Funhaus Comments

Well, we finally did it. After almost two years of making content we've finally offended ourselves. I'm surprised it took this long, really.

Ugh boy. The "Hard Elyse" bit is getting more racist by the week. On the bright side, it has allowed Funhaus to exploit that new and exiting "Alt-Right" audience that everyone seems to be talking about.

Guys, please. Let's all just enjoy this new calm Lawrence. No need to pick it apart. Or wonder why. Or even talk about it at all. Ever again.

I just spent more time looking up how to properly spell "punani" than I ever spent actually touching it in high school.

"Alright, let's pop those pant off and kick this into gear!""Wait. Did you file the RC-215 Pre-Coital Petition?""No. I thought you said I needed a QT-301 with a Reverse Cowgirl Addendum!""Uugghhh! That's your problem. you never listen to me.""Fine, fine. I'll go to the notary and pick one up. Don't wriggle out of those ropes."

Some pilots never learn to use the cyclic to counter pitch and roll during the transition onto the skids. The result is sliding around on the parking space, which is dangerous. Go out and practice your slope landings, both parallel to the hill, and facing uphill (watch your tailrotor!) and you'll be practicing the same elements required for landing on level ground.

The good news: Elyse's impressions are back!The bad news: She may be dead from whooping cough by the time you read this.

Why do we always come hereI guess we'll never knowIt's like a kind of tortureTo have to watch the showBut now let's get things startedWhy don't you get things startedIt's time to get things startedOn the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, commentationalThis is what we call the Comments Shoooooooowwww!

The more I get of you,The stranger it feels, yeah.And now that your rose is in bloom.A light hits the gloom on the gray.There is so much a man can tell you,So much he can say.You remain,My power, my pleasure, my pain!

Whatever, Canada. You think you're so great with your handsome, charismatic leader and your precious heath care. Get back to us when you're a true independent state and no longer under the tyrannical thumb of the British Commonwealth of Nations! Daaaammmnnnn! Colonialism burn!

The hardest part of editing this video was finding an image of Blaine online where he wasn't either flexing, shirtless, or both. The second hardest part? Trying not to fall in love with him.

Did you know that the small bumps on areolae are called Montgomery glands, and that they produce a natural oil that cleans, lubricates, and protects the nipple during pregnancy and breastfeeding? This oil also contains an enzyme that kills bacteria and makes breast creams unnecessary. Huh.Breasts: Not just for masturbating to anymore.

Don't worry everybody. We'll never again try to burden you with quality animated entertainment delivered free of charge to your YouTube feeds for you to choose to enjoy or not at your convenience. We apologize.

Even if you bought Peake a mansion in the hills and stocked his closet full of tuxedos, he'd still spend every day in his old flannel jacket, eating beans out of a can in front of a tire fire in his exquisitely manicured backyard.

When I was your age we only worried about one millennial. The millennial computer virus! Y2K! Ever heard of it?! It was gonna ruin the world! All records were going to be erased and the machines were supposed to take over! I stored a giant tub of food in my closet and everything. All you kids have to worry about is terrorism, escalating gun violence, global destabilization, and the deconstruction of western democracy.

Is there a fetish out there where women want to sleep with guys who are just shy of middle age, a bit doughy around the mid-section, and make less than the person who takes your picture at the DMV? I'm asking for a friend.

"Hey everybody, welcome to On the Spot! My first team tonight is Funhaus and oh, would you look at that, Adam has already disrobed and started lighting parts of the set on fire while Lawrence casually urinates into my coffee cup."

Heh heh. Get it? The episode number? And the title? Hee hee ha aaaghahahahahahahahaha! Oh man! It's good. It's too good. You should have seen my face when Bruce explained it to me. 

Just think of the internet as a lawn. And the comments show as a means for us crusty old men to scream at you to get off of it.

I feel bad for you guys. Thanks to YouTube's new rules about content and advertisers you've all just been robbed of the pleasure of reading a truly hilarious and super classy female circumcision joke. *(sigh)*Someday. 

Here's a helpful list of each Funhaus member's official catch-phrase:Adam: "We live in a world where..."Peake: "Skoot! Skoot!"Bruce: "There goes the office!"James: "What a lovely day for some ham."Elyse: "Did you know Hitler was a vegetarian?"Lawrence: "I made a widdle poopie."Don: "I should really get back to editing."Dan: "Kabonga!" (followed by laugh track)Bones: "Everything hurts and nobody cares."Omar: "Bender, stop licking that!"Jon: "Do what you're told or you go back in the box."Jacob: (string of outdated racial slurs that I'm not allowed to type) Tshirts n stuff: https://store.roosterteeth.com/

A blind woman once accidentally grazed Matt Peake's bare calf while sitting down on a park bench. Her eyesight returned instantly. Well, she's like 20/60 now. She can't drive at night or anything but it's still pretty cool.

When asked in a recent interview if his daughter Suri ever gets nervous about all the crazy stunts in his films, Tom Cruise responded: "Ha! Me? A Daughter? That's rich! Suri's not even a real name!", then put on a pair of Ray-Bans and strapped himself to the side of a descending submarine.

Abstinence is the only true way to prevent pregnancy and STDs. Trust me. I have been involuntarily saving myself for the right girl for over 3 decades and I am clean as a whistle.

Bring a print-out of this description along with proof of purchase of a Funhaus jersey to RTX this year and redeem them for a free 3 minute tickle fight with Jacob Fullerton!* *(offer void in Texas)

My high school existed in some bizarre mirror universe in which the theater kids were all straight-edge virgins and the band geeks crushed tail and drove around in sweet raised pick-ups. It's okay, though. I did learn to ACT like I understood how to speak to and sexually satisfy a woman.

Now that "cuck" is officially played out, we look forward to whatever wacky term you kids come up with next to demean and denigrate us in the comments section of this free comedy channel.

"Yaw Honah, I'm jest a simple Suthin' lawyah stereotahp, a'standin' heah in mah crisp seeahsuckuh suit, gently dabbin' perspuhrashun from mah brow wit' dis heah monagramed hankuhchif, set to wow Yaw Honah wit' some simplitic yet chahmin' homespun wisdom. Now, does it seem ta y'all that a guilty man would hiyah such a tiyud, played out cliche like muhself as his council in diyuh cuhcumstances such as these?""Hmm... good point. Case dismissed!" 

Turns out that a peek behind the scenes of Funhaus is pretty much just like regular Funhaus, but with hours of unbroken, silent, hateful stares and a surprising amount of racial slurs.

If you ever meet Steven Suptic, whatever you do, do NOT attempt to give him a hug. Not only is he disgusted by human contact, but I tried it once and his ribs crumbled like a handful of Pringles.  

We know you're out there, Frank Marshall. We know that you're watching, and we know that you've got Congo deleted scenes hidden under your floorboards. You'd better believe it, buster. We'll findja, we'll stick a crowbar under your rug and, by golly, we'll see a gorilla shoot a gosh dern laser beam.

"What's the point of all this? Each day is more empty and tedious than the last. The most vicious among us thrive as fools attempt to nurture what little goodness remains. We struggle to find meaning in banal carnal pleasures while an indifferent world mocks our collecti-""Just blow out your damn candles, Adam. The rest of the kids want some cake."  

I'm really glad that emojis have become more diverse lately. Until they came out with the little eggplant, I thought I was the only guy out there who's wiener was dark purple with a bright green tip.  

I'm not really sure if this is how trigger warnings work, but could you please send one of those my way next time you're about to call me a tired homeless version of Adam Kovic in the comments? The rest of the boys are getting sick of all the crying.  

It could be any one of us. I'll never tell. You can threaten, beat, and torture me for as long as there is strength in your arms and I will never, not even with my dying breath, reveal her name. 

Quit getting all worked up over all the "teleporting" in Game of Thrones. It's a fantasy show full of all sorts of crazy imaginary stuff. I don't see any of you throwing a fit every time a dragon flies by, or a zombie pops out of the ice, or a woman has an orgasm. 

Personal hygiene was very important in my house when I was a child."Brush until you see white, scrub until you you see pink, wipe until you see red."That's what my dear old mother used to say.We aren't currently speaking.

How the hell is Elyse still sick? Has she been rolling around in a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit full of anti-vaxer kids? She's basically the monkey from Outbreak at this point. I'd rather share an office with Charlie Sheen's corpse.

We all treasure having Elyse on the team. The other day we even chipped in and bought her one of those old Barbie Styling Heads at a yard sale. You should see how happy she is, brushing its hair and rubbing lipstick all over it. That thing'll keep her quiet for hours.

My awkward phase lasted from about 1989 to 1996. And then again from 2002-2005. Then for most of 2008, about 5 months of 2011, the entire Spring of 2013, and then finally from May of 2015 up until the typing of this sentence. 

I knew a guy in high school who once refused to make out with a girl just because she had recently eaten a pack of Lunchables. In high school, I would have thrown that same girl in front of a bus for just the mini Butterfinger.

"Okay, just show me the way to your houseplants and I'll get 'em nice and fed.""Can't you just leave me a bottle of the stuff and I can pour it in later?""Oooo... that really doesn't work for me. I kinda need to apply it myself. I don't want to bore you with the details. Oh! And if you could maintain eye contact with me the whole time but then immediately look away when I'm finished, that would be great."  

I don't think I'll ever get any tattoos. It's not because I'm afraid of the permanence or the pain. I just want to make sure that if I ever go to prison, the white supremacist who buys me has clean canvas to work on.

Don't talk to me about hard. Growing up on the mean streets of Santa Barbara, CA, I used to sing every word of "Mama Said Knock You Out" in front of the mirror while my dad braided my rat-tail.

What's the world coming to when a YouTube channel can't make fun of the deaf, and the blind, and abortions, and AIDS, and most races, and all religions, and dead celebrities, and dying celebrities, and dying non-celebrities, and, wait, did I say AIDS already, and Malala Yousafzai probably, and... look, I've got s*** to do. I'll finish this later.

My own modeling days were fraught with bouts of body dysmorphia, drug addiction, and crippling self-hatred. Plus, I could never get the decals to stick right. Wait. Did I say modeling? I meant model building.

INT - NBC HEADQUARTERS - 1988 "Johnson! Get in here! Alright, fill me in. What have we got lined up for that d***-nosed, cat-eating alien puppet?" "ALF, sir?" Well, so far we've given him a sitcom, 2 children's cartoons, a comic book, a TV movie, a trading card set, and four video games." "Hmm... make it six video games. Now be a lamb and help me dig this cocaine-filled condom out of my assistant's rectum."

This is it! The big Comments Show series finale! And yup, you guessed it! The whole series was actually taking place inside of a snow-globe in the hands of the young autistic son of Boston physician. *editors note: James and I are currently competing for "Least Timely Funhaus Pop Culture Reference of 2017". Your move, Willems.