It’s true we are making a lot of changes here at Meta. Recently we’ve gotten weak and womanly, and our fact checking has done more harm than good. No cap. So we’ve implemented some changes here at Meta that are meant to champion free speech and really, stay true to who we were when we created this thing as freshmen at Harvard.

Hey Doofus, I bet you thought erectile dysfunction was just for grandpas. Well guess what, these aren’t your dads d*** pills. These are Doods. Doods are a cool, new way to last longer and stronger. And we’re going to remind you of that through memes, sponsored content, and straight up ads, like this one.

If you want all of the confidence a physical therapist with none of the regulations, we got you covered. Hello my broke idiots and people who make questionable life decisions. Do you ever wish your doctor had less qualifications and only wanted to rub you? Then you need to stop by Horton’s Chiropractic Adjustment Clinic, the #1 rated Chiropractic office in town! Where every visit you get to put your long-term physical health on the line while us “crack addicts” go to town on your spine!

Which blubbering little jingle merchant is complaining about the big bad music industry now? Wherever there's an exciting new sound, or a bag of cat bones and tar at a crossroads, I'm there. That’s my job as a music executive - and I'm pretty much the worst person you’ll ever meet, besides Scooter Braun. Yep, Scooter was my apprentice. I taught him how to make money off of artists' hard work, image and likeness - the only difference between me and him is that I’m way more handsome.

With just a cold hundo and a vial of your bodily fluids, we can tell you, all about YOU! Have you ever had a haunting, unshakeable feeling that you're a special little specimen? I've got good news for you! Through science, we've found a way for anyone with truly disposable income to find out just what makes up the glistening arms of the special little snowflake they are.

Simple form 1040 returns only, blah blah blah…no schedule except for earned income tax credit, child tax credit and student loan interest. Guaranteed awesome! No clue what that means but it is free…right?

What up guys! I’m Mr. Breast and I just bought this entire white void! And I’m prepared to give 20,000 diabetics a year’s worth of insulin....so long as they can outlast each other in this white void!! Alright suckers are you ready for the challenge?

Whether you’re an important Tesla shareholder or just an American citizen, I want to apologize for my recent involvement in f*ing up the country, and for tanking your retirement savings. HAHA, just kidding. You’re an idiot.

In 2023 we rebranded to Max after our marketing accidentally deleted half of our logo during a manic episode. It was an incident that our friends, family, subscribers, and shareholders called “stupid” and “bad”. And to that we say: haven’t you ever tried bangs? Well think of Max as our bangs. Bangs that we had for a year and half out of pure stubbornness but now we’re hitting control Z on that keyboard and adding the HBO back in! It’s a move that some are calling exhausting but we’re calling “a Demi Lovato”.

How do you think we researched for this video? Google! We here at Hortgle are committed to bringing you the absolute best search results that are tailored to you! That’s why we’ve been data scraping every little thing you’ve ever used – from your searches, to your phone calls, to your emails, to your photo galleries, to your HortTube history...we even used your Google docs to train our little robo-puppets…all to make: Aquarius AI. AI is the future, dummy. And don’t try to fight it, or you’ll just get left behind.

Is the pharmaceutical industry taking advantage of my lack of self esteem due to the fact that I can barely crack 29 likes on Instagram? Or do I have type 2 diabetes? The answer is yes. You need GotHot, a corporatized GLP-1 that’s for everyone!

I'm Roger Horton, chief financial advisor here at Hortbank, and it's never too early to start thinking about retirement. In fact, it's almost definitely too late. Want to live out your golden years drinking Arnold Palmers, watching Wheel of Fortune, and having weird elderly sex with your spouse while your LifeAlert necklaces clack together like castanets? Before we get started, are you one of the 78% of people in America that live paycheck to paycheck? Good. Those people are f***ed. And after we tell them to beat it, they usually call us a**holes, or scum, or godless leeches. One guy took a s*** in a deposit envelope and sent it through our ATM. Had to knock down the whole wall to get it out.

When did tipping culture get so out of control? Are you always wondering how much to tip? Why is this iPad asking for money? Here's the truth about tipping

Guest starring Sam Mogul on behalf of all Horton Holdings we ask, "What if Real Estate Companies like Zillow and Street Easy were actually honest about how horrifically terrible they are?" Team Horton investigates.

It's back to school season, which means your annual reminder that teachers don't get paid enough and are buying their own classroom supplies! What other honest truths are there about school teachers? Roger Horton investigates.

HortTok is the honest version of the short form video app you're addicted to watching everyday. We're literally poisoning you're mind. But don't blame us for the brainrot, you have freewill...I think,