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HISTORY BONER (2016x12)

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Recently, scholars have found a trove of ancient Roman texts. Amongst the documents is one item of particular note: a chronicling of STDs known to the ancients. Below is a brief translated selection. When engaging in relations of a sexual nature with a consort of any type, citizens must know of diseases venereal which may result of that congress. Insomuch as it is my duty as a scholar, I, Glavius Scipianus Portus, have taken it upon myself to seduce as many women as I possibly can or, barring that, engage the service of prostitutes, to research all illnesses of the genitals. Herein lies the results of those studies. The African Pox: a gentle swelling of the testes Pompeii's Eruption: yellow to red penile discharge Fish Skin: a flaky, dry rash, appearing in the size of a sesterce The German Pox: female only; cracked nipples and bleeding of the breasts Emperor's Bane: weeping sores Jupiter's Flank: an affliction of the foreskin The Gallic Pox: contracted from whores of Gaul; white pustules about the groin