Released shortly before Dragonball Evolution, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li was part one of an insidious, cross-studio plot to systematically destroy strategically chosen beloved franchises and, by extension, an entire subculture of nerds. Luckily, Roland Emmerick's Legend of Zelda movie was canned and the plan crumbled in it's final phase, leaving the evil masterminds responsibile to go into hiding, pouring all their remaining funds into the Cowboy Bebop live action movie with Keanu Reeves. The world was left with two shameful blights forever scarring its unalterable history. Most tried to ignore Dragonball and Chun Li or turned to powerful drugs for even the most fleeting feeling of blissful ignorance. We at QuipTracks, however, cannot turn a blind eye to such cinematic injustice. We have taken these horrific devices of torture and made them into something we can all feel good about. Like E. Honda with a turbo switch, "Street Fighter" slaps you with an unending barrage of inept directoral decisions and inconceivably insipid performances. Crime lord M. Bison, head of feared organization "Shadalao" (the director's inspired take on Shadaloo), threatens to clean up the slums of Bangkok and build nice homes there. He also loves his daughter and would like to see her again. But all her life, Chun Li blamed Bison for her gradual change from a little Chinese girl into a Canadian, and she's not about to just sit back while he buys a majority share of the slums.

We've all heard Satan's pitch at least once in our lives. The offer's always a little different, but the price (you would find if you didn't slam the door in his face) is always the same: your soul. Sometimes it's a dependable new set of encyclopedias. Sometimes it's a "free" gift card. "Would you like to supersize your order for just a soul more?" According to a recent survey of 20,000 residents of Hell, these deals have accounted for less than .2 percent of Hell's incoming tenants. You might actually want to consider taking the deal, however, when you hear about a common side effect: Becoming a badass flaming skeleton with the power to kill demons effortlessly. Johnny Blaze discovers this 20-some years after wasting his deal trying to save his klutzy father from cancer—who immediately kills himself in a freak, 'Leap of Death' accident. Unfortunately, Johnny's super cool affliction manifests itself after he becomes Nicholas Cage, so instead of becoming the chick-magnet you would expect, he's stuck pining after his old flame, Roxie (played by porn actress Eva Mendez...wait, what? She's not in porn? She's been in other, real, shown-in-theaters movies? That can't be right...) Anyway. The devil overreacts when his son, Blackheart, comes out of the closet, and Mephisopheles hires Johnny to kick his candy ass. This is not something we'd normally condone reveling in, but Blackheart is also pure evil and trying to destroy the world or something, so it's okay to enjoy seeing his powdered face get punched from here to drama club.

We've all heard Satan's pitch at least once in our lives. The offer's always a little different, but the price (you would find if you didn't slam the door in his face) is always the same: your soul. Sometimes it's a dependable new set of encyclopedias. Sometimes it's a "free" gift card. "Would you like to supersize your order for just a soul more?" According to a recent survey of 20,000 residents of Hell, these deals have accounted for less than .2 percent of Hell's incoming tenants. You might actually want to consider taking the deal, however, when you hear about a common side effect: Becoming a badass flaming skeleton with the power to kill demons effortlessly. Johnny Blaze discovers this 20-some years after wasting his deal trying to save his klutzy father from cancer—who immediately kills himself in a freak, 'Leap of Death' accident. Unfortunately, Johnny's super cool affliction manifests itself after he becomes Nicholas Cage, so instead of becoming the chick-magnet you would expect, he's stuck pining after his old flame, Roxie (played by porn actress Eva Mendez...wait, what? She's not in porn? She's been in other, real, shown-in-theaters movies? That can't be right...) Anyway. The devil overreacts when his son, Blackheart, comes out of the closet, and Mephisopheles hires Johnny to kick his candy ass. This is not something I'd normally condone reveling in, but Blackheart is also pure evil and trying to destroy the world or something, so it's okay to enjoy seeing his powdered face get punched from here to drama club.

Nathan (Taylor Lautner) has always felt like a freak. His neck, an exessive protrusion for a human's, has made him self-concious in his teen years. He's been told he's the Chosen Alpaca reborn, put on Earth to defeat the Invincible Yak upon its return from other-realmly banishment, but that kind of thing's not likely to impress his crush, Karen. She's got the kind of big, buxom eyebrows that Nathan can't resist, and he'd trade his legendary link to the spirit of the Great Alpaca to be able to say "hey" to a girl that wooly. Destiny cares not for Nathan's dreams of mediocrity, however, and he is shaken out of his denial by an undeniably cropped-weird photo of him that he finds in the family archives. A photo cropped that weird can only mean his parents are shams, and the daily smackdowns he gets from his "father" suddenly don't seem like fun bonding moments anymore. His "mother" is also about Nathan's age and pretty hot, and he'd like to expose them as imposters as soon as possible so he can start hitting that right away. But before he can hardly feel her up at all, both fake parents are murdered by the minions of one Nikola Kozslow (codename: The Invincible Yakov) and Nathan soon finds himself freakishly-long-neck-deep in a twisted conspiracy that could go ALL THE WAY TO A GUY! Thankfully, nobody's abducted, but it's still pretty intense.

They say that we only use 20% of our brains. That being the case, butt-chinned Michael Jennings reasons, it should be fine to let an excitable leprechaun blast at least 80% of one's brain with lasers. And so this is how our hero makes his fortune. By reverse engineering pointless new technologies for rival companies and subsequently allowing Paul Giamatti (that weird guy that always manages to convince you that you don't hate his performance for some reason) to practice his Star Fox skillz on incriminating memory cells, Jennings essentially trades his memory of his dubious business practices for a... PAYCHECK! He's paid in the form of PAYCHECKS, you see.

Forget everything you know about witches! If you thought they were all old, hook-nosed, wart-covered hags, then boy are you gonna come out looking dumb after The Covenant blows the lid off witchcraft! First off, all witches are dudes—white, douchey, juvenile guys with six-pack abs. Pointy hats are definitely out, and cauldrons? Really? Did you really bring up cauldrons in a serious conversation about witches? Oh kay. You reeeally need to watch this movie to try and sweep the cobwebs of ignorance out of your bigot skull. ...What? Did you just ask me if they were too busy flying around on their brooms to do much sweeping? Oh. MY god. Witches fly huge SUVs and drive BMWs. Duh. Okay, they DO have spells, but it’s not sissy “magic,” it’s The Power. Witches are basically the most powerful dudes you could meet because they’ll just look at you, and the next thing you know, you’re hurling chunks on your best friend. Or you’ve got a spider in your ear. Or they’ll just throw a bubble at you. I’m not explaining it right, but it’s super bad ass. What? “What HAPPENS in the movie?” Oh. Uh… Well they’re basically just hanging out, being cool and sexy; getting into scraps and…swimming freestyle… There’s a dance number… Um… Features Tristan, Tracy, and Tegan