Funhaus Comments

"The arterial supply originates from the anterior intercostal branches of the internal thoracic arteries; lateral thoracic artery; and thoracodorsal arteries. The venous vessels parallel the arteries. The axillary nodes are the apical axillary nodes, the lateral group and the anterior group. 75% of the lymph is drained through the axillary lymph nodes located near the armpit. The rest of the drainage leaves through infroclavicular, pectoral, or parasternal nodes." You guys hot yet?

Luckily, if you ever do throw your back out skanking at a SKA show, one of the thirty-four band members has to be a chiropractor, right? Or at least a massage therapist.

Laugh all you want but nobody knows more about the delicate art of lovemaking than Bruce. Over the years he's patiently taught me everything from picking out the right scented candle to convincingly pretending you have a latex allergy.

Oooooooh. Mmm hmm. I'm imagining Jacob getting down right now. The tiny beads of sweat glistening as they slowly roll down that perfect caramel skin. The scent of a hundred Destiny t-shirts strewn atop the bed like rose petals. The sound of the vinyl Count Duku mask slamming rhythmically against the headboard...

Working from home everyday while taking care of a toddler isn't all bad. Sometimes we both stop crying long enough to remember not to shit our pants.

Oh yeah? Well, if I'm so old then why did I just shove this Twenty One Pilots themed fidget spinner up my butt? Seriously. Why did I do that? I can't get it to stop playing that song from Suicide Squad.

Prepare yourself for the outrage, the drama, the intensity that is the Comments Show. Consider that out of hundreds of thousands of views on a given video, there are usually only about one-thousand comments. A very small minority of viewers actually leave a comment. This leaves us in an existential crisis of sorts; one that cannot be easily solved. Description.

The worst thing about going to Medieval Times has got to be that part of the show when the guy playing the king declares Prima Nocta and bangs your girlfriend on a case of frozen turkey legs.

Man, being GEN-X is the best! I mean, I'll never own a home and climate change will kill me even faster but at least nobody expects me to do shit about it. Have fun trying to save this garbage world, you dew-eyed youngsters! I'll be over here watching reruns of "Perfect Strangers".

Any sink can be a bidet if you're determined enough. I don't care what the assistant manager of that Sizzler says.

Here's a little Funhaus PSA for all you youngsters about to go to Vegas for the first time: Your friend Tyler does NOT have a "system" for Roulette. I don't care if his cousin Brayden won like $600 last time he was there. It's a goddamn wheel. You might as well have a system for coin flipping or pulling names out of a hat. Just spend that money on Carrot Top tickets or a bag of really shitty blow like the rest of us. Cue the "The More You Know" graphic!

Canada's top five exports: 1. Oil and Natural Gas 2. Automobiles 3. Lumber and Paper Products 4. Smug Sense of Superiority about Inexpensive Quality Medical Care and Lack of Crippling Student Debt 5. Amell Brothers

A good friend of mine once swore that she hooked up with Michael Cera at the Youth In Revolt premiere after party. Turns out it was just a fur-lined jacket filled with Arcade Fire EPs. Honest mistake.

I think it's really sweet that Powerman 5000 took a break from their busy schedule of rubbing honey into Rob Zombie's dreadlocks just to watch our content.

I guess my dad is pretty cool. When most fathers would have awkwardly avoided dealing with their young son's weight issues, my dad sat me down, offered to buy me a training bra, then laughed so hard he almost swallowed his joint.

It was cute at first but I'm getting kinda sick of all this "Will They Or Won't They" nonsense between Adam and his foreskin. This isn't an episode of Castle. Just commit or let it find a penis that appreciates it.

"Whoever would overthrow the liberty of a nation must begin by subduing the freeness of speech. How was that? Good? Great. Now, bring on the aging French prostitutes!" - Benjamin Franklin

Sniffing strange women's seats in public? That's disgusting! Who knows what's on those things? Stay safe and just sniff your ex-girlfried's furniture while she's away at work like the rest of us.

Jon truly is the most Christ-like among us, in that he also likes to load up on wine and carbs and then sleep for three days at a time.

Is there an expert on Queer Eye that shows up at your house with a camera crew and makes your penis work more better? Because I already have enough cigarette jeans and designer throw pillows.

Ever since the very first moment Jon strutted into the bungalow in his turtle hat, I knew that he would someday murder us all. I just never thought it would be this soon. Ha ha seriously though why does he have a knife?

Did anyone else picture Benson quietly padding out of the studio, packing a little doggie stick and bindle, and starting a daring "Homeward Bound" style journey stretching from the Funhaus offices all the way to the rusted dumpster behind the Funhaus offices?

I like my improv comedy like I like my women: fast, loose, and not as nearly as funny as they think they are.

Method actors are just intolerable assholes who have found the perfect cover. If Jared Leto was a sales manager, he'd be sending used condoms and dead rats to Denise in accounting all the time.

It doesn't really matter if you prefer beating off to "Hot Young Lady Anime Lawrence" or "Buff Young Dude Anime Lawrence" because in the end you can rest assured that "Real Life Lawrence" is constantly beating off to both of them.

"Felines, especially domestic CATS, are well known for having penile spines. Upon withdrawal of a cat's penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina, which may serve as a trigger for ovulation. Many other species have penile spines including wombats, koalas, spotted hyenas, echidnas, and HEDGEHOGS." James certainly does have a type.

For all of you out there buying VR headsets so you can use one of those "meditation" apps, be careful. They are crazy immersive. The other day I meditated so hard I couldn't pee straight for a week.

EQUIPMENT: Large pot Thermometer Long knife (curd knife; does not need to be sharp) Cheesecloth Cheese wax Cheese press INGREDIENTS: 2 gallons cow or goat milk 1/8 tsp. calcium chloride diluted in 1/4 cup water 1/8 tsp. bulk mesophilic culture 1/2 tsp. liquid animal rennet, dissolved in 1/2 cup cool water 2 Tbsp. sea salt