Achievement Hunter Weekly Update (AHWU)

Your first new year's Jack is a special new year's Jack. Be sure, before embracing your first New Year's Jack, to find some place secluded. The bathroom or your bedroom should suffice. If you share a bedroom with someone, be sure to get their consent before you get your first New Year's Jack on right in front of them. They may, after all, want to have their first New Year's Jack simultaneously as you have your first New Year's Jack. With you. Together. As a couple. Haha! Intimate Jack moment.

This week on AHWU: Wake up you sleepy head Put on YouTube, shake up your bed Put another HUNT on the screen for me I've made some wet bread and coffee Look in my subbox and what do I see A Jack in the sky and his beard reaching down to me All the hunters came today And it looks as though they're here to stay What are we coming to No Geoff for me, no Ryan for you I think about a world to come Where the videos were missing the Gavin ones Let's Play in pain, Let's Play in awe By a room of men who questioned What to play and record All the hunters came today And it looks as though they're here to stay Oh you 'Chievement Hunts Don't you know you're driving your Burnies and Hullums insane Oh you 'Chievement Hunts Don't you know you're driving your Burnies and Hullums insane Let me make it plain Gotta make up for the Funhaus Inferior

Councilmen, I stand before you not only as your queen. I come to you as a Geoff. I come to you as a Jack. I come to you as an Achievement Hunter. I come to you with great humility. I am not here to represent Matt or Burnie. Their actions speak louder than my words ever could. I am here for all those voices which cannot be heard. Gavin, Michael, Ryan, Jeremy, Matt. Three hundred families that bleed for our rights. And for the very principles this Let's Play room was built upon. We're making dumb videos on the internet where we play video games, gentlemen. We must send the entire Achievement Hunter army to aid our king in the preservation of not just ourselves, but of our video games. Send the army for the preservation of Xbox. Send it for PC. Send it for PS4 and Wii U, sure, why not? Send it for VR. But most importantly, send our army for hope. Hope that a Geoff and his men have not been wasted to the pages of history. That their courage bonds us together.

Buying bread from a man in Brussels He was six-foot-four and full of muscles I said, "Do you speak-a my language?" He just smiled and gave me a Vegemite sandwich And he said, "Look, Mr. Hay. I understand your confusion, since the majority of our population speaks French and Dutch. But you do realize you're in a coffee shop in the lobby of the Australian Embassy in Brussels, don't you? You were invited here - an invitation that came to you in English, I might add. Shouldn't you assume we "speak-a" your language here? I mean come on! You know what? I don't have time for this. Just eat your Vegemite and be on your way. But first, please sign this. No, not the receipt. This pre-release promotional copy of Business as Usual. I'm a big fan of your work, primarily because I myself am an Australian. Which is to say I come from a land down under Where beer does flow and men chunder Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder? You better run, you better take cover."

With an AHWU title like "Gav-In-the-Box," you were probably expecting some sort of re-write of "Pop! Goes the weasle," weren't you? Well screw that noise. Do you know how freakin' hard it would be to rhyme Gavin with pretty much anything? Something like, "Man at the bar came up to me And asked 'What you be havin?' I said 'How 'bout a banger -no mash' Pop! Goes the Gavin!" Not only is this rhyme not particularly entertaining, but it also got a wee bit too penis-y. So nope. It's not worth it. Nobody's poppin' Gavin on AHWU this week.

This week on AHWU: Bubble bubble - that wrap is trouble When in Gav's hand, leave on the double Or else you'll end up clinged to Jack And preferrably, you'd rather hack off your own leg than stay right there As you and Jack become a pair Skin cells growing, quick combining But maybe there's a silver lining Do you know any twins - conjoined Who have been smart and jointly coined A co-op vibe to rake in views And end up on the nightly news? So maybe it would not be bad If that were now the life you had Wrap me now! Let two be one As Jack and I have co-op fun

This week on AHWU: his is the closest we're getting to AHWU - Valentine's Day 2016 Edition. That means oodles and oodles of wieners everywhere. Flying through the air. All over the floor. All up in Geoff's mouthspace. Gavin literally chokes on one in this episode. If that's not a Valentine's gift, I don't know what is.

This week on AHWU: The Achievement Hunter men are chuckin' away lots of stuff this week. Pillows. Pillows potentially filled with rocks. Reese's Pieces. Tootise Rolls. Their chances of ever getting a job at any other company...

This week on AHWU: Jack's gallavanting around in Mickeyville, USA right now doing Lord knows what. Michael's got a severe case of the pukes. Ryan's been excommunicated from AHWU. Gavin's probably making another commercial for an airline or whatever. That just leaves Geoff to be Mr. AHWU this week. Yes, Jeremy's there too, but then who would take Jeremy's place of being the guy in the background of AHWU?

This week on AHWU: Green Day Geoff can't wear Green Day Geoff shirts, so Rooster Teeth is making sure to get Geoff some Geoff-approved shirts that Geoff can wear. Maybe one of those is a Green Day Geoff shirt, like a "21st Geoff-ury Breakdown" type dealio. Just a picture of Geoff kissing Geoff. And this is precisely why video description writers are separate jobs from merchandise design makers.

This week on AHWU: It's Pi Day, but Jack and Geoff don't have any pie. Fucking losers. Maybe for 314? That'll be AHWU pie. There's still hope they can fix this travesty. Since it's Pi Day, go listen yourself some Pi by Hard 'N Phirm, the most well-balanced song about math, God slaughtering things or whatever, and also gettin' laid casually and multiple times. Because I KNOW THIS PI SHIT BACKWARDS AND FOREWARDS. Word.

This week on AHWU: This is the stalling song Everybody sing along When will our Geoff arrive so AHWU time can really thrive? This is the stalling song Not too short but not too long Maybe we'll get come beer And then lure Geoff right over here. This is the stalling song Under these pants I'm in a thong That was a little joke Thongs cost money and I'm broke Oh. Sup Geoff? You want this mic? Were you standing off to the side this whole time and not coming over here just so I'd look stupid for AHWU? Yeah? That's what I expected. Okay, cool.

AHWU has often been a catalyst for Achievement Hunter fan fiction prompts. Putting dicks in mouths. Humping for decades. Touching tips. Blasting nips. Full frontal nudity. Sex on camera. Getting a finger full of sweet sweet glaze. The list goes on and on. But today may be the ultimate fan fiction dream: Half of AHWU is Geoff getting blown by Gavin, and the other half is Jack taking balls in the mouth. Don't worry. Matt gets a mouthful of balls too. Trevor, Matt, and Jeremy also get blown all at once. Enjoy. (Insert winky face emoji here)

Geoffstorm, Jack me away from the norm' You've got to tell me something News and games, you had to put it in a song And it goes like Whoa! AHWU is the color of your energy Whoa! Shades of green display naturally And then something about a thousand ships or whatever. I'm not familiar enough with 311 to keep this description going. As it is, AHWU's so late today that the April 4th in the title's a lie, unless you're in the Pacific timezone or in Hawaii maybe. Not that in matters in the grand scheme of the universe, so no biggie. Biggie smalls, even. All the same, cue your "Last time I was this late, I had to consult a pregnancy test" jokes, YouTube comment section.

So turns out the first AHWU was released on March 4, 2010, but now it's early April and we're just at our sixth birthday mark. Apparently we can't math right, but fuck it. It's our sixth birthday, and this is our party. And you better have brought us some damn good gifts. Like the good liquor - the sixty bucks a bottle shit. And a pony. A big, majestic pony. Ooh! And a Mickey Mouse 16 inch Big Wheel Racer - I know you saw it on my fuckin' Amazon wish list. This is birthday time, and I demand to be treated like King Birthday Boy, dammit. But for real, thanks for watching AHWU for six years (in Achievement Hunter time) - and a little more than that in real people time. Keep on watching, and maybe Burnie will finally give you that peanut he promised so long ago.

Michael's brought in a lot of new, extremely sharp and relatively dangerous toys to the Achievement Hunter office. Gavin also has a new, dull-in-the-sharpness-sense-but-not-dull-in-the-excitement-sense toy to bother people with as well. Nobody is safe. Not Geoff. Not Jack. And certainly not Gavin's desk.

Geoff, Jack, and Jeremy all got sick from the Pax. Michael's flying back from far off lands. Who knows where Gavin's at. Ryan hates AHWU. That means today, AHWU host extraordinaires Matt and Trevor are here to provide all of this week's games and news. Well, that's if they can read some Shifty scribbles, which is unlikely.

Tiny bubbles (AHWU bubbles) In the office (from the Gavin) Make me happy (cept for Geoffy) Make me feel fine (bubbles of mine) Tiny bubbles (AHWU bubbles) Make me warm all over With a feeling that I'm gonna Hunt Chievs till the end of time So here's to the recording room And here's to Achievement City And mostly here's videos To you from me So here's to the Gavvy Free I give to you today And here's a kiss That will not fade away smooch

Join Jack, Michael and Jeremy for a special week of AHWU. Witness Jeremy disappearing and see a sneak peak of Uncharted 4.

Join Geoff and Jack in this week's special episode of AHWU. Witness Geoff's epic wait for Trevor, and find out if Trevor gets fired or not. In addition, Achievement Hunter finds someone shorter than Jeremy!

This week, Jeremy finds himself in a sticky situation. Typically, that means finding a song online about stickiness and changing the lyrics to be Achievement Hunter oriented. Turns out The Rolling Stones had an album called Sticky Fingers. Didn't know that - more of a Beatles guy myself. But hey - Sympathy for the Devil's a pretty cool song, which is not on Sticky Fingers. But Jeremy's fingers are probably sticky fingers right now - actual fingers, not the album. Not sure finger skin could be turned into a vinyl record. At least hopefully not. Gross.

This week in AHWU, Jack and Michael cover all the hip top new games for the week and all the news that Jack could find before heading out for a three-day weekend. This week in AHWU descriptions, do Memorial Day songs exist? Like, a song that specifically calls out Memorial Day by name? I guess war-based songs could work. A quick search on the ol' Googlies for "Memorial Day songs" pulled up Bob Dylan's "Masters of War." So maybe a lyrical switch up of "Masters of War," but like..."Masters of Games"? But then does that become offensive to all of those that we're memorializing on this day, Memorial Day? That's certainly no bueno. So I guess rather than do that, maybe just the description can be a rambling ramble-on about how that was a bad idea. All the cool kids like meta-commentary, right? Or maybe just keep in simple. AHWU! GAMES! NEWS! URRY WEEK! HAVE AT IT!

This week in AHWU, there's the typical games and news and other such tomfoolery. Also Geoff still coming to terms with being a Hufflepuff. And can you blame him? You have Gryffindor, known for their courage and ability to have Dumbledore rig the points system so they unjustly win the house cup. Then there's Ravenclaw, the house of smarts and such. You also have Slytherin, where they're pretty much sneaky Gryffindors who also enjoy sliding around on their bellies. So what does that leave Hufflepuff with? Being around and doing weird stuff behind closed doors, probably? Or maybe getting called out in court for "badger"ing the witness. Poor Geoff - there's just no escape from your Huffle Pufflage.

Jack and Ryan are already out at E3, but didn't take the camera with them to do an E3 AHWU like a couple of dumb idiots. It's up to Geoff, Jeremy, and Michael to bring the E3 experience to Austin! They're got electronics. They're got entertainment. Let's have an expo! Get ready to press some conferences, boys! Or at the very least, maybe break a chair. This is E3 - hard-fucking-core.

While the crew was out at Let's Play Live, the office AC unit may have broke. Now the Achievement Hunter boys are back and hotter than ever. And what will you see these hot boys do today? Gavin slathering Jeremy with his balls, that's for sure! Also Gavin making sure Jack get blown during this week's news segment. Also also Gavin violating Jack's face with his mighty five-pound cummy worm. Whoops. Typo. Meant to write gummy worm. GUMMY worm. Watch it once. Watch it twice. Watch it ten times more. This AHWU is hot HOT HOT!!!

It's the week of RTX 2016, hope to see you all there!

The sky is cryin' Jack and Geoff nowhere in sight The sky is cryin' Matt and Trevor AHWU - that's alright I've been looking for my Geoffy And I wonder where can he be I saw my Geoffy early one morning He was stumbling on down the lane I saw my Jacky early one morning He said "Fuck AHWU, that shit's a pain" You know it hurt me, hurt me so bad, yeah Made my poor heart skip a beat Help me now I've got a real, real bad feelin' That my Geoffy, he don't love me no more I've got a real, real bad feelin' That my Jacky don't love me no more You know the sky, the sky's been cryin', yeah Can't see the tears past Gavin's nose.

It's the bottom of the ninth. Two outs. Geoff on second and Ryan on third. Here he comes, The Royale British Thunder himself, number 87, Gavin Free.

After reading last week's description of the epic showdown between The Royale British Thunder and Captain Fast Hands, Michael "The Desperado Demolisher" Jones felt super left out - excluded from the Baseball Achunter Little League. Rather than ask to be admitted into the league, he picked up the nearest blunt object and decided to beat the shit out of each and every possible thing in sight. As they say: If you can't join them, fuckin' BEAT THEM! So much horror and death and carnage to behold - and there was still so much swinging left to do. With all of Achievement Hunter dead (save for Michael - who some say still rampages to this very day), there is no doubt that this moment marked the end of the very very very short-lived Baseball Achunter Little League.

At the dawn of time, the only form of tower-based stack-n'-fall funs that humanity had was simple Jenga. With the rise of capitalism, the bourgeoisie devised new forms of Jenga to sell to the dim-witted proletariat, such as Donkey Kong jenga and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Jenga. Then, as predicted by Darwinian evolution, Jenga slowly changed into the a hulking beast known only as Real Man's Jingle. But in 2016, the public had grown tired of what Jenga had become naturally. Science and engineering were forced to commit heinous crimes against humanity, combining man and Jenga, practically spitting in the very face of God. Now witness the horrible monstrosity known as Jeremy Jenga - the thing that was once a man but is now just a British man's plaything. The horror! The terror!

Witness the birth of the newest member of the Achievement Hunter crew - wee little Box Boy. And now his youthful excitement for all things is quickly and forcefully drained out of his eyeballs - literally drained out. OH LORDY! They're stabbing out his eyes! Watch in horror as the cardboard blood trickles out the empty sockets! Now he's being decapitated from Jeremy's surrogate body! What kind of monsters would do such a thing? Rest in peace, little Box Boy. 2016-2016 - no living relatives to mention. Funeral service will be held this Friday, August 5th, wherever you may find dead cardboard boxes with faces drawn on them. Rest well, little angel. You have been unshackled from the pains of this mortal world.

Today was a sad today for Achievement Hunter. Michael was robbed by our beloved remote control police car Mr. Sirens. We weren't sure if the car was looking for ransom. We let it know that we had no more money, but what we did have were a very particular set of skills. Skills we had acquired over many years of shenanigans. Skills that will give it nightmares and if it let Michael go, that would be the end of it. But if it didn't let him go, we would look for it, we would find it, and we would kill it. Thankfully Michael was ok since he wasn't "Taken" too far away, but we had to let Mr. Sirens go. Hopefully he can find employment elsewhere.

The Achievement Hunter crew make sure their sticks are in and their balls are out. With their shiny new stick holder, all the swords, bats, clubs, rods, and other phallic objects around the office can be easily stored in a nifty little container. Plus, balls! Who doesn't love it when the balls come out during an AHWU? Who doesn't love it when those balls get all over the room and get all over people's faces? I know I do!!

Some time between leaving Let's Play Live Chicago and getting to work this morning, Gavin caught a terrible case of Tiger Woods. Now Gavin is filled with illusions of grandeur. Every time Gavin sees a hole, he has an unquenchable urge to smack a golf ball into it. And, of course, there's no other hole Gavin is more acquainted with than Geoff's butthole.

Jack Pattillo and his bucket of news are missing this week, Ryan is still banned for life from AHWU, and Geoff's not going to bother. That means it's up to the younger half of Achievement Hunter to bring you the news. News in the office. New in the hallway. News outside. If AHWU wasn't recorded and released in the same day, maybe the news could have even been delivered from Oklahoma or whatever other state the news team may have traveled to. Maybe it could have been delivered right outside your home! It wasn't, but it could have been, because this is news that travels. Right now, just down the hallway and outside in the parking lot. But later, the sky's the limit. It's the World Class Traveling News Team bringing the news to you wherever they feel like delivering it from.

The AH boys are giving you all the games and news all y'alls need for Labor Day 2016! What? Were you expecting some sort of intricate description. F' that. It's Labor Day. Taking the day off.

Fulfilling every fan fiction writer's wildest dreams, Jeremy and Chair have finally become a thing this week: Chairemy. Witness Chairemy's first date: down the hall, past all the nasty crickets, and through the parking lot. Witness a tale of blossoming love, wild passion, betrayal, a chair getting ridden - hard - and Jeremy taking a roll in the hay. It's hot. It's sexy. It's chub-inducing. You're gonna love it.

It's not a true episode of AHWU unless at least one Achievement Hunter is left on the brink of death. Today's lucky employee is Trevor Collins! Watch him get bagged, tagged, and Matt Bragged! Or at least one of those three. Fortunately, Trevor made it through the episode alive. That means he can tell you all about Achievement Hunter's search for an animator!

By day, he's Slow Mo Brit Boy Gavin Free. But at night, Gavin wraps a homemade Achievement Hunter blankie around his neck and becomes the powerful Achieveman. Turns out, that was no ordinary blanket sent into the office. It was an achievement cape filled with incredible power! And what power does our boy have now? Why, he can pretend to fly around the room and blazing speeds! ... and that's about it. Maybe it's just an ordinary blanket after all.

Jack and Geoff are out somewhere across the somewhere, so Michael and Jeremy are ready to bringing you all the game releases and Jack-i-fied news stories your brain can handle this Monday. Aww here it goes Everybody out there go run and tell Your homeboys and home girls it's time for Kleenan, no Kel They mispronouncing this show, AHLU So add in that L, fuck the double U. Now Michael's into something It's fun and you don't wanna miss it It's Little J, shortest man in two block radius Michael and J or should I say L and Lichael But you gotta watch Kleenan 'coz Kleenan be scheming With a plan or a plot To make L tippy-top But it's kinda in the middle 'Coz the H is what ought This ain't the Haus of Fun or Elyse Willems mystery It's just Kleenan adding Ls in your vicinity Like llama and linguine or pisa tower leany When really just needing H like in Houdini Kleenan's in trouble Aww here goes A-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ieve-ment-hunt

Jack, Michael, and Gavin are ready to bring you all the hip hoppinest news and hot fire new game releases you need to know about this week...just like they do every week. It's AHWU!Laika's a pretty rad company with all their sweet-ass stop motion animation stuff. But holy fuck does it take a long time to make those movies. Here at Achievement Hunter, we thought we'd help Laika out this week by making a sequel to The Boxtrolls. Certainly, we have plenty of boxes. And sure, Geoff can be the troll in this scenario.Step 1 - Put Geoff in a box. Step 2 - Put that box in a box. Step 3 - Record it for 90 minutes. Step 4 - Print it. Ship it. Boom. Done. Million dollars on the table.

Last week, AH sent their finished Boxtrolls 2 movie off to Laika Entertainment. "Hot fuck!" exclaimed Reginald Laika, head of Laika. "This shit's hot fire. We're going to make so much money putting this in theaters. These AH boys are the cat's pajamas. They're exactly the right type of creative voice that Hollywood needs right now." Reginald picked up the phone and called his best friend, Steven Spielberg. "Spielyboy! I know you've been thinking about doing a follow-up to the BFG. These AHs are exactly the crew you're looking for to. They’ll bring your vision to the screen in ways you can’t even dream!" "I'm not taking any charity from you, Laika. I'll find my own group of Let's Players to help me create my future movies. Like these Funhaus boys. They're the future of cinema, you nitwit. Fuck you and never call me again!" Unfortunately, AH was never informed that Spielberg turned them down, so they shot the whole thing over the weekend.

Sup bitches! We got quite a games list this week. Titanfall 2? Yeah, we'll do a Let's Watch. Skyrim Special Edition? Yeah, we'll do a Let's Watch. World of Final Fantasy? Gonna Let's Watch it up! Windlands VR? Yeah...fuckin' Let's Watch there too! CakeCakeCake? Yeah. Let's Watch! Geoff Ramsey Strangle Simulator 2016? You bet your ass we're doing a Let's Watch in that. Butts and Nuts Remastered? Yes yes yes. Let's Watch City. Overcrotch: Orgies Edition? We'll definitely do a Let's Watch in that. But Dragonball Xenoverse 2? No. Fuck that. That's where we cross the line. We have standards, dammit!

Jack and Geoff went all out for this year's Halloween and decided to make the best costumes they possibly could. Geoff's in a very impressive Michael-wearing-a-knight-costume costume, and Jack's in the Jeremy-wearing-a-casual-apple-costume costume. Don't ask how we squished all of Jack down into that Jeremy costume. It....it wasn't pretty. Happy Halloween, make sure to stick tons of razer blades into candy tonight, and enjoy all the game news/game releases/Achievement Hunter tom foolery you can handle. It's AHWU!

It's AHWU! The show where you get all your game news, game releases, and other such Achievement Hunter messabouts. And that's it for the description. Every week, Kent comes over to my desk and goes, "Write me a funny AHWU description please." But fuck that guy. If he wants a better description this week, he can write it himself. Fine! Kent here... Um...Here's AHWU.

It was the Monday morning after Extra Life. The Achievement Hunter boys came back to the office, ready to pretend the weekend didn't happen. Everyone was hoping to work and pretend everything was normal. Everyone except Trevor, who wasn't there for reasons obvious to anyone who had been watching the stream. It was time to record AHWU. Jeremy and Jack couldn't even look each other in the eyes. Everything that happened was for the kids...but at what cost?

Look out for brand new holiday merch in the Rooster Teeth store starting Wednesday. New items and doorbusters galore through Cyber Monday! store.roosterteeth.com This week, it's fast AHWU! Also, an equally fast description.

It's the week after Thanksgiving and everyone's still tucked in bed nursing their food comas. Who's ready for some cybering Monday and buying all that sweet, sweet tech at slightly lower prices?!

Geoff knew it was AHWU day, so he decided to play hooky. Jack legitimately was sick, his runny nose running every which way. Gavin had to have an emergency slomogectomy. Jeremy was tongue tied after laying down some fresh new rhyme beats. Ryan has been forbidden from AHWU for a millennia. And Michael...Michael just didn't care. That means it's time for AHWU to be AHWU'd by your absolute favorite Achievement Hunters: Matt, Trevor, Andy, Shifty Larry, Kent, Steffie, Ashley, and Neal. They're gonna be slapping, sucking, stomping, newsing, taping, and shooting their way into your hearts all day long. All night long. All week long. All year long. And forever. It's AHWU!

America's favorite Brit, Gavin Free, has 80 fluid ounces of cleany cleany squirt juice. Only problem is - the goopy squirter is super broken. How is Gavin supposed to clean his hands? Maybe with the power of a bat. Or a golf club...

With the holidays quickly approaching, some of the guys just don't know how to hold in their excitement. Michael tends to talk more, Jeremy is more inclined to start doing gymnastics again (so he can climb to the top of his Christmas tree) and Gavin just likes to catch things on fire. Classic Gavin, always catching things on fire. The computers have all been burnt next door. The Bungalow is nothing but dust and ashes. And now...oh God. He's here...he's in the support room, OH MY GOD! HEL-

Michael and Jack found out no one made an AHWU, so they made one! Now that you have one, Michael is going to play with the gun he bought for Lil J - because Christmas.