RiffTrax

Quiptracks: Perfect Weapon (4x877)

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In The Perfect Weapon, Steven Seagal is The Director – not to be confused with the director of The Perfect Weapon, Titus Parr, who thought we would not be confused when a character under The Director’s control called The Controller directs the perfect weapon to kill The Director. (Watch out: There’s a spoiler in that sentence, so don’t work too hard trying to parse it). This aforementioned perfect weapon is a stoic, bald, tie-wearing, dual-silenced-pistol-wielding hitman – just like Agent 47 from the Hitman video game franchise, but even easier to control (he really puts the "pawn" in "weapon"). Oh, and don’t go looking for a barcode on Axon “Condor” Ray’s neck; Unlike Agent 47, this agent can’t be price checked... Nor is he particularly good at hitting men. Indeed, everyone seems readily capable of making Condor look like an imbecile, from his dead girlfriend (Sasha Jackson), to a villainous gourd from Veggie Tales that grew a big, flabby body (Steven Seagal). Even within the movie, exactly which “perfect weapon” criteria could be abstractly attributed to him is a matter of some debate... but everyone agrees that, after multiple scrubbings of his already sparsely populated mind, he is The Perfect Putz.