RiffTrax

Safe Living at School (3x108)

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Safe Living at School pulls no punches with its straightforward title: This is a short which attempts to tell you how to make it through the school day unscathed. Your elementary school is a virtual house of horrors, where an act as innocuous as opening a locker can result in a vicious badger mauling! A playful swing on the monkey bars can be interrupted by an atom bomb explosion! Eating the cafeteria pizza can slightly burn the roof of your mouth, not enough to cause you to stop eating it but enough to make you take a slightly longer pause in between your first and second bites! But the short, and dare we say humanity, fails to address the one safety issue that haunted us throughout our primary school years: Mrs. Pinkett, the bus driver who would sit on children when they misbehaved. Why this was tolerated by the school board, we have no idea, but it definitely happened, because an older kid who rode her bus one year totally knew a guy who saw her do it once. You'd sit facing straight ahead, not misbehaving except for the 98% of time you were on the bus that the wheels were moving, terrified that the slightest infraction, such as dropping a watermelon out the back window into the path of an ambulance, might trigger the wrath of Mrs. Pinkett, and then: SQUASH!!! Perhaps you find this example unrelatable. Trust me, if you were there, you would never forget it. Regardless, if it were covered in Safe Living at School, the short would not doubt put forth that it could be handled in one way: by freeze-framing the action and playing a hilarious timpani drum sound every time an accident occurred. This takes place approximately 730 times during this brief short. The timpani drum is to this short what jokes about how white people dance are to an 80s Def Comedy Jam standup routine: consisting of the majority of the act and each one more hilarious than the last. Mike, Kevin and Bill have safely lived at a school for over two years now, living in the janitor'