What do you call that thing when you walk around with a shirt but no pants or underwear on? Is it "Donald Duck'n It" or " Porky Pig'n It"? Well, either way, the security guard at that Forever 21 was a f***ing prude.

I remember High School Football well. Too short to make the team. Too fat to be mascot. Just the right size to cram myself under the bleachers and eat lunch all alone.

I'm not really a religious guy but I will join a god damn holy war on the side of whatever church believes in that GIF of the turtle carrying the flat earth on his back while eating gummie worms.

"Alright, gentlemen. They just greenlit Mortal Kombat 2 and we need to find the perfect actor to play the clearly Asian sounding villain Shao Khan." "How about that white guy from 'Cobra' who kinda looks like Schwarzenegger?" "Perfect! The rest of you, gas up the Dodge Caravan! We're going to Party City!"

My favorite crazy Game of Thrones fan theory has got to be the one that says the first two episodes of this season weren't boring as hell.

Technically all dildos are "analog". Vibrators are the marital aids that require some sort of motorized action for use. Or at least that's what my wife tells me every time she sighs in disappointment and sends me out for more batteries.

Hayden Planetarium - Summer 1999 "Um, excuse me. Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" "Yes?" "What is it like when worlds collide?" *(Spider One bust through wall like the Kool-Aid Man, lowers goggles, flings Neil into the sun) "I got this."

F9ST 9ND FURIOUS: SP9CE R9CE PAST AND FUR10US: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME T11E FAST AND T11E FURIOUS: INTO T11E SPYDER-VERSE FUR12OUS TWELVE: STRAIGHT UP YOUR BUTT

I would let the entire Funhaus team take turns on me in a storm drain if it meant I never had to watch Jon Smith sweat this much again.

I have an X-men comic where the team has to go to New Orleans 'cuz Gambit's estranged wife who also has powers needs him for some garbage, then Ghost Rider is there too for another reason, then Ghost Rider gets infected by The Brood and they turn his head into a big long flaming alien skull but then Psylocke and Gambit's wife go inside his head and kill the egg but then Gambit's wife dies and Gambit's real sad. My point? I don't have one. I just thought you'd like to know what we were forced to masturbate to before the internet.

Jacob Fullerton's favorite euphemisms for lovemaking: Feeding the Sarlacc Making Some Younglings The Trench Run Spilling Blue Milk The Beggar's Canyon Bullseye

Bah! You call this a proper Broadway musical?! If I wanted to see a bunch of poorly groomed layabouts slinking around in filth and giving each other AIDS, I'd just watch RENT.