What if everybody had just finally managed to forget your smarmy son after he died fourteen months ago? Would you bring him up again? Would you really be “that guy”? You would, wouldn’t you. You’re like the person that brings up the Spice Girls just when everybody starts to feel good about music again. Listen, your kid Sam was such a crappy jackass that ALIENS made the long journey to Earth just to erase our memories of him running shirtless around the neighborhood. Now please shut up about him. Get a hobby. You could rejoin the country club now that they don’t remember Sam peeing in the pool. You can have a life again, lady! For Pete’s sake, don’t you know a good thing when you see it?

The setting is a bleak future-fifties where there is no robot Fonzie (or even a roomba Potsie) and dress codes require at least a three piece suit for all activites from mowing the lawn to space travel. In this frightening dystopia the one secret to success is in your jeans, er, that should be genes. I must have been thinking of Pornattaca. So any way, this one guy borrows a ladder and apparently forgets to return it, so he has to swim laps with his brother and work at Gattaca, the most prestigious pun-based space-travel organisation the retro-future has to offer, with Quinton McHale. On top of that Mr. Monk makes him wear erector sets on his legs until he can't pee on his own and he has to hire a guy to do it for him. It all leads to this exciting scene where...wait, Pornattaca again. Gattaca just leads up to more swimming. Except that the professional pee man, who's like a cross between Sky Captain and a bicycle, ends up on the wrong end of the George Foreman grill of the future--but that's not as exciting as it sounds. Ok, honestly, we can't really say this one is a turkey. But the pacing is slower than traffic in a Furr's cafeteria parking lot, so we decided to take a shot at it. There is no denying, at any rate, that it's a heck of a lot funnier with a QuipTrack. So download it now!

Goku is a [-wild jungle boy-] teenager with [-inhuman strength and an insatiable hunger-] a grandpa. He lives [-alone-] in shame, fending for himself against [-countless dinosaurs and other man-eating creatures-] bullies. The [-naïve, monkey-tailed-] jacketed fighter’s life [-changes-] continues when he meets Bulma, a girl who is on a [-quest-] quick errand to collect seven “Dragon Balls,” one of which just happens to be Goku’s most [-prized-] round possession. With all seven Dragon Balls, Bulma hopes to [-summon the powerful dragon Shen Long and have her one wish granted-] be famous. But the precious orbs are scattered all over the [-world-] immediate area, and Bulma needs Goku’s help! With a [-magic staff for a weapon-] shirt and a [-flying cloud for a ride-] pair of pants, Goku sets out on the [-adventure-] sequence of events of [-a lifetime-] about an hour and twenty minutes…

After escaping a secret mountaintop Rogaine testing facility, Aang (some kid) encases himself in a large underwater ice sphere for one hundred years, successfully shutting up David Blaine once and for all. After being freed by Sokka (the guy that's Jasper in Twilight), a wannabe tiger seal poacher; and Katara (a fan of Jasper in Twilight), his narrator, Aang is discovered to be the missing Avatar, a person that is destined to be onscreen for most of the time. But the evil Prince Zuko has made it his goal to capture the Avatar, although it's not made clear why. After Zuko kidnaps Aang from the Water Nation elderly farm, Sokka and Katara discover that their destiny is to provide exposition to the audience through stilted conversations with various old people. Once reuinited with Aang, the three of them set out to learn and spread the spiritual ways of Shyamalanism, thus fixing the world. NOTE: The Last Airbender should not be confused with the animated series of the same name. Any similarities between the two are strictly coincidental.

In the first years of the 21st century, solely in response to "I've Got a Feelin'" by the Black Eyed Peas, feelings of any kind were prohibited by law. Now the people of Libria have nothing to do besides concoct ridiculous new martial arts, the apex of these efforts being "Gunkata", which is exactly like gunfighting but while surrounded and standing completly still. It is with this infallible fighting style that Third Concillery Tetragrammaton Cleric John Preston (Batman) hopes to irradicate the rebelious parasites stirring up unwanted feelings in the Nethers of Libria. But he also came up with a cool new way to hold a sword so he uses that too sometimes. Everything changes for Preston when he misses his twice-daily dose of Prozium 2 (the sniffling, feeling, crying, laughing, fury, least angry you ever got at a dictator medicine). Free of the drugs suppressing his emotions, Preston discovers the simple joy of handrails, the prettiness of a rainbow, and the cuddly-wuddlyness of puppies. But he's still super bad ass.

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. He also made aliens at this point but totally forgot to use them. But that's all about to change, because visionary blowhard M Night Shyamalan, in associaton with the LORD, has crafted a brilliant plan so convoluted and complicated that it's just GOTTA be profound. Graham Hess, an ex-priest, never forgave God for taking his wife from him. Having hung up his clerical collar for good, Graham, who is known to burn meat and is constantly suspicious of the possibly fictitious Wolfington Brothers, now lives with his son Morgan, a paranoid asthmatic; his daughter Bo, who leaves water glasses around the house half-full (or half-empty, if you're the pessimistic type); and his brother Merrill, who swings bats at stuff. These are the characteristics that M Night pulled out of his trait jar for this movie, and it's these characteristics that Graham and his family will need to clunkily utilize in order to survive Thursday's big alien invasion. And if THAT won't bring back Graham's faith, God's out of ideas.

A QuipTrack 65 million years in the making, or at least it seemed that way to us. It really only took us five. It's Jurassic Park: the Fifth Anniversary, Final, Ultimate, Third-Time's-the-Charm, Absolutely-the-Very-Last-One Edition! Don'cha just hate technology? When it's not burning your toast or pocket-dialing your ex, it's re-animating dinosaurs at the whims of an eccentric old entrepreneur. I can't wait for somebody to invent the time machine so I can go back and punch the inventor of technology in the gonads. Anyway, it's because of the afore-mentioned entrepreneur that noted bone-brusher-offer Allan Grant finds himself on Isla Nublar participating in a test run of Jurassic Park: a magical place filled with living breathing dinosaurs that children of all ages will never forget--even after years of therapy. Along for the trip is his acquaintance and girlfriend Ellie Sattler, who apparently never says no to a couple of bottles of wine; the startlingly bizarre Ian Malcolm, who wouldn't even take a lungful of oxygen without first checking with Mother Nature; a little boy who loathes Grant's book almost as much as everybody loathes him; a wannabe computer hacker; and a lawyer whose life is cut almost as short as his leg wear. Well, the most ridiculous and crappy plans of carnivores and men often go awry, and when somebody neglects to hold onto their butt, Grant and Co. are put in jeopardy, not only from gargantuan lizards but also from the movie's crew itself! Continuity and location shift relentlessly as our heroes struggle to survive from one inconsistent shot to the next! Will they foil Spielberg and survive to collect their paychecks? It doesn't really matter what happens because with our QuipTrack you'll be ROFLing through the whole movie like a parasalolophus!