Demo Wheel

I'd like to pleasure my self to thoughts of Velma's heaving bosom, but every time I close my eyes Phyllis Diller and the Harlem Globetrotters show up to kill the mood.

Who do I gotta ear-f**k to get an entire member exclusive episode of Demo Wheel, anyway? What? Nobody? It's already finished. Well, if you change your mind, feel free to bring those wrinkled, waxy little beauties around here any time.

Man, in high school I had those giant chunky skate shoes, the baggy pants, backwards hat, and half the Blind catalog in my closet. A skateboard? Are you nuts? Those things are dangerous.

Roller coasters, Tom Clancy, and mom feet are all here to make you slightly sick in this week's members only episode of Demo Wheel!

"The NeverEnding Story is the moving tale of a level headed, hard-working father's quest to get his p***y son to throw away his sci-fi books and quit crying about his dumb dead mom. It's no This Boy's Life, but a solid attempt at an underrepresented genre. 5 Stars!" - James Willems

It's in videos like this that Jacob's background as an unlicensed freelance monotreme urologist comes in pretty handy.

Other side effects may include cystic acne, hair loss, jaundice, infertility, and a rare but serious condition known as Sudden Wrestler's Family Death Syndrome.

Sometimes I wish it was still 2016 so I could title this Set Phasers to Cum, or Spum, or something equally hilarious. But having a wife and kids is cool too, I guess.

Jacob's new favorite sex act is called "The Love Coaster." It's basically just foreplay but you have to keep your hands and feet inside your partner at all times.

You know if this was the old version of the show we would've titled this "The South Mouth of Sauron", then broken our wrists high-fiving each other for the rest of the day.

The position is called "Amazon Style" and while it may seem a little emasculating, there's nothing more manly than having your d*ck snapped in two by the slightest of missteps.

Somewhere right now sits a very confused Jacob Fullerton, climaxing uncontrollably into his Destiny chonies every time these boys say the word "cloaca."

People fantasizing about f***ing a cartoon bunny is childish and absurd, especially when there are so many real rabbits out there who are ready to go.

Well, that about does it for this season of Demo Wheel. Time for you to wipe off your bellies, clear your search histories, and try to look your families in the eye again.