land, a place beyond all imagination, assuming your imagination operates at the level of a hastily-planned middle school play. But that’s not all Measuring Man has! He also sports a belt full of measuring objects that are, well… suggestively shaped? Suffice to say, if you want to take the measure of a man, Measuring Man is your man. First performed live to immeasurable laughter at our Miami Connection live show, now available as a studio riff, join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Measuring Man!

All your favorite characters are back: Duncan, Stickman*, and soul-crushing 50s greyness and blandness. It’s Thanksgiving day, and guests that make Peppermint Patty look generous and gracious are starting to arrive. Fortunately, there’s still time for the kids to learn valuable lessons about politeness such as “Keep the profanity to a minimum when Tony Romo ruins your three team tease in the first game of the day” and “Don’t comment that it looks like a badger could carve the turkey better than father.” Order up a cornucopia of repressed fifties urges, set up your insanely large candlesticks (Seriously, those things could easily take out Professor Plum), and join Mike, Kevin, and Bill for Dining Together! * Doctors advise not swimming for half an hour after encountering a deep cut this deep