Achievement Hunter Weekly Update (AHWU)

It's the first AHWU of 2017! The Achievement Hunter boys are ready to play with their new Christmas toys, which means high-powered shooty balls and tiny little drone babies. There's news, there's a tiny little games list, and certainly there's a fake game. There's also a description that makes the comments section go, "Boy howdy. That description game sure is on point." Well, maybe not this week. Still getting back into the groove from the holidays. Next week though. Maybe.

Hey! Do you think you gots what it takes to be an Achievement Hunter? It's not just all game and games all day long. Some days you come to work and you have to break bricks with your fucking face! Your coworkers are just going to slap you straight in the dome with a hard-ass brick. Maybe it'll snap in two, or maybe it'll bounce off. But one thing's for sure - you need to make sure your skull is thick enough so your brain's not caved in with a fucking brick! And if you can't handles the bricks, you ain't gonna handles the games. Also, please ignore that the "brick" is totally made of styrofoam. It makes the Achievement Hunter boys feel really really good about themselves.

This week we've got a special announcement regarding RTX Sydney. Who's gonna be there?! Watch to find out!

What the fuck are you doing down here? Seriously. Which do you prefer: reading a description of a video where Jeremy hurts himself, or watching a video where Jeremy hurts himself? You're just wasting perfectly good watching-Jeremy-get-hurt time. All I've got to say down here is that this is AHWU with the normal news and games and fake game and typical Achievement Hunter-type shanhooligans. One of those shenaynays may be referenced in the title. That same shanoodly may not go according as planned. And watching that shabibbily might be way more enjoyable than reading the description this week. But hey. If you'd rather read all these words instead of watch Jeremy hurt himself, that's cool too. Honestly, I'm flattered! You're too kind. But really, go back and watch Jeremy get hurt fifty times more. It's great.

Boy. Yes, you there, boy. Or are you a girl? These eyes aren't doing me much good these days. Come here and let this old, ragged man spin you a yarn, and also try to sell you some seeds! There was once a dark cave full of idiots that played games on their magical electric windows. These were the Achievement Hunters, and they were great..until they all died. Geoff the Drunkard's essence was scattered to the wind. Jack the Bearded's remains are said to be guarded by the fiercest of dragons. The others are somewhere too, but fuck those guys. I need to tell you about Jeremy the Short. Unlike the others, he has not been lost, no! In order to maintain his essence, he was fused with the finest flowers and sealed away in these here magic seeds. They say when the world needs Jeremy most, a gullible young boy (or girl) must buy these magic seeds and plant them. In 6-8 months, Jeremy the Short will be reborn as Plant Jeremy the Flower King - a most brave hero with flowers filling his mouth!

Look - there may be hundreds of mini balls, a huge water stain, three broken bottles of Ragu, a baby goat, 97 popped balloon corpses, super sticky taffy, chewed gum, granola crumblies, a wrecked scooter, rolls of duct tape, crescent roles, burnt documents, day-old Chinese takeout, packing peanuts, circus peanuts, regular peanuts, a spoon, a 1996 *NSYNC calendar, and a gravy boat littering this floor. And yes, I know that I was the one that put them there, but I'm not cleaning that up. All of that was for AHWU this week. That's called making quality content, and choosing to not clean it up is called giving this room some much-needed character. So nope! Ask me all you want. Not gonna clean it up.

The office is quiet...too quiet. Jeremy looks around and notices he's alone. "Where did everyone go? Oh well. Fuck it. I don't need anyone. I can do AHWU all by myself!" Jeremy set up the camera. He turned on the lights. And then he sat there, unsure of where to start. He sat there for 10, 20, then 30 minutes. Finally, he got up and opened the door to the office. "TREEEEVOOOOR. I KNOW YOU'RE SOMEWHERE IN THIS OFFICE. HEEEEEELP MEEEEE!"

Well look who's here! It's the best AHWU guest star since Kenan "AHLU" Thompson. We've got Christopher Walken in the house this week. Our little Walky pal's gonna take you through all the games releases and news you need to know right here in AHWU. He's definitely here and totally real, just like the Nintendo Switch we're about to go and play now that we got AHWU done. Whoo!

Today's the day. Today is the day that little AHWU grew into a man. It's learning how to shave. It's taking nice little female AHWUs out on dates. It has balls now, man! And real adult feelings. We're kidding. Just like us, AHWU doesn't have feelings. We turned AHWU into a robot - AHWU 2.0! Ryan ripped its chest cavity open and sucked out its blood. Now AHWU's filled with oil and gears. And probably a missile launcher or three. Also, mail! Lots and lots of delicious mail.

Hey kids! AHWU. Come and grab our sack! Big swords. One, two! And go on the attack! Swish and slash and hack! Make Gavin's skull go crack! OH GOD! YOU ACTUALLY DID IT! YOU ACTUALLY CAVED HIS HEAD IN! Get some bandages! And an ambulance! And a new bag of blood for Gavin. And a mop. We need to clean this blood up before it dries. WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT!?

GET GAVIN DOWN ON THE GROUND! Bag him. Tag him. Bring him here! Gavin Free, we know you've got slo mo secrets you're not sharing. Now we're gonna waterboard you until you tell us everything we want to know. Oh, what? We're out of water? Compressed air's exactly like water, right?

This morning, we here at Achievement Hunter got a suspicious package in the mail. White, unmarked, no return address. Throwing caution to the wind, we opened it anyway. Turns out we were the target of level-5 craft warfare - the glitter bomb. Now poor Jeremy can't even sit down without getting globs of glitter all over his butt cheeks.

Here's the mail It never fails It makes me want to wag my tail When it comes I want a whale No! That's total bullshit. When it comes, I want a fuckin' sword. Who the hell would want a whale? Whales are fucking massive! Where would we even fit a whale in this office? There's no doubt that we'd kill it. Maybe not intentionally, but you know none of us are gonna bother feeding it. Fuck whales. I don't want a fuckin' whale. Keep sending swords! That shit is awesome.

Super drunken 'Chievement Hunters Grumpy fuckin' 'Chievement Hunters Run amuck, Achievement Hunters Angry gamer assholes Drinking power! They're the world's most fearsome Let's Play Team They siphon booze straight into their bloodstream They really don't give a fuck And show Funhaus just how much they suck! Super drunken 'Chievement Hunters Grumpy fuckin' 'Chievement Hunters Geoffrey taught them to be mingy shits Jack Pattillo builds, Gavin is the slo-mo Brit Jeremy gives Ryan hell Michael Jones, you know, loves to fuckin yell Super drunken 'Chievement Hunters Grumpy fuckin' 'Chievement Hunters Run amuck, Achievement Hunters Angry gamer assholes Drinking power!

So it's pretty cool that you guys have been sending tons of awesome weapons for us to open up and play with on AHWU, but now I'm starting to feel a little unsafe. Now you've given Ryan a sharp knifey blade and a flippin' axe! I'm just going to hide behind this gigantic teddy bear and hope he doesn't notice me. Ohp! Ryan's cut off the head of the bear, and I think I'm next! Somebody send band-aids please. Lots and lots of band-aids!

Wowwe! We sure got a lot of teeny little posters this week. Ohp! That wasn't a poster at all! Now I'm covered in glitter. Sorry, hunting knife. Sorry cross bow. You guys are all glittery now too. Ooh look! Another tiny poster! Whoops! Sorry baby hat. Sorry, weapon rack. Ooohee! It's another mini poster tube! This one definitely has a poster in it. I can feel it.

Geoff's here to get his first taste of the ever-growing AHWU weapons cache, and now he's ready to cause all sorts of havoc. What (or who) will he destroy today?

Hello everyone! Descrippy Joe here...actually not really, I lied, I'm a terrible person. This is Descrippy Joe's neighbor, Descrippy Stan. Descrippy Joe left, he's out exploring the world. Anyway, I'm here to tell you about a rip-roaring fantastical episode of a little show called AHWU. The Achievement Hunter boys appear to be on a bus and they histerically do some of the show on the bus! Can you believe it! They do it on the bus, it's sooooooooooooo funny! What really puts it over the edge is that some british bloke names Gavin comes up with a crazy stunt for the end of the show. It's really spectacualar. So pack up all your belongings and hold on tight. It's going to be a bumpy ride down the good ole' Achievment Hunter bus of pain! Descrippy Stan signing out...*Mic Drip...CRAP...*Mic Drop

Thanks to the never-ending stack of AHWU weapons that need unboxing, there's now three Wolverine claws sitting in the office. United by their slashy hand blades, Achievement Hunter doesn't need to be Achievement Hunter anymore. Now, they are the Wolverines! Wooooooooolverines! Right now seems like an appropriate time for this here description to parody some big speech from Red Dawn, throwing in a couple of things like, "Hey bub," and, "Yo. We're Canadian now," to make it a Wolverine/Wolverine mashup. Mr. Google's saying there aren't really any cool speeches from Red Dawn, so I guess never mind. It would have been cool, though. Maybe even half as cool as our weapon pile.

Not many people know this, but Geoff has dreamed of being a world-class trumpet-playing jazz musician since he was a wee little Geoff. With the power of baby toys, he can finally do it! Most days, we unbox weapons. Some days, we unbox dreams. Thanks, AHWU contributors! Make plans to see Geoff play live in concert at the dumpster behind Carnegie Hall some time in 2018.

Today's AHWU is spent opening lots of fun toys. Some are dangerous, and others are even more dangerous. Just cross your fingers and hope no one gets maimed this time!

Do you love AHWU so much that you want to get it tattoo'd all over your face, but realize that would make you look like a freak? How about an AHWU shirt instead? Available June 2nd at store.roosterteeth.com​ It's Memorial Day, the day where people either memorialize the memorials or forgot about all that memorialization and just cook up some hot dogs like some sort of gosh darn, unpatriotic dick nose. If you're out grilling with family and friends today, gonna need something nice and refreshing to wash all those weenies down with. We suggest a good ol' barf soda or maybe a ranch soda to get them dogs down your gullet.

We get tons of gifts here at the Achievement Hunter office. Many talented fans like to send us their awesome, way-more-talented-than-us, pieces of art. You know, the usual stuff. Posters, drawings, figures, stuffed animals, blown-glass dildos. The usual stuff.

Hundreds of thousands of years ago, in the year 2017, there was a great pharaoh named Jeremy. Though his stature was that of a prepubescent boy, his mightiness towered over all other men. Every Monday (or Sunday for First members), he would declare it AHWU day - the day to display the lovely items he and his pals at the office were sent by the fans. Unbeknownst to Jeremy, the royal vizier, Gavin the Free, had other plans for Achievement Hunter. Feeling it was in need of a new ruler, he buried the pharaoh alive, unceremoniously wrapping him in toilet paper that a fan sent to the office. Today, the pharaoh lives, and he is piiiiiiiiiiissed. Jeremy is ready to rampage against any man who dares stand up to his wrath. The people of Earth know their only hope to stopping the evil mummy is Tom Cruise. Unfortunately, we only have Andy in a ninja mask. Hopefully that will do.

Achievement Hunter got a big, floppy rubber dick in the mail this week. They also got a meat cleaver. Now it's time to see if Ryan can give that rubber dong a healthy circumcision.

Achievement Hunter receives raver gear from China.

Achievement Hunter's brushing up on their pre-RTX etiquette and learning how not to be a dick

Achievement Hunter gets a special AHWU visit from Prez Donny T, "butt" they're not sure if he should be used as intended.

With all the crap that happens in Achievement Hunter on a daily basis, you never know when you'll need an extra pair of underoos. Now the next time Ryan takes an axe to Jeremy's boxers, he'll have a backup pair of big boy panties at the ready.

Jeremy takes AHWU from the corrupt! The rich! The oppressors of generations who have kept you down with myths of opportunity, and he gives it back to you... the people. AHWU is yours. No one knew who Jeremy was until he put on the mask. Forced to serve a life sentence for crimes he didn't commit, Jeremy was born and raised in an underground prison. He trained and (sort of) grew to his maximum potential without ever seeing the light of day. Thanks to plot convenience, he escaped to Austin, Texas, and is now on a quest to break the backs of every Achievement Hunter.

Thanks to Ryan, things get a little noisy in the Achievement Hunter office.

We're going in for the fan mail. So don't get caught." Chieve Trap! It's a zany action. A crazy contraption. The fun is catchin'. It's Chieve Trap!

Butcher Geoff knows that much like a fresh pig, there's lots of goodies deep inside the entrails of AHWU packages. There's tons of weapons, toys, and even weeny enhancers! Butcher Geoff also knows that much like a fresh pig, you have to use a big ol' meat cleaver in order to rip those packages clean open.

Ryan reads all the books, notes, and fan letters sent into AHWU this week (since Trevor very much can't read), and Michael grips it and rips it!

Achievement Hunter got a box of the loudest snap fireworks in existence, Torpedo Cracker Snaps. The warning label says not to throw them at anybody, so Geoff threw them at everybody.

In the aftermath of Hurricane Harvey, Houston is in great need of your help.

Achievement Hunter got a package of Fart Bag stink bombs today and thought it would be rude not to use them.

Achievement Hunter got another big, floppy dildy-boy in the mail and decided to show it what happens when fake weens wander into the office.

Geoff got some Tiger Balm and glooped it on his gonads. Now his balls are burning, his testes are toasting, and his sack is scorching.

It's time for AHWU in the spookiest month of the year! And what's spookier than bite-sized wang whistles?

Of all grenades, sound grenades are the worst! But this isn't the first time Michael has dealt with one, oh no.

Edible spray paint! Shiny and chrome. Does edible mean you should actually eat it? Maybe Trevor will see Valhalla sooner than we thought.

Rick and Morty has a special place in good ol' Jack's heart. He may have received a real life plumbus.

The Xbox 360 had ridiculous flashing lights caused by the red ring of death. Jeremy's Xbox One is flashing because of a bowling ball mishap.

To be a criminal mastermind, you need to be more than a thief. Everyone summon your inner ninja.

It's AHWU 395! Someone decided to light up Geoff's life, and now he has a scary, high-tech lighter to burn things with!

It's AHWU 396! Michael becomes the real life Mogar. His magical ice breath shines really bright.

It's AHWU 397! One lighter wasn't nearly enough for Geoff. Maybe 100 will do.

It's AHWU 398! Now that it's December, Gavin's getting a head start on wrapping "gifts" for Christmas.

It's AHWU 399! Everyone is showing off their hidden blades.

It's AHWU 400! Wow! Over the years, there's been fire, weapons, torture, and God knows what else. Why not celebrate AHWU's 400th birthday by watching all 400 episodes in a row? Then you can go on Jeopardy and impress Alex Trebek with all your fancy AHWU knowledge. I'm certain he'll ask questions about that.

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas. Santa Jack has arrived and is delivering presents! How much coal will Achievement Hunter get this year?