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Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business (1x370)

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Clearly, the saga of Universal Soldier was so epic that it could only be told over the course of three movies, or perhaps three Snapple caps. But now Universal Soldier III: Unfinished Business is here to chew bubblegum and finish business, and the budget’s too low to afford bubblegum. The Universal Soldier program has branched out and is now growing baby soldiers in jars under the direction of Burt Reynolds. We suspect that this baffling new corporate paradigm may be because nobody understood what Burt Reynolds was saying, given that he delivers most of his lines in an Irish accent that’s even less convincing than his toupee. Returning to light up the screen (with the light from your phone screen when you check to see if they were cast in any movies after this) are the reporter and cyborg guy from the last one. From the way they look at each other, they’re falling in love, or maybe just ate some bad oysters.