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Fugitive Rage (1x360)

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It’s an ancient Zen riddle: If a Fred Olen Ray movie does not have the word “bikini” in its title, does it even make a sound? The answer is yes; the sound is “BANG BANG oof [assorted alluring catfight noises] Ka-Pow [shower water running] BANG [general premium cable channel sexiness] Kablooie!” Fugitive Rage starts as any good family movie does: with the hero gunning someone down in cold blood. In this case it's a mafioso named The Gucci Goomba, who killed the hero’s sister, presumably by just standing there as she ran into him at the start of World 1-1. Unfortunately, the Goomba survives, leaving our hero with no choice but to bravely break out of prison (by accepting a deal with the government that lets her go free). So there are no fugitives OR bikinis in Fugitive Rage, but it is spiritually full of both of them. Not to mention double crosses, barroom brawls, and, we can’t emphasize this enough, a villain named The Gucci Goomba. Put on your best “Ross Hagen needs a paycheck” face