In preparation for a visit by the Russian Under-minister of Culture, the Headmaster orders in various exhibits from the Victoria & Albert museum, hoping to pass them off as the pupils’ handiwork. Meanwhile, a booby-trapped bottle of whisky almost starts World War III!

The Head is told he is eight years in arrears with the rent for the school playing fields, and that consequently the land has been sold for industrial development. With his protests falling on deaf ears, Jim impersonates the proposed factory owner in a bid to enlist support from the villagers

In need of money to settle outstanding bills, Jim decides to make use of an unwanted Greek statue. He sends out letters requesting donations for the purchase of a memorial to spurious old boy, Samuel Upjohn.

Keen to once again host the annual village fête, Prof. Edwards promises a performance of the Chiselbury floral dance, con-ducted by Mr. Halliforth. When the boys discover they will be dressing up as flowers, a sit-down strike is called.

Charles Phipps’ father wagers £50that the Headmaster cannot outwit his son within a month. Jim arranges a public flogging for Phipps, until he finds something worth more to him than money — the perfect wife.

Jim pays his staff using the money given to him for the purchase of a sports day trophy. A cup is ordered on approval from the jewellers, with the Head relying on his champion to win the race. But hopes are not high as Mr. Pettignew dons his running togs.