The Naked Pilgrim

The pilgrimage begins in Paris, once Brian has negotiated the Dover-Calais ferry in his Mercedes, and wrenched his thoughts from candid recollections of his past sexual conquests. Among the things catching Brian's attention in the city are the stained glass in the Sainte Chapelle, cod Byzantinesque architecture at the Sacré-Cœur, dubious street artists in Montmartre, and the 'point zero' of the Camino de Santiago outside the cathedral of Notre Dame de Paris.

Brian begins the official pilgrimage route through northern France in his Mercedes, stopping to visit cathedrals at Chartres and Orleans, decrying the wisdom of guide books and pondering the significance of holy relics in Christian history. Along the way Brian meets fellow pilgrims, who make him feel increasingly uncomfortable about his lapsed Catholicism, and touch him with their sincerity and faith.

What does one do in Bordeaux? One drinks too much red wine of course; never let it be said that Brian Sewell is afraid of cliche. In Poitiers the relic-ante is upped once again, and then Brian takes a detour to the greatest modern French pilgrimage site - Lourdes (or, as Brian describes it, "Catholic Disneyland").

Brian crosses the Pyrenees on the Camino de Santiago, and passes from France into northern Spain. Hurrying through Navarre for fear of the bestial locals, and rather regretting a fishing trip in a small boat in choppy weather, Brian finally finds refuge in the stunning Guggenheim museum at Bilbao - a place of 20th century pilgrimage.

The Camino de Santiago has now taken Brian deep into northern Spain. He explores the role of St James as Matamoros ('Moor-slayer') while puzzling over the highly fretted interior of Burgos cathedral. At Fromista, by contrast, we find a truly pristine example of Romanesque church architecture, but at Leon, while Brian does find the cathedral, he can't face going in, choosing instead to prop up a local tapas bar.

On horseback now, Brian arrives at the end of his pilgrimage along the Camino de Santiago, in time for the climactic celebrations of St James's day. Any more description here would be a spoiler ...