Brian and Jason have both authored books, so to better understand what people find valuable in them, they had to take a closer look...

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Brian and Jason had to come to terms with the fact that they're old now, they were left pondering "How do we resonate with the youths?" Obviously this led to recruiting their resident 50 Cent expert, Trever, to review 50's seminal legacy: that 360/PS3 game.

Jason showed up in his Egyptian garb. "No! Not pharaoh, I said arrow!" Brian exclaimed. Jason then showed up in his Taxi Driver outfit. "Not De Niro, I said arrow!" Jason showed up dressed as Oliver Queen.

What's a pirate's favorite tobacco product?

Voldemort and Voldelesst over here just have a bunch of brooms and one shared dream of sitting on an animal while poking a hole in something pretty far away.

It goes by many names: the lunch launcher, spud spitter, potentato, savory shooter, starch slinger, mash mover, harvest howler, fry flinger, hash slinging slasher, chip chunker, and sometimes it's just simply called Charlotte.

It's important to be properly prepared for your one-way trip to Bug Mars. That's where the "bug out bag" comes into play! Be sure to pack plenty of durians and a study guide for your Bug Mars citizenship test.

Male. Early 40s. It's a grizzly scene, one we don't see often: spontaneous combustion. The block is taped off because it's procedure, but it's not really necessary here. He's encased, perfectly preserved behind a screen. It's as if he's on display, for all to see. There's a battery nearby. Nobody can figure out if the fire first caught the top of his head or his beard. He is only succeeded by one, his wife, Mrs. Willy.

I am so sorry, we asked Anthony to bring a multi-media presentation and he must have misread our invite as "a multi-mead presentation." We were very excited to share with you our very formal "prison life hacks" PowerPoint, but I guess it'll have to wait for now.

Write phish, lament phish, read phish, sent phish. Rogue phish, gent phish, only with consent phish.

Brian sat down to watch that Pennsylvanian documentary where that boss and some of his employees learned parkour. He thought that was really cool and all of the employees thought the boss was pretty cool because of it, so here we are learning parkour.

Mr. Harvard Wallbanger Esq. III and Dr. Cosmappel Politan sailed the seven seas and landed in Austin, TX for just one noble reason: to get cosmically smashed and teach us their sloppy, slurry ways.

The incredible but true story of the one man who took things too far by volunteering for a highly experimental and controversial operation. SomeBODY once told him it couldn't be done, most everybody wanted to have none, but in the end, it all came down to one. This summer, Jason Murphy is... THE LAST SHREK.

It's just Baby's Day Out but Brian and Jason instead of the baby and parkour instead of Chicago.

Bill tried to tell Jason that x-ray vision didn't really work the way that comic books had led him to believe, but he just couldn't live with the disappointment in Jason's face. So he set out to recreate every living person in ballistic gel, starting with Jason himself.

Brian and Jason have been driving around Austin declaring themselves the Potato Pirates and they have the cannon to prove it. It's really gotten out of hand, they commandeer cars in the neighborhood yelling, "AVAST" while they throw potatoes out of the windows. They don't even have a good potato pun or anything, they literally just keep yelling the word "avast" over and over again.

Hello, youthful gaming elite. This is an instructional digital computing guide that will aid you in your conquest to overthrow the "status" quo. Only on the world wide web can you get this "level" of past knowledge colliding with present computing. Now this is a rich multi-media experience that's all that and a bag of chips!

Water. Earth. Fire. Air. Long ago the four nations lived together in harmony, then everything changed when Brian and Jason got to use quarterstaffs.

Forged in the dusk of the Cold War, the pants were imbued with a mystic mistrust. It is said these pants transform their bearer into a supernaturally deceptive creature, something beyond the sum of their parts. It is within these polyester confines that a man finds himself cruel and twisted, a puppet of the pantaloon. Evil Grandpants Murphy Esq. is but a victim of this sinister stitching and seam.

Basically, we’ve outgrown everything and are trying to buy seven acres out in west Austin and build the Scam Stuff/Modern Rogue World Headquarters. This would be the biggest step we’ve ever taken, and MAN we’ve got some wild ideas for it that you’re going to love. BUUUUUT, first we’ve got to come up with cash for the closing costs, and taxes just completely wiped us out last month. So we’re doing a sale this weekend. The biggest one of the year. We’re bringing back all the prices from Black Friday 2017, which I’m sure you know are the deepest discounts we ever, ever do. We’re thinking this is a win/win: we liquidate some stock, you guys make a killing on bargains, and we all get to enjoy the beginning of the next great chapter of this adventure. (Fingers crossed!) Hope to see you over at ScamStuff.com later today, and thanks for being there. You guys are really making some magic happen for us. Thanks, —Brian

It's Memorial Day weekend, so you already know what it is! That's right, a good old fashioned cookout. Grab the kids, grab the psyonic wildebeest carcass, invite over all the relatives! No need to lye, it's just some basic ingredients, and everybody's dying to get a taste.

Never look a grift horse in the mouth.

You find yourself in a barren room, a lone can of hair spray at your feet. You do not remember how you got there. After a brief pause, a klaxon blares throughout the room and an aggressor emerges from a shadow-engulfed corner of the room. Do you use the hair spray to defend yourself?

You find yourself in a red room, there is a life-sized velvet painting of a clown on the wall across from you. You find a box of matches in your one pocket. You do not remember how you got in this room. After a brief pause, Mambo No. 5 blares throughout the room and the clown from the painting drops in front of you from the ceiling like something out of Mission Impossible. It is clear he means you harm. Do you use the matches to defend yourself?

You find yourself in a small room, you are surrounded by incredibly life-like mannequins. You can hear one of them breathing, but you can't tell which one is real. All you have on you is a bobby pin in your hair. The breathing pauses for a beat, then the climax of O Fortuna blares as the walls to the room fall down and reveal an enormous live orchestra, they are all mannequins. Footsteps rapidly approach your location, do you even bother with the hair pin?

You awake to find yourself in a dark room! Your eyes begin to adjust to the glow of a red exit sign at the far end. Standing between you and the door, you can just barely identify the silhouette of what appears to be two men, one on the shoulders of the other. On your last of three wishes, you panic and wish for a light; your trickster genie hands you a single light bulb very sarcastically. She vanishes back into the dark vacuum of her lamp, which itself vanishes into the darkness of the room. Suddenly the Nokia tune plays over a low fidelity PA system, signifying the start of the tenth tournament in Mortal Kombat. Do you use this light bulb to aid you in saving the Earthrealm from Shao Kahn's reign?

I'm afraid Brian and Jason got Rick Smith Jr. to be on the show under false pretenses. What they didn't tell him is that they have a business plan to Honey I Shrunk the Kids paying customers, gently balance them on a playing card with a custom built harness (gaffer's tape,) and hurl them towards the nearest micro-city. It's a bold step for environmental conservation efforts, but these jokers know that to deal the right hand... you have to become kings of the card.

Number 7 would have been Brian and Jason's pruno.

Forward for this episode written by Stan Lee, probably: "Greetings true believers, it is me, the one and only probably real Stan Lee! I got a new superhero, ya dig? His name is Card Throwy-Man. His superpower is a supernatural ability to do highly improbably (but not impossible!) card flourishes, and his weakness is paper cuts. If he gets a paper cut, he will die. It's a scathing indictment of the razor's edge we perpetuate as creators, a card in hand is a deck best left dealt."

Stone Age. Bronze Age. Iron Age. PVC Age.

Brian Brushwood. Magician, exposed to inappropriate levels of brain electricity. "Electric sponges make him the world's smartest man!" I KNOW EVERYTHING!!!

I asked Jason what his blood type was, so I could fill out his Bizarre Magic personnel file, and he said that he "preferred the red kind, but [he's] not picky." And I think Macaulay Culkin is still on the premises? Because I definitely heard a hushed Burnsian whisper, "Excellent."

Time to put a little pepper in your stepper, a little heat in your feet, a little capsaicin dealt by Jason, a bit of burning to cry on for Brian, it'll go straight through to your pant if you're Grant, played'em all like a pawn as did John, but hey, go ahead and get that spice if it's your vice.

What did Henry Cavendish really know? What was he hiding all those years ago? Hydrogen is obviously named from the latin root "Hydra," coincidence? Oh, atomic number one? That's pretty convenient if you ask me. Look, I'm just asking the tough questions here.

5 people who took such advantage of *the system* that they could have their own tv show. It could be called Manipulating the System, and the five of them will all look like experts, and they'll... I don't know, teach you how to pack your travel bags or something.

[extremely trailer voice] "Two men at the top of their game. With everything to lose, they put it all on the line when they get in the ring. Guided by actual professionals who know what they're doing, Brian Brushwood and Jason Murphy are... Some Old Guys Who Do Cool Guy Stuff." [SOGWDCGS text treatment slams onto screen] "We don't offer discounts on seating, even though you're only going to sit on the edge."

Brian and Jason traverse the 7-acre expanse (the 7-acre shwood?) of the new HQ, now in HD! * youtube just decided to only do 360p last time, so here we are again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Brian and Jason perform the Rite of Kindling on an unlikely bonfire.

The guys never got over the idea of shooting razor blades out of a nerf gun, but we just wouldn't let them. So they re-worked it in a way that doesn't just let razors fly loose, it's "safer because shoe laces are harmless."

Lot of potty humor in this one.

No mention of the homonculous charm though, always an essential in managing such mischief.

If you know Brian even a little, you'll know this was all completely a ruse to let Brian drive around in the Pork Chop Express for an episode.

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As the old saying goes, "You can lead a steed through reed, but if you feed the breed mead, you'll have to concede that you did indeed impede your speedy steed."

It was a quiet, foggy morning when the Burg Burgler burgled the best burgs. The lead detective on the case went mad, sherriff was run out of town, and the people of BurgBerg never found peace. That is... until today.

Brian and Jason wildly hoisting swords over their heads is my favorite forgotten Kengo training exercise.

Tracy Flick might be the only president who hasn't bought votes.

Finally bringing the incandescent light bulb back to its original purpose, to be the ultimate cooking instrument.

The howls of hollowed wretches hang heavy on the crisp October breeze, while the sickly sweet trick or treat looms nearby.

You've got red on you.

Psychic surgery is a highly specialized form of surgery that only works on other psychics. This is possible because, and many people aren't aware of this, psychics can meld skin kind of like Odo and the changelings on Deep Space 9. They can do this because they're advanced brains run too hot so their skin melts. So they like goop their hands into your psychic stomach to goopify all of those intestine gremlins, but then the psychic has to absorb your goop into their goop, bonding with the gremlin's power level. This, as we all know, is how psychics get so powerful, but also why they're so afraid of being touched anywhere on their torso.

Brian heard about immersion therapy but skipped all of the parts about relaxing yourself and building up to the fear. Instead, he invited Kelly over to surrounded himself with "killer drones," and that he would "re-define what a 'drone strike' meant."

"Numatic" is the name of the elusive mixtape where Jason raps over Illmatic beats, but his bars are just 100% about that numa numa guy.

Brian and Jason showed up 30 minutes early in sweatpants because when they heard we were doing an episode on "absinthe," they thought it was a fitness program scored by John Carpenter. Unfortunately, it was not.

Don't let Brian kid you, he's been trying to bring Flashlight Turbo Snail Phase Cathartic Revelation Bracelets to the shop for years.

Click thumbs up when you catch the Flight of the Conchords reference in this episode.

If I tell Brian and Jason that SDS actually stands for "Silly Dungeon Spells," do you think they would start reading them?

This one is dedicated to whoever, upon hearing that Brian is a magician, thinks that means doing balloon animal tricks.

Jason thought that Bash Bunny was a Smash character so he showed up early with his GameCube, excited to learn how to "wavebash."

Our days since last injury counter has been reset about 13 times now, so it's about time we learned how to actually treat an injury. This isn't a substitute for actual medical training, it's more designed for public awareness.