Joe Bob Briggs here, and what could be more appropriate on Martin Luther King's birthday than a Mel Brooks movie. The man who put the black sheriff in Blazing Saddles. Yes, we're continuing our "We love Mel Brooks, no matter how many toilet jokes he does" Festival, with this month's Mel Brooks flick, Spaceballs. And I admit it. I'm one of those guys who DOES laugh at doodie jokes.

I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight on "MonsterVision" we've got one of the finest futuristic post-holocaust kung-fu road movies with sledgehammer-carrying midgets ever filmed in the Philippines. Of course, who else could I be talking about than the legendary Cirio Santiago, director of some 500 Filipino movies, and the total combined budget of those films has STILL not topped the hundred-dollar mark. One of the wonders of modern civilization.

Joe Bob Briggs brings you only the best, and tonight we have the film that spawned four sequels, two TV shows, a comic book, and an X-rated sadomasochistic CD-ROM starring Ron Jeremy and Marilyn Chambers. I'm speaking, of course, of "Planet of the Apes," which -- what? Ooooh, that was "Janet of the Apes," not to be confused with "Playmate Of The Apes."

Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight, Embrace of the Vampire, the 1994 masterpiece in which the virginal but very hot Alyssa Milano plays a co-ed who the local vampire recognizes as the reincarnation of his old girlfriend. And you know what that means. Because what are the seven most dreaded words in the history of civilization? Of course, you know what I'm talking about. "I need to talk about the relationship."

Joe Bob Briggs here, and tonight, the movie that answers the question "What's eating the American farmer?" Man-eating porcupine tumbleweeds with enormous teeth are about to escape from their outer-space prison and head to Grovers Bend, Kansas, to munch on the population. I'm talking about, of course, Critters, with the best inter-galactic monsters since Zsa Zsa Gabor starred in "Queen of Outer Space" -- and they wear a lot less make-up.

Remember a while ago when we showed Grim? A buncha yuppies go underground and get chased by a pizza-faced monster? Well, from the people who brought you Grim -- yes, they lived to make another movie -- Breeders. A buncha people go underground -- this time under a girl's college -- and get chased by ANOTHER monster.

Kim is in the middle of her experiments with synthetic tin-foil skin when Barry Bostwick gives her a cadaver to experiment on -- a cadaver with werewolf blood in it, brought in specially from Hungary by the CIA for the use of creating superior combat agents.

Tonight's movie, "The Dead Zone," is one of the best Stephen King movies ever made, where Christopher Walken wakes up from a Rip Van Winkle coma and starts having visions that he's not too happy about.

"A high school cheerleader discovers she is descended from a courageous vampire hunter of the Dark Ages, which probably explains her expertise at battling bloodsuckers." Like, duh. Kristy Swanson plays the somersaulting Valley Girl who takes on the evil Uno (Rutger Hauer) and his nocturnal followers in this week's MonsterVision feature, Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

What's worse than a swarm of mosquitos on a hot summer night? A swarm of bloodthirsty, giant, killer mosquitos, that's what! Blame it on that illegal toxic waste dump near the old mine.

Tonight, from the guy who brought you The Crying Game, "The Company of Wolves" -- one of the artsy-fartsiest werewolf movies in the history of cinema. It's kind of "Little Red Riding Hood" as told by Dennis Hopper in the sixties.

We've always suspected that college fraternities were devil-worshipping cults but this film proves it. Corey Feldman wants to be frat boy in the worst way but first he has to go through the initiation process and it involves a live human sacrifice, namely his girlfriend.

Psycho Daddy Night: I remember when this movie came out, 1987, there was a poster that had very little on it except the words "The Stepfather," and somehow that was scary -- you know why? Because daddies, in the eighties were TERRIFYING. So stepdaddies were all the MORE terrifying. Bad decade for fathers.

Nerdy guy comes back from the dead so he can keep his prom date. I love the premise of this movie. Kill the hero. Bring him back as a zombie. Make him visible to everybody. And the whole cast kinda GETS USED TO IT.

Last month, when Mr. Briggs' authoritative voice boomed out across the office, "Gimme a stunt man martial arts champ and a supermodel in a bikini and a mad scientist and a comic relief accountant," our programming people, poor souls that they are, scrounged and hunted and finally supplied MonsterVision with a delightful little flick called Body Armor that meets all the requirements.

So I'm Joe Bob Briggs and tonight's movie is "Leviathan," the underwater version of "Alien" that doesn't make a lick of sense. Ask me if I'm happy.

If you think about it, Beetlejuice could have been made just for MonsterVision. A pleasantly warped story told with an inspired sense of the bizarre and packed with enough jokes-a-minute that it's just as funny the twelfth time you see it as the first; what more could you want? Toss in a cast that's rarely been better -- Michael Keaton running amok, Winona Ryder's breakthrough role -- and we're sure you'll cancel any other Saturday night plans.

In a futuristic world that has embraced ape slavery, Caesar, the son of the late simians Cornelius and Zira, surfaces after almost twenty years of hiding out from the authorities, and prepares for a slave revolt against humanity.

Mad Max becomes a pawn in a decadent oasis of a technological society, and when exiled, becomes the deliverer of a colony of children.

The son (Kevin Sorbo) of Zeus (Anthony Quinn) kills the serpent Hydra, then meets a queen (Roma Downey) and her savage band of beauties.

A nerdish boy buys a strange car with an evil mind of its own and his nature starts to change to reflect it.

Yes, it's time for yet ANOTHER Alien rip-off here on "MonsterVision." How many of these have we had? Sixty-seven? I'm Joe Bob Briggs, and tonight, an outer space mining crew accidentally releases a man-eating beast in "Within the Rock." Giving new meaning to the word "Whoops!"

In the near future Nassim, terrorist leader, storms computer company headquarters. His aim is deadly computer virus that could bring him world domination. Nick, company janitor and ex-cop, will get in his way.

The only movie of 1995 that features both Ned Beatty and an Eyetalian stripper with a seat in Parliament.

Tonight's MonsterVision flick, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice, answers the age-old question, "What happens when a Goth Nebraska teenager with an attitude wills a bloody nose on a pesky priest?"