Give My Head Peace

Uncle Andy takes the lend of Rocco Brooklyn (to whom he gives the nom de guerre ‘Elvis’) from Samantha down the road in order to secure his £62 a month from the Social Services. Sadly for him and his bank balance he soon gets rumbled by the Social, and Samantha’s extremely agressive husband, due to his somewhat inattentive guardianship. Meanwhile, Da is facing the sack from his position as Sinn Fein assembly member due to a misplaced comment about the watch-towers in South Armagh, namely that they should be kept in place because "someone needs to keep an eye on those mad b******ds". Gerry said he’d take his chances with the by-election, but is this just a test?

Da gives himself a makeover and a new moniker as he dons some street-gear and transforms into ‘Duff Paddy’ in a bid to secure the youth vote. At least that’s what he tells Ma. In actual fact it seems to be a desperate attempt to emulate Bobby McCrue and his young Russian bride, or to get away from Ma - their perfect match began when Ma answered Da’s personal ad: "Ugly glipe seeks gullible woman for 37 years of unrelenting misery". As an indirect result of Da's antics, Cal manages to get himself a new girlfriend. Chantelle Toomey, however, is more than he bargained for - she may have named her kids after the characters in the "Sound of Music" but their antics are more akin to those in "Seven"! Uncle Andy, meanwhile, is going in for a spot of historical revisionism by making a short film about King Billy and the Battle of the Boyne for Channel 4 with sidekick Mervyn. Dympna’s offer to help out is turned down as Uncle Andy decrees that it’s a PPP - Purely Protestant Production. However, he unearths a few truths he'd rather not know.

After their trip to the Ideal Home Exhibition, Ma and Dympna both have their heads full of ideas. Dympna comes up with a rather novel way of executing hers by beggining a campaign of harrassment designed to frighten Billy out of Orange Terrace. Meanwhile, Ma and Da sign an historic cease fire and agree to buy some furniture, but the break in hostilities doesn't last long as Da misinterprets Ma's request for "something in mahogany" and returns with a full-sized snooker table. Ma immediately calls the removal men but has to watch on in horror as her living room begins to resemble the Crucible. Red Hand Luke, however, becomes the proud denizen of a beautiful 4-bedroom Laganside apartment courtesy of the Housing Executive, "on account of the intiminadation". Mervyn explains to a bewildered Uncle Andy that if you get intimidated out of your house the Housing Executive have to find you somewhere else to live. But when Mervyn asks Luke who intimidated him, he replies: "Nobody. I intimidated the Housing Executive".

The launch of Uncle Andy's work of literary genius at 3 Orange Terrace is not proving to be much of a crowd-puller. He certainly won't be shifting many copies in Germany, where the translation is Mein Kampf. Mind you, he had already halved his potential readership as the book went to press - "published in Ulster, by the Ulster Protestant Press, for Protestants. Not for sale to taigs." Neither is Billy to impressed with his dedication: "To a turncoat cop who stood idly by while the Protestant people were trampled on. How do you live with yourself?" But what goes around comes around and, as sales figures peak at 3, Andy finds himself £1000 in debt to Mad Lenny. As the unwitting guarantour of this "loan", Mervyn finds himself lured into Uncle Andy's solution to the problem - Medical Drugs Trials. The only catch? They've got to stay off the drink for the duration...

Da gets an unexpected Christmas bonus when Gerry's card arrives in the post and Billy forces Uncle Andy, Mervyn and Sammy to use the £1000 granted by the council to the "Kneebreakers Community Christmas Club Committee" on decorations. They set up a suspiciously cheap-looking Santa's Grotto. Nevertheless, Red Hand Luke cannot contain his excitement and is shocked when he unmasks Uncle Andy beneath the beard. Things turn nasty when Mervyn points out that Santa doesn't actually exist, much to Luke's dismay. Meanwhile, over at 47a Divis Towers, the evil spirit possessing the place at Christmas turns out to be a rather mild-mannered fellow called Raymond - killed by a turkey chucked out of the window in 1974. That would explain the festive nightmares for the past 27 years...

Emer writes to Billy and, although he is the last to read it, the consequences of the papal annulment of their marriage she has secured quickly dawn on him - "Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last". Mind you, his cries are soon drowned out by Dympna's demands for an engagement ring. Uncle Andy, whilst obviously appalled by this impending match, magnanimously offers to host the reception in the Kneebreakers. But further disbelief is ahead when Billy and Dympna announce that the Pope himself is to conduct the ceremony: "The Pope!!!!? There's no way I'll sign him into the Kneebreakers". Soon enough though, occasional Kneebreakers' entertainer 'Micky McMesma' turns Uncle Andy into the Pope as part of his act, unfortunately dropping dead before he can change him back. So, when Billy, Dympna, Ma, Da and Cal head off to Rome for the wedding, little do they know that Uncle Andy is hot on their trail in full Papal attire. Da has other problems on his hands too - in the shape of Cardinal Vincenzo. Da is not too pleased to see him given the affection clearly evident between him and Ma. This potent combination of chivalry and ignorant male pride soon leads to the battle to end all battles, at least in Da's head...