RiffTrax

Drag Me to Hell (1x96)

: 01, 2009

Tired of horror clichés like empty parking garages, gypsy curses, and séances gone wrong? Drag Me To Hell sure isn’t! Wide-eyed ingénue Alison Lohman (featured in…some other films, presumably) navigates the heady politics of a small bank branch while voluntarily maintaining a relationship with Justin Long (Mac Guy , “funny person”). Yes, with a life like that, a refreshing trip to Hell is just what the doctor ordered! Fortunately, condemnation is easy as pie—an oozing, eyeball-filled pie that director Sam Raimi will throw in your face! Because stuff like that is hilarious. Or maybe scary? Or probably neither. But back to the Hell-dragging: it turns out gypsies are not the most reasonable people, and will sentence you to eternal suffering for any minor infraction. Refuse to extend my credit? Drag you to Hell! Cut me off on the freeway? Hope you like dry heat! Politely suggest that Evening Shade** wasn’t the greatest television show ever produced? Let me introduce you to your new roommate, Adolf “always leaves the seat up” Hitler! Join Mike and Bill on this sentimental excursion down Hell Lane (Kevin dodged the bullet on this one thanks to an unassailable “no Justin Long” clause in his contract—well played, sir). Just watch out for falling anvils and, really, just copious amounts of eyeball splatter. ** All of our research suggests that Evening Shade is universally beloved in gypsy circles. This will never be confirmed nor denied, as gypsies don’t use the internet.